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Animals as Nature and DARPA Intended Them
By Great White Snark | March 2, 2007
Last night, I went out with an otherwise lovely girl who thinks that 1)
“Well, that’s just silly,” you say to yourself, as you try to imagine a whale boffing a hapless seal.
(Hold on, there, sick-o. It’s not that kind of blog.)
What you call “silly” is what DARPA (the R&D arm of the U.S. Dept. of Defense) might consider a job qualification. They’re always looking for people with creative minds who can effectively apply the DARPA Equation:
Devilishly clever, isn’t it? By sticking electrodes up the asses of all sorts of creatures, our defense services are better-equipped to fight, gather intelligence, and fulfill sadistic fantasies first-hatched in 8th grade biology classes. Or so the story goes.
Thanks to the efforts of groups like DARPA, for a long while our country has been at the forefront of technologies such as remote-controlled sharks, electro-telepathic rats, cybernetic monkeys (glee!), and battle-cattle.
Can the computer sense what I’m thinking? Here’s a hint: This really frigging hurts.
First things first. Let’s teach the cyborg monkey the universal gesture for “#%$! You!”
But the dementedly resourceful folks at DARPA shouldn’t be complacent, because there’s a new player on the “let’s make another cyborg monkey so we can watch them fight” stage.
This can’t be sanitary.
Well, I assume it’s an attack pigeon. The only alternative I can imagine is that these Chinese scientists are also able to control when the pigeon craps and have thereby invented the world’s best practical joke device. But I think not.
3) Buzzard bombs. Similar to a smart bomb, but less expensive. Hordes of chip-implanted vultures and other heavy, large-beaked birds would plummet into any target–say, enemy troops–”painted” by a friendly targeting laser. Afterwards, no one concerns themselves with the harm that came to the vultures because, seriously, who cares about vultures?
4) Dogs with X-Ray-vision-enhanced eyes. Now when your bomb-detecting dog starts flipping out, you know he’s found something.
What say you? Any ideas?
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Topics: Crafts and Hacks, Technology | 9 Comments »
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:20 pm
I’d be happy with a dog that can go get you a burrito. Also, it shoots lasers and flies and can also turn into a truck or a robot.
And it’s a ninja too.
March 2nd, 2007 at 12:23 pm
And can speak English, Chinese, and Canadian.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:26 pm
I’m still reeling from the fact that you went out with a girl who things “1) Scandinavia is a continent, and 2) elephant seals are a cross-breed of seals and whales.” Usually I avoid matchmaking, but I can see my superhero skills are needed here. Because I’m afraid for you. Very afraid.
March 2nd, 2007 at 1:45 pm
You and me both. It’s scary out there.
March 2nd, 2007 at 9:08 pm
I think my animal kingdom wishlist was fulfilled when I learned that ligers (and their somewhat less cool opposite numbers, the tigons) are real animals. And they’re frickin ginormous!
But since you’re pushing me, here are a few animals I hope ARPA gets cracking on stat:
1) Flying squirrels with Cyclops-like eye lasers. Think about how much terror they can wreak from the skies!
2) Sharks that can hover still in the water – how much scarier would it be when you’re diving, and you look over your shoulder at a tiger shark hovering right on your six. Shivers!
3) Rabbits in a microwave – cuz I’m hungry.
March 3rd, 2007 at 1:58 am
Oh, I’m pushing you, alright.
How about Sharks with hovercraft aperati attached to them so that they can hover above the water. You could send land-based shark missiles at people.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:13 am
[...] A vodka tonic (ok, a couple of them) at dinner with friends tonight greased the squeaky wheels of my memory, and I recalled another gem from last week’s date. [...]
March 16th, 2007 at 1:23 am
[...] a friend about the mind-boggling whale-seal combo to which I had been introduced, courtesy of my date a few weeks ago. (By the way… that story? I’ve discovered that it Never. Gets. [...]
October 15th, 2009 at 12:15 am
Number 2 isn’t such a bad Idea