By Great White Snark | March 1, 2007
In July, Marvel Comics and IDW Publishing will be publishing a New Avengers / Transformers crossover mini-series to coincide with the release of the Big Transformers Movie.*
*All references to Michael Bay films must be made with capital letters; what Michael “I conceived the visions for Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and Bad Boys II while I was on the crapper” Bay’s films lack in plot development, characterization, and substance, they make up for with Bigness of explosions, vapidity, and more explosions.
To save you the suspense, here’s how an encounter between the Avengers and the Decepticons would actually go down:
Megatron laughs maniacally at the primitive Earth-based technology in Iron Man’s armor as the Decepticon leader swats Tony out of the sky like a shiny cybernetic mosquito.
Behold the Invincible Iron Man! I have rockets in my boots! Vroom!
That’s nice, Tin Man. I have a really big gun.
…meet gigantic robot foot.
Giant Man increases his size ten-fold, only to grow to the size of an average Transformer. Giant Man realizes he’s now just some giant dude in a fist-fight with a giant-warrior-robot. Shockwave punches Giant Man’s giant head off.
Giant-Man: May you rest in many giant pieces.
Wolverine says something snarky and cool and calls Devastator “Bub.” The feral Avenger flies into a berserker rage and goes at Devastator with his metal claws as he’d go at a giant Sentinel robot. Sadly, Devastator is not clumsy and awkward like a Sentinel. Devastator fries Wolverine with his blaster until there’s nothing left but an adamantium skeleton and the smell of cooked raccoon.
Hey, Bub… you smell something burning?
Tingling spider-sense and the sight of Giant Man’s giant head rolling past him convince Spider-Man to take his leave of the battle. He enlists the help of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the X-Men, which the Avengers should have done in the first place. The X-Men kick some Decepticon ass, because, really, they’ve got a power for everything.