The Goonies is finally getting a sequel. A comic book sequel, but a sequel, nonetheless. That’s the good news.
Data rides a Segway? That he didn’t build himself? This is pathetic.
But, Houston, we have a problem. From the article in Wizard:
…a story that takes place in the present day but picks up just several years later in “comic-book time.” Some of the Goonies are in high school and others are in college, but they’re no longer quite functioning as a group.
…the thrust of the series will center around Chunk discovering that Sloth, who has relocated to the caves from the first film, has gone missing on the same day that the Fratellis escape from prison. With a newspaper clipping reporting a Bigfoot sighting in Hells Canyon, Ore., as his only clue, Chunk must reunite his old friends to once again save the day.
You lost me at “in college”. Think about the feasibility of this scenario. We all know that lovable chubster Chunk is destined to become a grossly-overweight, alcoholic frat boy. I mean, what better name for his “brothers” to chant as he’s guzzling his fifth beer bong and vomiting all over the ping pong table? Chunk! Chunk! Chunk!
In what outlandish scenario would you expect a college student–arguably the most self-involved breed of human on the planet–to say to himself, “Hey, you know, it’s been a while since I’ve heard from that freakish mongoloid that shared a Baby Ruth with me seven years ago. I should see what he’s been up to.” Yeah, not. Right after you wake up at noon, pick up the least-dirty jeans and t-shirt off of your floor, and meander down to your buddy’s room for five straight hours of pizza, beer, and Madden on Xbox 360.
Even money says that Sloth is a goner.
Speaking of Sloth, the comic mini-series will also apparently reveal his origins. Let me give you a preview: His parents were brother and sister. From Alabama. And they were very tall.
I think that just about explains everything.
UPDATE: Turns out the Goonies sequel will be animated.