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America Surprised and Dismayed to Discover its Love of Eddie Murphy

I’d like to point out a minor injustice. One that I think will surprise you.

Eddie Murphy’s movies have grossed more money (north of $3.4 billion) in the U.S. than any other actor’s movies.

That’s a tough one to compute, isn’t it? The mind immediately goes to more obvious candidates like Tom Cruise (#4), or even Mel “I support National Hate a Jew Day” Gibson (#12). But, no. It’s Eddie fricking Murphy.

Then why do we cherish “lesser” stars, while Edward goes comparatively unnoticed? I mean, the dirty undershirt worn by Bruce Willis (#6) in Die Hard is going on display at the Smithsonian, and I heard rumors that the Pope is going to formerly recognize Tom Hanks (#2) as a living Saint. (And well-deserved, I say. About time American celebrities got some special treatment. Poor, suffering bastards.)

You know the answer. Because Murphy is a one-trick pony (or, more recently, donkey) who participates in increasingly-awful films. At best, his work in recent years has been forgettable. At worst, the quality of his cinematic choices has fallen more precipitously than my libido after seeing the cover of a “Celebrities without make-up!” tabloid at the supermarket.

No, I don’t count the Shrek movies. Portraying a jackass? Hello, typecasting… please come in and make yourself comfortable. Plus, pretty much anyone can lend their voice to CG-animated blockbuster. Case in point: Hollywood third-tier actor–and first-rate comedian–Patton Oswalt is about to hit the jackpot with Ratatouille.

The role custom-made for Eddie Murphy.

Don’t ever play a game of “Name Eddie Murphy’s Worst Movie,” because it could go on for hours without a winner. A couple of the many contenders, of course, would be Pluto Nash and Beverley Hills Cop III.

Which brings me to the impetus for this rant. Producer Lorenzo Di Bonaventura really wants to make Beverly Hills Cop IV.

Yeah. In other news, millions of people are going without clean drinking water. But Di Bonaventura and Eddie Alistair Murphy r-e-e-e-ally want to spend millions of dollars further eroding American culture. May George Bush’s freedom-loving God bless them.

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