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The Geek Girlfriend Litmus Test in Cosmo Quiz Style, Part One

If my experience with online dating were a television show, it’d be a tragicomedy, featuring dialogue like this (addressed to a perfectly lovely speech therapist specializing in small children’s developmental issues):

So what kinds of techniques do you use with these kids? I mean, do you beat them for being so stupid?

Yes, I said that to a date. Yes, I have class… spelled with a capital A-S-S.

Yes, she asked me out again. And I could not tell you why.

Even though Dr. Neil Clark Warren is convinced that I share “deep levels of compatibility” with women who have twice my weight and none of my disdain for Appleby’s and other things you can find in a suburban strip mall, I’m not ready to settle for anything less than a spiritual connection with a gal who passes the Geek Girlfriend Litmus Test.

Find me an online dating site that screens single women with this geek-compatibility quiz–and that requires several recent photographs–and I’ll gladly part with my $29.99 a month.

For fun, I’ve fashioned this in the style of a Cosmo quiz… you can tally your score at the end.

1) Who shot first?
a) OMG, WTF are you talking about? Stop talking to me, nerd. (-10)
b) Um, I dunnoh. Is it on Wikipedia? (+0)
c) Everyone knows the added bullshit in the 1997 Special Edition doesn’t count. (+10)

2) In case of fire, what belongings do you save?
a) Duh, my make-up and my Christina Aguilera CDs. Nerd. (-15)
b) My cat. (-10)
c) Important files and paperwork. (+5)
c) My boyfriend’s computer and his prized collection of comic books / action figures / back issues of Maximum PC. (+15)

3) What’s your favorite Halloween costume?
a) One year I went as the apple from the Fruit of the Loom gang. (-15)
b) I, like, only dress up as people I respect. Like Paris Hilton. She’s so pretty. (-10)
c) I only dress up as people I respect. Like Madeleine Albright. She’s so brilliant. (+0)
b) Sexy nurse / cat / policewoman / whore. (+5)
c) Who needs Halloween? I’ve got a slave Leia costume that fits any night of the week. (+15)

4) What do you do when your hard drive crashes?
a) Wash it out in case it’s all gunky. (-20)
b) Like, call those Geek Squad nerds to fix it. (-5)
c) Restore from my backup data. (+5)
d) I know my Mac isn’t perfect, but what was I going to do? Get a Dell? I might as well try cutting a porterhouse with a banana while I’m at it. (+10)

5) What do you want to do tonight?
a) Let’s go stand in line for an hour with my girlfriends for the opening of this new club. It’s supposed to be s-o-o-o-o hot. And I heard Nick Lachey is going to be there! (-15)
b) Don’t we have episodes of Battlestar Gallactica on the TiVo that we haven’t watched? Let’s order a pizza and hang out on the couch. (+5)
c) Surprise! I got us tickets to a Video Games Live concert! (+10)

6) What’s your position on video games?
a) They’s so stupid. I don’t get it. (-15)
b) I can tolerate them, as long as my boyfriend doesn’t spend hours playing them. (+0)
c) I know my fellah needs to blow off a little steam every once in a while, and sometimes that means shooting things. At least it’s fun to watch… the graphics are amazing on the Xbox 360! (+5)
d) Let’s fire up the Wii. I will so take you down in tennis! (+10)

7) Let’s get a dog. What do you want to name him?
a) Mr. Cuddly Snugglesworth. (-20)
b) Rex. Or, Tobey. (+0)
c) Hobie. I think that’d be a cute nickname for Obi-Wan. (+5)
d) Bender. I never watch Futurama any more, but I like the idea of naming our pet after a loudmouthed robot. (+10)

Add up your score:

  • -110 through -5: Go back to watching MTV. Need not apply.
  • 0 through 25: Someday you’ll be a wonderfully average girlfriend for some guy named “Joe” who thinks that USA Today is “the news.”
  • 30 through 55: So close! Spend some time on Wookieepedia and try again.
  • 60 through 80: Congratulations! You qualify to find out why geeks make better lovers.

Continue to Part Two of the quiz.

12 comments… add one
  • Cindi August 6, 2007, 11:11 am

    Oh, GWS. My heart aches for you. (Did you *really* say that to the speech therapist?)

    Brilliant post, however. You’ve outdone yourself with this one. You must read Cosmo regularly.

  • Great White Snark August 6, 2007, 11:28 am

    I really said that. I was just as shocked as you are.

  • Cindi August 6, 2007, 12:12 pm

    The fact that she actually asked you out again indicates that you should marry her.

  • nickolai August 6, 2007, 5:16 pm

    Excellent stuff. I like that dressing up as a whore earns more points in your book than dressing up as Madeleine Albright. Although i shudder to picture the latter.

  • Great White Snark August 6, 2007, 5:21 pm


  • Dave August 8, 2007, 3:09 pm

    any use of the word “porterhouse” garners applause and praise. well done, mr snark. well done indeed.

  • Great White Snark August 8, 2007, 4:15 pm

    Thanks, Dave. It wasn’t hard… I like meat.

    You know what I mean.

  • badnima August 14, 2007, 2:14 pm

    OMG. I’m turing gay RIGHT NOW just so I can hang out with GWS as his beard, or something like that. If Cindi hadn’t come along with her MILFy looks, HAAS would have had the first heterosexual same-sex coupledom.

  • Great White Snark August 14, 2007, 2:19 pm

    You’re not really my type. Too much hair.

  • Cindi August 14, 2007, 2:32 pm

    Don’t worry, GWS. I wax extensively to restore balance to the universe.

    Badnima, you and GWS could certainly be hetero life partners like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. You two are almost as cute.

    Anyway, GWS, take heart. The way to a woman’s underclothes is through her sense of humor.

  • Great White Snark August 14, 2007, 2:37 pm

    So that’s my problem… I thought the way was through the zipper.

  • Animadi May 8, 2009, 10:30 am

    Aww, cute!
    Wouldn’t I run to save MY computer, comic book/graphic novels/action figures and extensive catalogued Magazine collection (among other things including my cats) if there was a fire?
    Isn’t it every Geek for themselves?

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