Dear Padme Skywalker Doll:
I do realize that your packaging is that of an action figure. I mean no disrespect, but what crying, pregnant woman is ready for any sort of “action”? The most action you might see is when a little girl decides to play “Ken escorts Padme to the Family Planning Clinic.” Hence, you are a doll.
First… why a picture of you, crying, on the packaging? Now, don’t think I can’t sympathize with the pain caused by the stunted acting and constant whining of the Anakin Skywalker Action Figure. It’s not that. But you must know that crying isn’t particularly appealing to little boys (Ages 4 and up) who like to play with action figures. Perhaps you could consider an exaggerated ‘constipated’ look in your next photo shoot. Little boys love poop jokes.
Speaking of your looks, why does the shocked expression on your small, plastic face suggest that your water just broke? Perhaps you’re just surprised that–unlike other Star Wars action figures–you don’t come with an accessory. No laser blaster, no collectible coin… not even a wet nurse droid. What’s the incentive to pick you up off the shelf at Wal-Mart? Your futuristic space sandals?
Or maybe you’re horrified to discover that your hair (so lovely in the photograph) has gone missing. It looks like you had time for about about two months of growth after your time as a bald V for Vendetta action figure. Or you’re making a contrived appeal to the underage lesbian set. Unclear.
What should we look forward to once you’ve been recalled? “Frolicking-with-Anakin-through-the-fields-like-two-lovestruck-dopes Padme”? “Too-weighed-down-by-an-elaborate-costume-to-go-anywhere Padme”? I look forward to being struck by the lameness of your future iterations.
Great White Snark
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