Last night, I went out with an otherwise lovely girl who thinks that 1)
“Well, that’s just silly,” you say to yourself, as you try to imagine a whale boffing a hapless seal.
(Hold on, there, sick-o. It’s not that kind of blog.)
What you call “silly” is what DARPA (the R&D arm of the U.S. Dept. of Defense) might consider a job qualification. They’re always looking for people with creative minds who can effectively apply the DARPA Equation:
Devilishly clever, isn’t it? By sticking electrodes up the asses of all sorts of creatures, our defense services are better-equipped to fight, gather intelligence, and fulfill sadistic fantasies first-hatched in 8th grade biology classes. Or so the story goes.
Thanks to the efforts of groups like DARPA, for a long while our country has been at the forefront of technologies such as remote-controlled sharks, electro-telepathic rats, cybernetic monkeys (glee!), and battle-cattle.
Can the computer sense what I’m thinking? Here’s a hint: This really frigging hurts.
First things first. Let’s teach the cyborg monkey the universal gesture for “#%$! You!”
But the dementedly resourceful folks at DARPA shouldn’t be complacent, because there’s a new player on the “let’s make another cyborg monkey so we can watch them fight” stage.
This can’t be sanitary.
Well, I assume it’s an attack pigeon. The only alternative I can imagine is that these Chinese scientists are also able to control when the pigeon craps and have thereby invented the world’s best practical joke device. But I think not.
To help our boys and girls at DARPA to stay ahead in the furry-robot-arms race, I hereby suggest the following applications of the DARPA equation:
1) Gorillas implanted with a chip that makes them go violently apeshit (no pun) whenever there’s a Commie or a member of Al Qaeda detected nearby. (I know, I know… this one is obvious.)
2) Gophers that send a radio signals with GPS coordinates when they discover land mines.
3) Buzzard bombs. Similar to a smart bomb, but less expensive. Hordes of chip-implanted vultures and other heavy, large-beaked birds would plummet into any target–say, enemy troops–“painted” by a friendly targeting laser. Afterwards, no one concerns themselves with the harm that came to the vultures because, seriously, who cares about vultures?
4) Dogs with X-Ray-vision-enhanced eyes. Now when your bomb-detecting dog starts flipping out, you know he’s found something.
What say you? Any ideas?