The scoops from today’s Comic-Con have already reached the far reaches of the globe, thanks to the power of the Internet tubes.
Yes, but you haven’t gotten my take on the news, yet, have you? Calm yourself… here it is.
INDIANA JONES 4: Karen Allen is back. Yawn.
IRON MAN: Looks like it’ll be fun. Robert Downey is at his sharp, smarmy best. The iterations of the Iron Man armor are shiny and do sufficiently-cool things. Great visuals. Too difficult to tell from the sneak preview where this will fall between the all-flash-and-no-substance of Fantastic Four and the plot-driven, visual extravanza of Spider-Man, but it looks promising. My guess (which you should take as gospel, if you know what’s good for you) is that it’ll lean slightly toward the Spider-Man end of the spectrum.
Iron Man director Jon Favreau
TEEN TITANS: About this project, screenwriter Mark Verheiden was especially tight-lipped. All he would say is that the “tone” is “similar” to “Batman Begins… [and] Watchmen“, and that it’ll be “fun, but not and frothy… not silly.”
Really? Similar to Batman Begins? You really don’t want to compare it to another movie? Say, another movie that wasn’t a smashing critical and box office success? You sure it won’t have a similar tone to, say… Catwoman? Hm. I thought not.
Ten dollars says that soon one of the producers of the film will say it has “the heart of the Spider-Man trilogy.” (And I’m talking Canadian dollars here… the American dollar has officially been driven into the shitter. Thanks, Bush.)
Random trivia: Mark wrote Jean-Claude Van-Damme’s Timecop. From the time the movie was pitched, it took five years to get it released.
And the world thanks you for sticking with it, Mark. And you, too, JC. (Not Jean-Claude. Jesus Christ. Thanks for not giving up on us, yet, Jewish Son of Yahweh. I realize our priorities might seem all mucked up, but we mean well.)
HOT ROD: This sneak preview? Second-funniest thing I saw all day. And that’s saying something. (Funny “ha ha”, not “It’s funny how 100,000 nerds managed to convince their moms to drop them off at Comic-Con this weekend, isn’t it?”)
Picture Andy Samberg recreating the scene from Footloose when Ren dances his frustrations away in the factory to the tune of Kenny Loggin’s I’m Free (Heaven Helps The Man). Except Andy is wearing his daredevil costume in the woods. Just… take my word for it. Comedy gold. Or at least a very convincing comedy cubic zirconium.
Andy Samberg. And other guys.
BEOWULF: Remember that cutting-edge, hyper-realistic CGI movie, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within? Remember how it, like, absolutely bombed? Well, Neil Gaiman has gotten it into his head that it’d be a good idea to create a flashy, hyper-realistic CGI film of the Beowulf story, with CGI versions of actors like Angelina Jolie, Anthony Hopkins, and John Malkovich.
Instead of perfectly good movie with “live” actors, Neil and his creative team (including director Robert Zemeckis) decided to muck up these actors by creating almost-perfect likenesses of them for the movie. So, you get something that looks a lot like Angelina Jolie, but has the annoyingly-distracting, soulless movement of a CGI character.
Let’s just call this idiotic idea Final Fantasy 2, and look forward to it bombing in November, when it hits screens in 2D, 3D, Digital 3D, and IMAX 3D. (They’ve spared no gimmick with this stinker.)
UPDATE: Here’s the Beowulf trailer, so you, too, can appreciate the extent of its cartoonish lameness.
Neil Gaiman. And some orange-haired lady who humors him.
FANBOYS: Oh, beautiful hilarity, thy name is Fanboys. If you are, ever have been, or have ever known a Star Wars fanboy, you will laugh your ass off at this thing. Plus, it features the lovely Veronica Mars. I mean, Kristen Bell. (Sorry. I seem to do that a lot.)
Is it just me, or is she looking suspiciously in my specific direction in these really crappy pictures? I like to think that she is. A look is a look.
MIDNIGHT MEAT TRAIN: In other news you might not have gotten in the ‘official’ outlets… Clive Barker showed up absolutely hammered to his panel, to the delight of 3,000 onlookers. He babbled about absolutely nothing that made sense until he literally had to be dragged offstage by his film’s director and actors. Cheers to you, Master of Horror.
UPDATE: On ComicBookResources.com, I’ve provided a compellingly-insightful article reviewing the screening of NBC’s new Fall show, Chuck. Don’t be surprised when you discover a complete lack of snarkiness. News outlets–even comic book news outlets–don’t care for that sort of thing.
DOUBLE-UPDATE: My recap of the panel on Return to House on Haunted Hill is on ComicBookResources.com. It has all the scoops you need on this direct-to-DVD film that exactly thirteen people will see. Oh, and P.S., it’s a Choose Your Own Adventure movie. Seriously.