If you could take one household item and fashion a version of it out of a Star Wars character,

1) What would the item be?

2) Who would the character be?

Now, take a moment to consider. It’s so easy to go wrong here. For instance:

Did you answer “ash tray” to question 1? Too bad. I’m sorry to inform you: You’ve been repressing memories of your 8^th grade shop teacher touching your naughty bits while you sang the Beach Boy’s Kokomo and drilled holes through the eyes of a picture of David Cassidy. Seek help. End the cycle.

If you answered “R2-D2″ to question 2, you’re a raging lemming, and probably a fascist.

Everyone, their mother, and Jerry Seinfeld have fashioned R2-D2 into various receptacles, appliances, tools, and widgets. I submit as evidence the R2-D2 trash can, the R2-D2 USB thumb drive, the Artoo Potatoo, the R2-D2 telephone, the $2,520 R2-D2 DVD projector / iPod dock, the R2-D2 belt buckle, the R2-D2 webcam, the R2-D2 M&M’s ornament, the R2D2 collectible cup, and the R2-D2 cake pan.

And why limit the R2-D2 hackery to household items? Witness the R2-D2 giant PEZ dispenser, the R2-D2 mailbox, the R2-D2 bobble head, the world’s smallest remote-controlled R2-D2, the R2-D2 flying model rocket… holy Lord Lucas in Heaven, it never ends!

(In fact, if you were to outfit your home with all of these items, you’d be a strong contender to claim the crown of King of Nerdstrom, Indiana from the guy with the Star Trek-themed apartment.)

Sorry, what? That’s not enough hot R2-D2 action for you? You want to consume R2-D2 incarnations until you have nightmares about purple bumblebees pollinating X-Wing orchids with astromech-droid nectar? Check out R2D2central.com, where “Chicks dig the dome”… except that they don’t.

Side note: For Star Wars-themed gadgetry, the obvious move is to make an umbrella out of a lightsaber handle. I’m surprised it took this long for someone to get it done.

On a whim, I searched my old friend Wookieepedia for references to umbrellas in the Star Wars canon. The surprising result: Combat Umbrellas.

The Combat Umbrella was a device used by specialized clone commandos during the Clone Wars, including the members of H.O.P.E. Squad. It was used to slow descent when making high orbit precision entries such as attacking a repulsor platform.

So very wrong. Stormtroopers should never, ever be packing the same sidearm as Mary Poppins. Let’s be done with it and equip the clone commandos with magical happy dust, why don’t we.

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