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What Monkeys and Anime Have in Common

There are two long-standing truisms in entertainment media:

1) Larry King will outlive us all.

2) Monkeys make everything better.

Everybody knows that monkeys can elevate anything. The examples are innumerable: Cheesy Clint Eastwood movies from the late 70s. Ads for job-finding Web sites. Space travel. Trips to the zoo. The list goes on and on.

A well-placed simian can even redeem the status of car dealership commercials, which would otherwise be the bane of the advertising industry.

Lately, I’m starting to think that anime is the new “monkey”. Or, at least, anime is just about the closest anything can come to becoming a shadow of “monkey”.

Take the case of Witchblade. In spite of the storyline’s premise–whenever a hot lady-cop engages her powers to fight evil, she becomes sheathed in ultra-revealing magical armor, which becomes even more revealing as the lady-cop uses more of her powers–I’ve never made time for the comic book or the television show. And I certainly won’t dole out ten bucks to see any Witchblade movie.


Behold my considerable powers of whore-ishness!

But, based on the preview on Comic Book Resources, I could see myself spending an hour watching Witchblade anime. I’m lured by the wild animation, sweet-ass action scenes, and the always-entertaining dubbed dialogue.


Click the image for a preview clip that will pop-up in a new window. I mean, if you like preview clips.

My favorite from the clip:

Witchblade: “Come on, you big thing! I feel you! Come on!”

(This line was addressed to a mechanized tank, speeding towards her with its giant, phallic gun barrel. Now, I’m pretty sure that the sexual innuendo was an unintentional side-effect of poor translation, but you never know with those Japanese folks. I mean, they are the brains behind a giant, synchronized orgy (NSFW-ish) of two-hundred fifty couples.)

I’m not saying that Star Trek would be any less lame in an anime version, but a stylized cartoon version of Star Wars set during the Clone Wars certainly took a bit of the stink off of the prequels.

What say you? What else would benefit from an anime-ization? I think Frank Miller’s Batman: The Dark Knight Returns would be pretty sweet. And also The Apprentice, but only because you know Trump’s hair would be portrayed as a living weapon.

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