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Transformers vs. Avengers

In July, Marvel Comics and IDW Publishing will be publishing a New Avengers / Transformers crossover mini-series to coincide with the release of the Big Transformers Movie.*

*All references to Michael Bay films must be made with capital letters; what Michael “I conceived the visions for Armageddon, Pearl Harbor, and Bad Boys II while I was on the crapper” Bay’s films lack in plot development, characterization, and substance, they make up for with Bigness of explosions, vapidity, and more explosions.

To save you the suspense, here’s how an encounter between the Avengers and the Decepticons would actually go down:

Megatron laughs maniacally at the primitive Earth-based technology in Iron Man’s armor as the Decepticon leader swats Tony out of the sky like a shiny cybernetic mosquito.



Behold the Invincible Iron Man! I have rockets in my boots! Vroom!



That’s nice, Tin Man. I have a really big gun.

Captain America yells something valiant and cheesy, like, “Avengers Assemble!” before deflecting one of Starscream’s blasts with his adamantium shield. Starscream squashes Captain America into a pool of patriotic paste beneath his gigantic robotic foot.



Little shield…


…meet gigantic robot foot.

Giant Man increases his size ten-fold, only to grow to the size of an average Transformer. Giant Man realizes he’s now just some giant dude in a fist-fight with a giant-warrior-robot. Shockwave punches Giant Man’s giant head off.



Giant-Man: May you rest in many giant pieces.

Wolverine says something snarky and cool and calls Devastator “Bub.” The feral Avenger flies into a berserker rage and goes at Devastator with his metal claws as he’d go at a giant Sentinel robot. Sadly, Devastator is not clumsy and awkward like a Sentinel. Devastator fries Wolverine with his blaster until there’s nothing left but an adamantium skeleton and the smell of cooked raccoon.


Hey, Bub… you smell something burning?

Tingling spider-sense and the sight of Giant Man’s giant head rolling past him convince Spider-Man to take his leave of the battle. He enlists the help of S.H.I.E.L.D. and the X-Men, which the Avengers should have done in the first place. The X-Men kick some Decepticon ass, because, really, they’ve got a power for everything.

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10 comments… add one
  • nickolai March 1, 2007, 11:50 pm

    wtf is this Mr. M guy? I didn’t realize Marvel Comics incorporated the almighty God into their character roster.

    btw, I would pay a lot to see a simulation of wolverine vs. devastator. I think wolvy would let loose a few ferocious growls, and maybe even carve off a limb or two before he’s smoked.

  • Great White Snark March 2, 2007, 12:30 am

    Excellent point, as always, N. Wolvie would definitely make a go of it, although I’d chalk up only one limb-carving to him, at best.

  • nickolai March 2, 2007, 7:02 am

    btw, Wolverine really wears those jeans, huh?

  • Great White Snark March 2, 2007, 9:25 am

    Methinks someone spent a bit too much time drawing those dungarees.

  • nickolai March 2, 2007, 11:00 am

    and i think logan just ate some extra-spicy mexican food or something. that’s some impressive ass-clenchage.

    the cowboy hat is just too cute though.

  • Great White Snark March 2, 2007, 12:23 pm

    Doesn’t he look like the kind of guy who’s got constant gas? No wonder Jean Grey chose Scott over him.

  • nickolai March 2, 2007, 8:53 pm

    totally. you know that canadian bastard (he is canadian, yes?) eats nothing but canned beans and moose stew.

    I bet those berserker rages of his were accompanied by at least a few unavoidable ass-burps.

  • Great White Snark March 3, 2007, 2:01 am

    Definitely… beans and moose… and microwaved rabbit. Ahem.

  • Noel March 4, 2007, 11:44 pm

    I love Tampa!

  • Great White Snark March 4, 2007, 11:54 pm

    This is not the time, nor the place, for that kind of language, Noel.

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