Last week, a prestigious dealer of Hollywood memorabilia held an auction for a mind-blowing collection of artifacts and goodies. This is the auction house that had previously sold the command chair from the deck of the Enterprise for $304,750 (to some devastatingly nerdy rich dude) and Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber from Star Wars for $195,500. And there’s no question that the items in this latest auction are what geeky wet dreams are made of.
What I do find suspect, however, are the estimated values presented by the auction house. (The results of last week’s auction have not been reported.) Now, I’m a Batman fan, but on what planet is Christopher Reeve’s original costume from Superman: The Movie worth the same as (and not more than!) Val Kilmer’s costume from Batman Forever? Maybe in Bizarro’s universe, where the Earth is all square and stuff.
In the spirit of, oh, I don’t know… my thinking that I know better than everyone else does… I offer you the reassessed, actual values of a sampling of the items from the auction.
Tom Cruise Hero Jacket Worn in War of the Worlds Estimate: $2,500-$3,500. Actual Value: I don’t know, how much would you pay to go as a midget Scientologist for Halloween? Personally, I’d pay $50 for the privilege of urinating all over this thing and then Fedexing it back to Mr. Cruise at 321 Blastoff Street, Crazy Town, USA, Planet Earth.
If you squint just right, you can see Xenu from here.
Parking Sign from Ghostbusters: “Reserved for Ghost Busters, All Others Will be Towed” Estimate: $400-$600. Actual Value: Well, since we know the only appropriate spot for this is right over your garage door or parking spot, this item is worth a lifetime of thinly-veiled scorn and ridicule from your neighbors. The price of showing off your prize to the world.
Hello, world. Nerd lives here.
Original Script for War Games (Revised final draft, heavily annotated.) Estimate: $300-$500. Actual Value: The only trade-in worthy of your vintage Apple IIe.
Hero Costume with Rocket Pack from The Rocketeer Estimate: $20,000-$30,000. Actual Value: How much would it cost to hire a steampunk engineer to build one of these bitches that actually works? Let’s say $5,000 and a daily supply of doughnuts.
It’s 2007. I think it’s about time we have a jetpack that doesn’t set your ass on fire.
Footloose Script Estimate: $200-$300. Actual Value: A handy from your girlfriend, after you give her one of these for her birthday. Tell her the script still reeks of Kevin Bacon, that’ll help.
Shawn Ashmore “Iceman” Costume from X2: X-Men United Estimate: $1,000-$1,500. Actual Value: The “costume” consists of a blue knit sweater, indigo Diesel-brand jeans, and a pair of Reeboks. Tell you what, why don’t you pay me $1,000, and I’ll stop laughing my ass off at you, Shawn Ashmore so-called “costume”.
James Gandolfini Blood-Stained Shirt from the Sixth Season Finale of The Sopranos Estimate: $2,000-$3,000. Actual Value: It’s not up my alley, but I do know people who would let Paulie punch them once in the Adam’s apple to get their hands on this thing.
Gee, what a handsome and tasteful display piece this would make.
Deep Throat Original Poster Estimate: $1,000-$1,500. Actual Value: You know that vintage copy of Playboy you’ve kept, telling yourself that someday it’ll be worth something? Yeah, time to trade it in. For something classy.
It’s not porn. It’s art.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Hero Costume from Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines Estimate: $20,000-$30,000. Actual Value: Are you kidding me? Who cares! You don’t even get the trademark sunglasses in the deal. I’d peg the actual value at $500, which is the approximate retail value of an XXXL all-leather outfit from Wilson’s Leather. It also happens to be the value of a costume from Good Burger, so kindly smoke that, Governator.
Now on sale at Wilson’s Leather.
Scarface Advance One-sheet Poster Estimate: $300-$500. Actual value: If you’re a college student… one of your spindly, chainsawed limbs. Best. Dorm. Room. Poster. Ever.
Christopher Reeve Complete Hero Superman Costume from Superman: The Movie Estimate: $50,000-$70,000. Actual Value: Damn. Don’t you even think of giving up anything less than your left testicle. Let’s face it: One of your balls probably isn’t worth $50,000, anyway.
Makes you want to cry, doesn’t it? Frigging awesome.
Val Kilmer Complete Batman Costume from Batman Forever Estimate: $50,000-$70,000. Actual Value: Sorry, give me a sec while I try not to wet my pants. I mean, it’s no Michael Keaton costume from Batman, but still… you can have my first-born child for this. And maybe my second kid, too, depending on how much I like him.
Even with the dopey nipples, it’s still pretty sweet.
Complete Alien Creature Suit from Ridley Scott’s Alien Estimate: $100,000-$120,000. Actual Value: Worth every penny. Along with the Prototype Creature from Predator (Estimate: $8,000-$10,000), some bottle rockets, and a shotgun, you’ll be the only one outside of creature FX shops able to play a decent game of Space Marine in your backyard.
UPDATE: The Christopher Reeve Superman costume sold for $115,000, whilst the Val Kilmer Batman costume sold for only $63,250. Damn right! The blood-stained Sopranos shirt went for $5,750, the Rocketeer costume got $23,000, and some complete moron spent $40,250 on the Wolverine claws worn by Hugh Jackman in X2: X-Men United. Apparently there was a bit of a competition for the title of Lord Moron, because someone else bought Alicia Silverstone’s Batgirl costume from Batman & Robin for $48,875. You can check out all the results at Profiles in History.
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