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Reviewers of 300 Just Do Not Get It


This morning, a friend pointed me to what she considered to be an unfavorable review of 300 from the New York Times. A snippet:

A bombastic spectacle of honor and betrayal, “300” is about as violent as “Apocalypto” and twice as stupid.

Here’s the message my brain received when I read that passage:

A super-awesome, bombastic spectacle of violence, honor, and betrayal… much better than Apocalypto, which, along with the Jew-hater Mel Gibson, is double-stupid.

Metacritic.com has aggregated all reviews of 300 and has come up with an overall score of 53 (out of 100). Now, usually I scoff at the notion of seeing any film with a score lower than 60 (because I’m a snob, yo), but clearly we’re in a situation of reviewers having severely-misguided expectations about what this movie is. It’s adapted directly from a comic book, people! (Ok, from a graphic novel, but that’s just a name to describe a really long comic book.)

From The Washington Post reviewer:

It’s kind of a ghastly hoot, and while I suppose it does no harm, it also contributes nothing. It’s a guilty unpleasantness.

Jesus, you want contributions? This ain’t The English Patient or An Inconvenient Truth… it’s a comic book that’s come-to-life, dude! And no one should feel guilty about enjoying seeing three-hundred bad-ass Spartans take on the million-strong Persian army in a heretofore unseen spectacle of breaking shit. And by that measure, it’s obviously scored a 100, based on the reviews.

Now, I’m not a fan of mindless violence. I grew weary of Jean-Claude Van Damme movies long, long ago. But spectacular violence delivered with spectacular cinematography, a classic story, genuine passion, and novel, mind-blowing visuals? I can get on board with that.

I am still a guy, after all.

On the other hand, even if my argument were moot: If it pisses off the Germans, it’ll probably float my boat.

15 comments… add one
  • nickolai March 9, 2007, 7:41 pm

    I love the undertone of homo-eroticism that this movie is hiding in plain sight. 300 Greek, speedo-clad, bronze-skinned warriors with washboard abs stabbing their implements into waves and waves of countless, exotic men.

    And I can’t wait to see it.

  • Great White Snark March 9, 2007, 7:46 pm

    Stop, you’re getting me hot.

  • Nima March 9, 2007, 11:14 pm

    Forget the great imagery.
    Forget that half the movie is fiction.
    Forget that the ancient Mayans didn’t use dart guns as Mel depicted.
    Forget the spectacle of 300+ man-abs and waxed/oiled chests.
    Forget the blood and gore and great battle scenes.
    Just sit back and enjoy the unnecessary ventral and dorsal nudity.
    That’s worth $7 and 2 hours of your time.

  • Great White Snark March 10, 2007, 12:48 am

    Please refer to him as his proper name of Mel the Douchey Jew-Hater. And, no, he won’t be getting my $7. That is all.

  • Cindi March 10, 2007, 8:04 pm

    I’m just excited to be mentioned in your blog.
    But I still just don’t get it. I’m sorry, I just don’t.
    Even the trailer exhausts me.

  • Great White Snark March 11, 2007, 4:13 am

    If it exhausts you, then it’s doing its job. After that minute-and-a-half, you should feel as though you yourself sliced open the bowels of at least one hundred ancient Persians.

  • Cindi March 12, 2007, 9:45 pm

    I’m married to a modern Persian, so believe me, I get enough exposure to the workings of Persian bowels, thank you very much.

    Oh…sorry…was that TMI?

  • Cindi March 12, 2007, 9:46 pm

    P.S. Thank GOD you know the difference between “it’s” and “its.” Young man, if I had a much younger twin sister, I would betrothe her to you.

  • Great White Snark March 12, 2007, 9:50 pm

    I also know the difference between “they’re”, “there”, and “their”. I should totally get laid more often.

  • Nima March 12, 2007, 10:09 pm

    Well this “Modern Persian King” does not have razor blades for arms, is not a 10 foot tall metrosexual with makeup and multiple facial piercings, does not shave his legs arms and chest, and does not get hot and bothered by Gerard Butler (whoever he is).

  • Great White Snark March 12, 2007, 10:12 pm

    Just because you don’t shave your chest and don’t like Jerry Butler, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re a bad person.

  • Nima March 12, 2007, 10:18 pm

    Are you blogvane (blog+ vane = a new word I just created because I am just so smart and stuff)? How do you post a reponse to a response so quickly? Have you left your blog at all today? Did you go out at all? Shower? Shave? Eat dinner?

    We’re worried about you!

  • Great White Snark March 12, 2007, 10:21 pm

    The gods of Wordpress notify me whenever you say something foolish. When-e-v-e-r.

  • JohnQ March 13, 2007, 8:27 am

    What amazes me is how many critics have picked on it for historical inaccuracy. Holy shit, you mean to tell me that the real Xerxes didn’t employ giant mutants with swords for hands? I totally didn’t know that.

    I want my money back!

    My only quibble with it was the severe blow dealt to my self-esteem. I like to think I’m in decent shape, but this movie made me feel OBESE. Seems that every Spartan is born with a well-defined six pack, massive man tits, and rippling thighs. Fuck, even the random extras in the background were ripped.

  • Great White Snark March 13, 2007, 12:01 pm

    Little known fact: steroids were actually invented by the Spartans.

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