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BABE Rally 2007: A road rally that’s really not as good as it sounds.

BABE 2007. What a poor choice of name for what is not at all an international swimsuit competition. Rather, it’s a 1,300-mile road rally from New York to New Orleans (hence, BigApple2BigEasy) in which the contestants drive death-traps-on-wheels. On purpose. And, based on what I’ve seen of the vehicles, I should use the term “wheels” loosely.

The contestants in BABE Rally 2007 are limited to vehicles that they can purchase for $250 or less. I don’ know if you’re familiar with the car-buying power of two-hundred-fifty U.S. dollars, but it looks a bit like this:

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A sloppy, floppy jalopy.

The sadistic bastards who’ve planned this smog-pollution-party appear to relish the diminished state of these autos of limited means:

BABE2006 was a huge success. The cars were absolutely appalling – exactly what was expected. In fact, they were worse than appalling, which was definitely a bonus.

Yikes. But that’s not all!

Along the way you will be asked to participate in some challenges. These are simple challenges, they may include costume on one particular day, they may involve collecting things from particular places.

For example, on Day 2, the contestants have to dress like Elvis. Oh, good, because you want to be sure to sprinkle a bit of insult on what would could potentially be fatal injury. Makes perfect sense, you rocket scientists.

So, for what charity are these people risking life, limb, and dignity? Oh, wait, BABE 2007 doesn’t benefit a charity! That means these nutjobs are in it for the fun!

The key to having fun is to find a car that is safe but is also utterly knackered. You will be pitching your mechanic skills in getting your heap of trash to the end. None of this cruise control, air conditioned, motorized sofa nonsense. You want raw, edgy and uncomfortable.

Just ask the Teams who managed to puff and pant their way through the American Deep South for BABE2006. They’ll tell you… sweat and steam are good for the soul!

If your car breaks down you have two choices: retire from the rally; or get the car disposed off and start hitch- hiking with other teams to the end!

Yes, that all sounds utterly delightful. Wouldn’t it save a lot of time if, instead, you just replace the wheels on your bicycle with warped pizza pans and take a ride down the side of a Georgia mountain in the middle of summer? …into the welcoming arms of a drunk, redneck, prison-escapee?

Sadly, a courageous friend of mine has decided to participate in what is sure to be–at the very least–an exercise in extreme discomfort, and–at worst–an invitation for a nasty accident in the backwoods of Tennessee. I guess there’s a shortage of extreme sports that feature wiry, metrosexual, rock-and-roll photographers, so he has to get his jollies somehow.

[Side note: You ever notice how courageous and foolish are often synonymous? I’m just sayin’. Not that it has any relevance in this case. Totally separate thought.]

Please support my dear friend and his mentally-diminished accomplice. They clearly need all the help they can get.

To my friend: Be safe, and good luck. You lunatic.

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