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Animals as Nature and DARPA Intended Them

Last night, I went out with an otherwise lovely girl who thinks that 1) Scandinavia is a continent, and 2) elephant seals are a cross-breed of seals and whales. A “combo,” she called them.

“Well, that’s just silly,” you say to yourself, as you try to imagine a whale boffing a hapless seal.

(Hold on, there, sick-o. It’s not that kind of blog.)

What you call “silly” is what DARPA (the R&D arm of the U.S. Dept. of Defense) might consider a job qualification. They’re always looking for people with creative minds who can effectively apply the DARPA Equation:


Devilishly clever, isn’t it? By sticking electrodes up the asses of all sorts of creatures, our defense services are better-equipped to fight, gather intelligence, and fulfill sadistic fantasies first-hatched in 8th grade biology classes. Or so the story goes.

Thanks to the efforts of groups like DARPA, for a long while our country has been at the forefront of technologies such as remote-controlled sharks, electro-telepathic rats, cybernetic monkeys (glee!), and battle-cattle.



Can the computer sense what I’m thinking? Here’s a hint: This really frigging hurts.



First things first. Let’s teach the cyborg monkey the universal gesture for “#%$! You!”

But the dementedly resourceful folks at DARPA shouldn’t be complacent, because there’s a new player on the “let’s make another cyborg monkey so we can watch them fight” stage. China has announced the development of a radio-controlled attack pigeon.


This can’t be sanitary.

Well, I assume it’s an attack pigeon. The only alternative I can imagine is that these Chinese scientists are also able to control when the pigeon craps and have thereby invented the world’s best practical joke device. But I think not.

To help our boys and girls at DARPA to stay ahead in the furry-robot-arms race, I hereby suggest the following applications of the DARPA equation:

1) Gorillas implanted with a chip that makes them go violently apeshit (no pun) whenever there’s a Commie or a member of Al Qaeda detected nearby. (I know, I know… this one is obvious.)

2) Gophers that send a radio signals with GPS coordinates when they discover land mines.

3) Buzzard bombs. Similar to a smart bomb, but less expensive. Hordes of chip-implanted vultures and other heavy, large-beaked birds would plummet into any target–say, enemy troops–“painted” by a friendly targeting laser. Afterwards, no one concerns themselves with the harm that came to the vultures because, seriously, who cares about vultures?

4) Dogs with X-Ray-vision-enhanced eyes. Now when your bomb-detecting dog starts flipping out, you know he’s found something.

What say you? Any ideas?


7 comments… add one
  • Shithead March 2, 2007, 12:20 pm

    I’d be happy with a dog that can go get you a burrito. Also, it shoots lasers and flies and can also turn into a truck or a robot.

    And it’s a ninja too.

  • Great White Snark March 2, 2007, 12:23 pm

    And can speak English, Chinese, and Canadian.

  • Cynthia Gentry March 2, 2007, 1:26 pm

    I’m still reeling from the fact that you went out with a girl who things “1) Scandinavia is a continent, and 2) elephant seals are a cross-breed of seals and whales.” Usually I avoid matchmaking, but I can see my superhero skills are needed here. Because I’m afraid for you. Very afraid.

  • Great White Snark March 2, 2007, 1:45 pm

    You and me both. It’s scary out there.

  • nickolai March 2, 2007, 9:08 pm

    I think my animal kingdom wishlist was fulfilled when I learned that ligers (and their somewhat less cool opposite numbers, the tigons) are real animals. And they’re frickin ginormous!

    But since you’re pushing me, here are a few animals I hope ARPA gets cracking on stat:

    1) Flying squirrels with Cyclops-like eye lasers. Think about how much terror they can wreak from the skies!

    2) Sharks that can hover still in the water – how much scarier would it be when you’re diving, and you look over your shoulder at a tiger shark hovering right on your six. Shivers!

    3) Rabbits in a microwave – cuz I’m hungry.

  • Great White Snark March 3, 2007, 1:58 am

    Oh, I’m pushing you, alright.

    How about Sharks with hovercraft aperati attached to them so that they can hover above the water. You could send land-based shark missiles at people.

  • NinjaJJ October 15, 2009, 12:15 am

    Number 2 isn’t such a bad Idea

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