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More Star Wars movies are forthcoming. Just shoot me now.

George Lucas is going to make two more live-action Star Wars films. Why? Because:

  1. Sometime between receiving his latest seven-figure residuals check for Star Wars merchandise sales and seeing studio estimates for the gross ticket sales of Indiana Jones 4, he joined the rest of the free world in becoming a lot less keen on his producing “highly abstract, esoteric” art house films, and…
  2. He wants the terrorists to win.

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George, arriving at the opening ceremonies of the Polluting of Formerly-Good Movie Franchises Games.

Ok, so this isn’t geek news that has “fallen through the cracks.” But it’s significant enough piece of geek news that it merits my reaction, here on the blog. Here goes:

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO! NO!

Why do you hate America, George Lucas? Why do you want all puppies to be sad puppies? Why do you want to piss on one of my generation’s most cherished childhood memories of cinema, even after you’ve kicked that memory in the shins (Phantom Menace), spit in its face (Attack of the Clones), and shoved it down into the dirt (Revenge of the Sith)? Why am I so bad at formulating analometaphorsimiles? Why? Why?

I guess what I’m saying is, If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

And what I’m hearing you say, George, is, Ooooh! Look at all the pretty money! Now I can finally afford the cloning technology that will allow me to create an Alec Baldwin nanny for each of my children!

UPDATE: More evidence that God loves everyone, including smarmy, blogging Jews. No more Star Wars movies!

15 comments… add one
  • Paul May 10, 2007, 9:53 am

    I like Revenge of the sith a lot. But I think really because I was happy that it was a lot better than it could have been (i.e. Phantom). I guess the eternal optimist in me is thinking… well maybe with these two he might not f them up… but in my heart of hearts I know you’re right.

  • nickolai May 10, 2007, 10:06 am

    Yeh, I wouldn’t be so down, GWS. Word is that these long product-placement vehicles (because that’s what they really are, right?) will focus on the seedier elements of the SW universe. More Han Solo/Boba Fett, less boring jedi buddhism.

  • Shithead May 10, 2007, 11:17 am

    I am actually down with some more star wars action. Even though the last three weren’t great (I did like the third), it was still exciting to get new movies – a little nostalgic boost that reminded me of watching star wars when we got our giant ass vcr, and actually getting to go to the movies to watch Jedi. These flicks are for us – people who should have grown out of it by now, but are ready to lap up more – not for kids going to the movies for the first time. Twenty years from now, leave it to the studios to fuck up those franchises with lame ass sequels, and watch the now grown up kids lap it up.

    As for me, I say bring Star Wars on in smell-a-vision.

  • Great White Snark May 10, 2007, 12:09 pm

    Oh, you know I’ll still go to see the new movies, in spite of my (self-) righteous fury over the original Star Wars story having being polluted so much already. I mean, it’s still Star Wars, after all. If it’s like Nickolai says, and it’s about random characters in the SW universe who have no bearing on the main SW storyline, I could see myself genuinely enjoying it.

  • Cynthia May 10, 2007, 12:44 pm

    I heard George Lucas interviewed on Alice 97.3 yesterday morning. I think the term “personality-free” just about sums it up. And I agree. The pre-quels, or whatever you called them, sucked. Despite the presence of Liam Neeson.

  • Great White Snark May 10, 2007, 12:53 pm

    Now that you’ve heard him, you probably begin to understand why the characters he created in the prequels were absolutely soul-less.

  • Paul May 10, 2007, 1:53 pm

    I feel better. After re-reading the articles they are tv movies. They can’t get any worse than the Ewok tv movies… could they?

  • Great White Snark May 10, 2007, 8:22 pm

    Good find, and good point. I like that they’re going to be TV movies, because it will set expectations way-low. Loved the Ewok movie… but I wouldn’t have if I had seen it in the theater.

  • Cindi May 10, 2007, 10:02 pm

    It takes a lot to make Natalie Portman boring and insipid, but somehow, George managed it.

    GWS, I didn’t even know there was an Ewok movie, and I’m a little concerned to know that you loved it.

  • Great White Snark May 10, 2007, 10:10 pm

    Don’t be too concerned, I was like, 9.

  • nickolai May 10, 2007, 10:21 pm

    In an effort to floor you Cindi, I just want to point out that there were two made-for-TV Ewok movies. You can read about them here:

    and here:

    I preferred the 2nd — let’s just say that the 1st one involved a magic rock as a key plot device, and that the 2nd benefited from the gravitas of Mr. Quaker Oats himself.

  • Cynthia May 13, 2007, 10:28 pm

    I’m still trying to imagine GWS at 9.

  • Anim8or January 21, 2008, 7:42 am

    OK… since I knew him at 9, I’ll give you a snap shot. Imagine the same guy, only he was really into Star Wars, video games, Robo-Cop (who wasn’t), toys… ok… just imagine the same guy.

    Everyone our age loved the “Ewok Adventure” movies. They were fun, and they were recently released on DVD for anyone who missed them.

    IF Lucas Arts is able to get past a really horrific animation engine and ever release the next video game (Force Unleashed), I am really looking forward to what they are up to with that story. Seems like everyone who knows what Lucas SHOULD have been writing for the films got swept down to Lucas Arts to write for the game, there were some amazing concepts for the story, which I really wish could have been used or included in the a film. I think the writers for the games, somehow “get past Lucas” and manage to write stories that actually work in the Star Wars universe (unlike Lucas).

    EP3 was on cable last night… It was the best of the new 3, but… things I was pissed about 1. Never getting to see jedi trials, or a lightsaber being built. 2. Vader should never have yelled “noooooooooooo”… 3. EP1 had the best lightsaber fight, even though the best one should have been Anakin Vs. Obiwan, it wasn’t (the whole lava skateboarding thing annoyed me). 4. Anakin’s lightsaber should have slowly turned red (like his eyes), and then back to blue when Obi-Wan picks it up… would have been cooler (and for some reason, even the TOY makers figured that one out, because Anakin’s lightsaber toys do change color). It also would have made for a more visually easy to read fight. 5. Han Solo was raised by Wookies, he would have been about 10 when Yoda was there helping the Wookies fight off the droid army, failure to include him as a child was completely retarded, and they could have given him a few good one liners even as a kid. 6. Failure to include the Millenium Falcon the “famous ship from the clone wars”, which could have been (should have been) piloted by Lando (since the rebels did make him a general immediately, because of his historic role in the “battle of Tenab”, and the ship USED to be his). 7. Leah remembers her mother, she died when Leah was young. I can’t stand yet another stupid plot hole (like in EP1, he meets Anakin when he is a little kid not when is “is already a great pilot” as explained in Ep4).

    The main reason the new films don’t feel like starwars (aside from the scale, and way too many effects, and total lack of character development, and having stupid slap stick comedy going on in the background effects all the time, and forgetting the witty dialogue) was the original films used 3PO and R2 as the characters you followed through the story in all 3 films, the films were done through the eyes of the droids.. He COULD have done that in the first 3, and again, he just didn’t for some stupid reason.

    If there are more movies, Lucas should hand over the writing to someone who remembers the first films, and is able to understand what made them good (and newsflash..it wasn’t the effects or over the top action sequences).

  • Great White Snark January 21, 2008, 6:57 pm

    Wow, Anim8tor, you nailed it, and then some. Clearly you’ve put some quality thought into this.

    Han Solo was raised by Wookiees?? I had no idea. Time to read up on Wookieepedia…

  • Red Five September 15, 2008, 9:43 pm

    Anim8or, I’m pretty sure Han grew up as an orphan on Corellia. I don’t think he went to kashyyyk until he was older. Other then that I pretty much agree with everything you said.

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