By Great White Snark | July 23, 2007
Drunk, crazy, British, chubby, and carrying a flute.
Here are five real-world attempts to bring the Caped Crusader to life. Unfortunately, none of them exactly inspire confidence in the Dark Knight.
COSTUMED PANHANDLER One of the costumed panhandlers on Hollywood Boulevard–a Batman stinking of booze–got arrested for insisting upon using a portable toilet rented by some striking union workers. When the workers tried to move him along, Batman became “confrontational and enlisted the help of Chewbacca.” Because everyone knows a Wookie pisses wherever he damn well pleases.
[Asked for comment,] Charlie Chaplin didn’t say anything, but he did mimic the tipping of a flask.
Heh. Who says mimes aren’t funny?
MENTAL PATIENT Under what circumstances would you actually see a costumed superhero battling crime in New York City in real life? When a steroidal mental patient dons a Batman costume, that’s when.
A mental patient. That sounds about right. Who else has the time?
BRITISH DOPES God. I was hoping that the world would be spared any more servings of goofy, brainless English crap once Benny Hill passed away. But, no such luck… not so long as Rowan Atkinson is allowed in front of a camera and two blokes dressed as a dumpy Batman and Robin tool around the burg of Whitley in an old VW Bug.
According to the article, these two expend an unreasonable amount of their energy bitching about taxes and “helping stranded motorists and shooing streakers from football pitches.” Yawn. Obviously the costume shop was out of Minimum Wage Security Guard Guy.
MISGUIDED POLICE Two British cops dressed up as Batman and Robin and pretended to be drunk to get into a costume party, where they pinched a 22-year-old man on a drug offense. Unfortunately, that’s the highlight of the story. They spent the rest of their time in-costume making bad puns. And chortling.
SKETCHY DUDE IN A VAN This is the kind of thing that freaks parents out. A dude dressed as Batman stopped his van next to a school bus stop, got out, stood in front of the children, and started playing his flute.
No, “playing his flute” is not a euphemism. Sicko.