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A Bunch of Really Obnoxious Things I Will Not Do at Comic-Con

The news was hard to miss in the geeky corners of the blogosphere on Monday: The full Comic-Con schedule has been posted. Exciting, indeed, but the (online geek) world surely couldn’t accommodate one more fanboy’s personal itinerary or another geekzine’s recommended panels. To heartily buck the trend, I present to you the Things I Absolutely Will Not Be Doing at Comic-Con 2007 (so help me King Jesus).

  • I will not ask pioneer in Creative Commons licenses Cory Doctorow to burn me a copy of the new Interpol CD.
  • I will not bring a bag full of rotten tomatoes to the debut of Star Trek: The Original Series on HD-DVD. (I promise.)
  • I probably won’t bring my Batman toys to the Hasbro: Marvel panel and demand to do battle.
  • Syd Mead, the visual concept designer for vehicles in Blade Runner, doesn’t need me to ask him when he’s “going to save Ford by designing the new Taurus.” And then do my best impression of a flying car, complete with sound effects.
  • I will respect Rosario Dawson’s work as an artist. I will not ogle her. Much.
  • I won’t report from the Gays in Comics Panel and Mixer: “This is so gay.” And then titter like a drunk 6th-grader.
  • I won’t attend the Hanna Barbera Retrospective. If I did, I wouldn’t ask the panelists, “Hey, remember the live-action Legends of the Superheroes TV show? With the Ghetto Man character? Remember that? Yeah. That was awesome.” And then roll my eyes sarcastically. Because, you see, it wasn’t awesome. At all.
  • I will not give handwritten thank-you notes to the panelists of The Art of Adapting Comics to the Screen. The notes will definitely not say, “Thank you for the masterpiece that is Ghost Rider. Or, as I like to call it, The Thinking Man’s Turd of a Comic Book Movie. I hope that learning to live as a soulless marketing drone has not burdened you in any way. Love, A Fan.”
  • You know what would be incredibly trite? Asking Dane Cook if he can identify the moment at which he stopped being funny. So, I won’t do that. Plus, I can count on some hapless fanboy to do it… and then I have the pleasure of ridiculing both of them.
  • I will sit quietly and enjoy all the zombie-goodness of Spotlight on George Romero. I will not ask Mr. Romero if he has ever considered the financial merits of zombie porn.
  • Veronica Mars is over. I’ve learned to live with that. Kristen Bell has moved on to other projects, like Fanboys. I will die a little inside, but I will not address her as “Veronica,” ask her if Keith Mars won the election, or ask if she ended up getting back together with Logan. Because, holy toast and jam, that would be lame of me. And we wouldn’t want that. Ahem.
  • I won’t cry at the World Premiere of Superman Doomsday when Superman dies. In fact, I might laugh. Just to show the other geeks just how very cool I am. Which, you know… is a lie.
  • The description for Comics Arts Conference Session #5: Disguised as Clark Kent: Jews, Comics, and the Creation of the Superhero begins with this: “Superheroes were created by Jews. Is that significant, or a complete coincidence and no big deal?” I will not ask the panelists to finally reveal to the world what other industries the Jews have been secretly manipulating for decades. “I mean, besides movies, finance, and diamonds… those are obvious.”
  • I will not throw myself on the floor in front of the panel of executive producers from 24 and start throwing a loud, braying tantrum until they decide to make Jack Bauer just… go… away.
  • I will not ask director Kevin Smith to get high with me after the show.
  • I will not play a drinking game that involves my taking a shot every time the audience cheers for the return of Jericho.
  • I won’t ask the hotties of Battlestar Gallactica whether having to work in close proximity to an uncloseted pervert led to the cancellation of the show after only four seasons.
  • I won’t ask Josh Hartnett whether his casting in 30 Days of Night was a) a bad idea, or b) a really horrific idea.
  • There’s a better chance for a snowball to survive a day in hell than there is for me to wear a costume to the Masquerade. Let’s leave that to the, um… professionals:

11 comments… add one
  • Ben July 13, 2007, 12:04 am

    Thanks for the fan boy plug :)

    Can’t believe you are not gonna suit up for the day there is no fun unless you make a fool of yourself.

  • Great White Snark July 13, 2007, 12:15 am

    It takes one to know one, Ben! Glad to have you stop by.

    No costume (even Halloween gives me indigestion), but I think a super-geeky t-shirt (or four) might be in order:

    http://www.cafepress.com/secret_id

  • Mike July 13, 2007, 1:01 am

    That Green Lantern must be stationed on a planet on the far edge of the universe, because I’m not sure he makes it to all of the Corps meetings.

  • Great White Snark July 13, 2007, 1:02 am

    I think perhaps he’s dressed a GL groupie. Because no self-respecting GL would wear a cape and carry a green broomstick.

  • Paul July 13, 2007, 8:08 am

    I keep forgetting that I’m going to go to this.

  • JD July 13, 2007, 12:02 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this;it was original and funny:)I don’t think I’ll dress up either (I never have) but maybe I’ll put the tracking mark from Heroes on my neck (maybe that will look like I have a scar or I don’t wash my neck??) but definitely the geeky shirts! I checked out the secret id link and the shirts are cool but maybe I’ll make a shirt that says “My boyfriend isn’t a geek, my husband isn’t a geek….I’m the geek”! Have fun at Comic-Con I know I will.

  • Great White Snark July 13, 2007, 12:27 pm

    Ah, clever idea, JD. Perhaps I’ll put a barcode on the back of my neck and go as a (relatively) hairy Hitman.

  • Cynthia July 16, 2007, 3:52 pm

    Unsolicited recommendation: while you’re in San Diego, go to one of the Karl Strauss Breweries. (One of my oldest friends, Chris Cramer, founded it. Tell him I sent you.)

    Otherwise, I have nothing clever to add to this already hilarious post other than to hope that you will, indeed, get to hang with Kevin Smith. Godspeed.

  • Paul July 16, 2007, 9:59 pm

    I may be going as honest to God press. Did you sign up for a press pass GWS? I’d say you’d qualify and then some.

  • Great White Snark July 16, 2007, 10:00 pm

    Aw, shucks, thanks. It looks like I’ll be going as press for a larger, more-established, less-petty comic news outlet.

  • web tasar?m? July 29, 2009, 3:32 am

    Unsolicited recommendation: while you’re in San Diego, go to one of the Karl Strauss Breweries. (One of my oldest friends, Chris Cramer, founded it. Tell him I sent you.)

    Otherwise, I have nothing clever to add to this already hilarious post other than to hope that you will, indeed, get to hang with Kevin Smith. Godspeed.

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