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Revolutionary Advanced Weaponry: New ways to laugh at your enemy’s pain.

By Great White Snark | March 16, 2007

If you’re a defense contractor or gun manufacturer churning out small-arms, there’s got to be a point at which you realize you’ve run out of creative enhancements and variations you can impose on a basic assault rifle. I mean, everyone remembers the last really fun advancement in assault rifle technology: the barrel-mounted M203, which created a wham-bam M16 / grenade launcher “combo”.

 

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A deadly perro-gato.

That was in the early 1970s. Since then, the best we’ve been able to expect have been “advancements” like the Corner Shot, which allows soldiers to shoot around corners. Well, whoopee. If I had known that I could make millions of dollars sticking a video camera on a Beretta so that I could shoot around a corner without getting my face blown off, I sure as shit wouldn’t be blogging about comic books and the pervy predilections of B-list sci-fi actors.

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God hasn’t yet created a degree of sarcasm that would allow me to describe how unremarkable this so-called advancement in weapons technology is.

No enemy combatants have pissed themselves in fear of being assaulted with the Corner Shot. Meanwhile, I’m not expecting the next great advancement (that is, a rail gun co-mounted with a plasma rifle) any time soon. In fact, I expect it to materialize about the same time that Kurt Russell is made obsolete by a group of genetically-engineered super-soldiers led by the guy who starred in the Bruce Lee biopic.

So, these weapons producers, faced with a mature product line and a marketplace that demands innovation, have got to be saying, “Dude, we need to think up something totally sweet! Who’s got the pot?”

At least, based upon what I’ve seen, I think that’s what they must be saying. I don’t know. You be the judge:

 

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The Heat Ray. Or, as I like to call it, “the toy they wished they had at Abu Ghraib”. Creates an overwhelmingly intense burning sensation in the target. I can’t count the number of ways in which this could (and sadly, probably will) be abused in our overseas engagements. I anticipate that–thanks to an eventual highly-televised scandal involving POWs–someday soon we’ll all know how to say, “My balls are on fire!” in Arabic.

 

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GPS-Implanting Sniper Rifle. Um, right, Spider-Man was sticking minuscule (spider-shaped) tracking devices on out-of-reach baddies starting as late as the 1980s, s-o-o-o… why am I impressed with this gun?

 

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Gun-wielding Robot Sentry. The mine fields aren’t enough. The South Koreans need another guarantee that no communists, tourists, or forest animals will compromise the DMZ. (Or, live to talk about it.)

 

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Paralysis Beam. Subjugate your enemies via humiliation. Once you zap a dude into a paralysis while he’s taking a dump, you’ll never have to worry about him showing his face on the field of combat again.

 

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Mini-Terminator. You hear “portable robot [...] capable of [...] engaging enemies with an on-board armory that includes a machine-pistol and grenades” and “Israeli-made” and think, Ok, this is going to be one bad-ass killing machine. And then you see a picture of it and realize it’s only nine inches tall and the designers might as well have duct-taped a gun and a video camera to a remote-controlled Tonka truck. Oh, Israelis.

 

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Vomit Beam. Think about how useful this would be to the CIA in undermining unfriendly foreign heads of state. Imagine Kim Jong-il in a national, televised address to his people: “I, your fearless Dear Leader, in all of my omniscience, have… guh… guh… y-a-a-a-a-a-a-k…

 

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110,000-volt Taser Cannon. Because, sometimes–just sometimes–the best use of hot plasma is turning a human being into a charred Doritos chip.

Have you seen any other sweet-ass, in-development weapons that I haven’t included here? And, yes, I’ve seen the reports on the Air Force’s 1994 proposal to develop bio-weapons that could turn enemy combatants gay.

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  • Topics: Crafts and Hacks, Gadgets, Offbeat News, Technology | 7 Comments »

    7 Responses to “Revolutionary Advanced Weaponry: New ways to laugh at your enemy’s pain.”

    1. Wavatar Rusignola Says:
      March 17th, 2007 at 8:44 am

      Is it wrong of me that I’m still waiting for this?

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C7hHKN7wWO0

    2. Wavatar Great White Snark Says:
      March 17th, 2007 at 12:08 pm

      Wrong? No. It’s so very right.

    3. Wavatar nickolai Says:
      March 19th, 2007 at 12:57 pm

      Did the Air Force really think turning enemies gay would make them less effective fighters?

      I’m sure watching ‘300’ corrected their thinking on the supposed ineptitude of rip-roaringly queer soldiers.

    4. Wavatar Great White Snark Says:
      March 19th, 2007 at 1:03 pm

      Don’t mess with a queer. With a beard. And a spear.

    5. Wavatar nickolai Says:
      March 19th, 2007 at 1:10 pm

      oh, and I do think that a variation of Adam West’s brilliant contraption could absolutely destroy a rogue state:

      http://youtube.com/watch?v=3gQCqxgzoGs

      Just replace the kittens with another cute cuddly, like hanta virus.

    6. Wavatar Great White Snark Says:
      March 19th, 2007 at 1:21 pm

      Shout-out to hantavirus.

    7. Wavatar bl0aty Says:
      April 16th, 2008 at 3:48 am

      I still like to just use a board with nail in it.
      :P

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