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“Dirty Dancing: The Video Game” Signals the End of All Original Ideas

Could someone please print out some Google Maps directions to the bottom of the barrel? Because the fine folks at Lionsgate Films and Codemasters Software want to scrape the hell out of it. Behold, Dirty Dancing: The Video Game.

Work alongside the team at the Kellerman’s resort, play through a fantastic variety of fun mini-games and earn camp dollars to purchase Dirty Dancing® memorabilia, cabin furnishings, and the all-important dance lessons with Johnny and Penny.

Impressive. The game developers and copywriters would have to work overtime to make that sound any less fun. Really, though! It’d take some serious, extra-special elbow grease!

Think about it, you brain surgeons behind this concept. The underlying premise of the movie Dirty Dancing is that only squares would enjoy being dragged by their parents to a lodge in the Poconos to play bingo and other parlor games. The only saving grace in such a scenario for Daddy’s Little Girl is the prospect of dancing (real dirty-like) with the sexy beasts who hang out in the employee quarters.

So, do you do the smart thing and create Dance Dance Revolution: Dirty Dance Dance, in which players try to perfect pelvic-thrusting in rhythm with the beat? No! You threaten to subject the players to “working” at the resort and playing silly parlor games! You have brought to life the lamest aspects of a vacation with your parents!

Imagine this… but dirrrty.

Take a cue from TV producers… when in doubt, add more sex and violence. Preferably, sexy violence.

Let me offer some alternative taglines and gameplay that could generate some genuine buzz around your project.

  • Give Baby a nose job! Don’t screw it up, or she might never work in Hollywood again!
  • Help the reanimated digital corpse of Jerry Orbach repair a botched abortion!
  • Challenge old man Kellerman to a pistol duel!
  • Earn points for impregnating young women on the resort staff!

You’re welcome.

6 comments… add one
  • Shannon May 30, 2007, 9:41 am

    Best headline ever.

  • Great White Snark May 30, 2007, 10:06 am

    Really, though? Not “Die Hard 2: Die Harder”?

  • Marty May 30, 2007, 11:07 am

    I guess my hope for Dirty Dancing II, this time it’s personal are now washed down the toilet. Which ruins my hope for Dirty Dancing III, The Beginning – the sequel that is really a prequel. Sigh.

  • Great White Snark May 30, 2007, 11:12 am

    Lower your expectations, and you won’t be disappointed, Marty. Like, w-a-a-a-ay low.

  • Cindi May 30, 2007, 9:44 pm

    OMG, I started laughing at the first sentence. Can I use that line, GWS? I promise to give you credit.

  • Great White Snark May 30, 2007, 10:04 pm

    I’m glad my sarcasm can bring light into just one person’s life.

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