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An Open Letter to the Padme Skywalker Doll

Dear Padme Skywalker Doll:

I do realize that your packaging is that of an action figure. I mean no disrespect, but what crying, pregnant woman is ready for any sort of “action”? The most action you might see is when a little girl decides to play “Ken escorts Padme to the Family Planning Clinic.” Hence, you are a doll.

First… why a picture of you, crying, on the packaging? Now, don’t think I can’t sympathize with the pain caused by the stunted acting and constant whining of the Anakin Skywalker Action Figure. It’s not that. But you must know that crying isn’t particularly appealing to little boys (Ages 4 and up) who like to play with action figures. Perhaps you could consider an exaggerated ‘constipated’ look in your next photo shoot. Little boys love poop jokes.

Speaking of your looks, why does the shocked expression on your small, plastic face suggest that your water just broke? Perhaps you’re just surprised that–unlike other Star Wars action figures–you don’t come with an accessory. No laser blaster, no collectible coin… not even a wet nurse droid. What’s the incentive to pick you up off the shelf at Wal-Mart? Your futuristic space sandals?

Or maybe you’re horrified to discover that your hair (so lovely in the photograph) has gone missing. It looks like you had time for about about two months of growth after your time as a bald V for Vendetta action figure. Or you’re making a contrived appeal to the underage lesbian set. Unclear.

What should we look forward to once you’ve been recalled? “Frolicking-with-Anakin-through-the-fields-like-two-lovestruck-dopes Padme”? “Too-weighed-down-by-an-elaborate-costume-to-go-anywhere Padme”? I look forward to being struck by the lameness of your future iterations.

Yours truly,

Great White Snark

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9 comments… add one
  • nickolai July 12, 2007, 8:49 am

    Excellent stuff. Belongs in the pantheon of stupid toys:


  • Great White Snark July 12, 2007, 12:29 pm

    Great find. I particularly enjoyed the jabs at “Faker”… everything about him, down to his name, prevents him from ever, ever being mistaken for He-Man.

  • nickolai July 12, 2007, 1:26 pm

    you liked that better than the toy stripper pole? I’m getting that for my future baby girl.

  • Great White Snark July 12, 2007, 2:37 pm

    Really, it was a toss-up.

  • Contemptster July 12, 2007, 2:58 pm

    And you just know some disappointed kid is going to get that “action” figure because it will be the only one left in the store. Hooks and hooks packed with hanging Pregnant Padme dolls. Kids looking behind each one hoping for some over-looked hidden gem. Reminds me of when I got “The Baroness” G.I. Joe figure. At least she had a nice rack.

  • Great White Snark July 12, 2007, 3:03 pm

    At least the Baroness had the courtesy to wear leather and not be eight months pregnant.

  • Paul July 12, 2007, 10:40 pm

    Good stuff… but the joke is a little lost on me since it’s some wierdo’s custom and not an actual Star Wars figure. I feel the need to knock the person who really NEEDED to make a custom uber-pregnant Padme than the figure itself. The fact that this thing exists is really frightening.

  • Great White Snark July 12, 2007, 11:02 pm

    I like to think of it as making a mockery of a mockery.

  • Costume Doll November 22, 2007, 6:48 am

    This is just a hilarious stuff. This perhaps has no place on my collection.


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