Let’s play a game. See if you can spot what’s wrong with the following picture:

Have you found it?

“Dude! They’re making a sequel to The Punisher? Didn’t the first one get, like, 33 out of 100 on Metacritic, putting it on par with Van Helsing, Soul Plane, and Jerry O’Connell’s Body Shots? That is ass.” True enough, but that’s not it…

“Wait. Thomas Jane. Isn’t he supposed to be a respected actor, or something?” He’s had a couple of lucky breaks, but ever since The Sweetest Thing, his career has been cemented in crap. Try again.

Give up?

Here’s what’s amiss: What the flying salty pig is Michael Keaton doing in this movie?

Mr. Keaton, you do realize whose shoes you’re stepping into, yes? The last person to co-star with Thomas Jane in a Punisher movie was John Travolta. As I’m sure you know, he’s among the most craptacular of all the Scientologist goons. No one wants to see you follow in those footsteps. That path leads to White Man’s Burden, Swordfish, and Battlefield Earth.*

The world can forgive Jack Frost and Multiplicity, sir! Those were mere frivolity. But The Punisher 2 is a commitment to a lifetime of B-movie drivel.

You were Batman, sir. And Mr. Mom. And the all-American dude from Gung Ho. And that’s how we’d all like to remember you.

Please, King of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, please, let this poster, and the other ones on display at ComicBookMovie.com, be fake.

* I hope you’ve enjoyed my mixed metaphors as much as I enjoyed writing them.

UPDATE: Punny 2 isn’t even good enough for Thomas Jane, any more.

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