≡ Menu

The Top Five Toy Collectors Gone Wild

J. Alberto Christ knows that if I had ridiculous amounts of money, I’d buy up every model of Transformer and G.I. Joe ever made, and then hire the guy who made Wallace and Gromit to create a stop-motion Transformers vs. G.I. Joe: Battle for Earth animated movie.

(Actor Chris Tucker would provide the voice of Wheelie. He would be killed early in the movie by his fellow Autobots, who rationalize that they’re doing the world a momentous favor.)

Chris Tucker: “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my…” [SQUISH. Crushed under Grimlock’s dino-foot.]

Just because you can do something… doesn’t mean that you should do something.

Which can often describe the world of adult-onset toy collecting.

5) STAR WARS SUPER FANBOY

You, sir, have earned my skenvy. (No, that’s not the little tuft of hair from my lower back that looks like a tail. I totally don’t have one of those. At all.) I envy you for having had the resources and dedication to have fulfilled every little Star Wars fanboy’s dream… to recreate the Star Wars movie, scene-for-scene, with your Star Wars action figures and toys. Meanwhile, I think I can safely assume you are no longer a boy, but a manchild… politely submitting a cinematic Flash-video request for my unabashed scorn.

Seriously, who owns all the figures from the band in the Mos Eisley cantina? Dude.

4) NUTTY WONDER WOMAN COLLECTOR

Listen, Sam. It couldn’t any more obvious that you’re gay, even if rainbows were shooting out of your ass. And I know Super-Hero Chic has been all the rage amongst the gays, lately. But, c’mon… buy yourself a retro-style Wonder Woman t-shirt or something. Don’t spend $1,000 on a Wonder Woman phone and devote a room in your home to Wonder Woman memorabilia.

Let me put it in perspective. Imagine some college frat boy (not that all frat boys are straight, but let’s gamely enjoy the stereotype for now, shall we?) turning his dorm room into a shrine to some ‘straight’ icon, like Jessica Simpson. He spends hundreds of dollars on Jessica Simpson action figures, stickers, posters, lunch pails, DVDs, CDs, etc. And the cou de gras is a $1,000 blow-up doll of Ms. “Chicken of the Sea”, herself.

You are the gay version of that guy.

3) BATMAN “ENTHUSIAST”

Having a notably large collection of Batman memorabilia–including toys, costumes, and movie props–makes you a “collector” or an “enthusiast”.

When you keep the collection in your poorly-lit, low-ceilinged basement, and the collection includes between seventy-five and eighty Batman cowls and masks… you’re officially a fetishist. It doesn’t help that you look like the sadistic, leather-hooded, gimpy bad guy from that Nic Cage movie about snuff films, 8mm.

Picture this guy in one of those cowls… and shudder.

2) THE GUY WHO HAS EVERYTHING

When you have nearly-complete collections of action-figures from He-Man, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Justice League, Avengers, Superman, Batman, X-Men, World Wrestling Entertainment, Dragonball, Street Fighter, and various fantasy and sci-fi movies like V for Vendetta, Blade, The Terminator…

YOU HAVE SPENT ENOUGH MONEY TO OPEN A TOY STORE.

Retarded.

1) SLAVE TO SUPERMAN

Are you still wondering if your toy-collecting habit has at some point crossed the line and become an obsession? Generally, if you have to ask… yes, you have a problem. Probably the best thing to do is set your house on fire and start fresh.

More specifically, you know you have a problem when you have collected enough super-hero memorabilia to open up a museum.

Very specifically, if your name is Jim Hambrick, you own 100,000+ items related to Superman, and you move to Metropolis, Illinois (GET IT??) to open up your Superman museum… well, then… medical science hasn’t caught up with you, yet. Hopefully, someday, there will be a cure.

Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs

14 comments… add one
  • shaun August 13, 2007, 8:49 am

    how is buying what I like retarded?

  • Great White Snark August 13, 2007, 8:51 am

    <p>Hey, Shaun… fair question. We all have our passions, but spending extreme excesses of money on <em>anything</em> is, in my book (of boundless wisdom), wicked retarded.</p>
    <p>For me, if I ever have assloads of money, there’s a distinct danger of going retarded over very old, very expensive comic books.</p>

  • Cindi August 13, 2007, 9:24 am

    Just when I thought you couldn’t get any funnier. (But I’m really trying hard not to think about your skenvy. Really hard.)

    At any rate, thanks for brightening up my Monday morning. Another–yet another–brilliant post.

  • Great White Snark August 13, 2007, 9:26 am

    Let’s, um, forget I ever brought up my skenvy. (Not that I have one.)

  • Shithead August 13, 2007, 11:01 am

    I’ve got another candidate, which, due to the object of her obsession, might be the worst.

    http://youtube.com/watch?v=DejvJqiEyGo&watch_response

  • Great White Snark August 13, 2007, 1:12 pm

    Wow, SH, I don’t know if the extent of her memorabilia qualifies her as a toy collector… but she is certifiably, bat-shit crazy. I’m not sure which part I found more demanding of psychiatric attention: the $1,800 for Leonardo’s head, the eating of freakish Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle-style pizzas every day, or the TMNT stage show sing-along.

    I think her brother summed it up, best: “Some people have pets. I have a little sister.”

  • shaun August 13, 2007, 5:35 pm

    Great White Snark Says:
    August 13th, 2007 at 8:51 am

    Hey, Shaun… fair question. We all have our passions, but spending extreme excesses of money on anything is, in my book (of boundless wisdom), wicked retarded.

    For me, if I ever have assloads of money, there’s a distinct danger of going retarded over very old, very expensive comic books.

    Thanks for explaining. Allow to me clarify that the collection sort of grew since I started out in ’99 and I don’t really have loads of cash to burn on the stuff I collect. Nice blog btw :)

  • Great White Snark August 13, 2007, 5:40 pm

    Thanks, dude.

  • Paul August 13, 2007, 5:46 pm

    You forgot Steve Sansweet. Look him up, he’s made a career out of collecting everything star wars. I loathe him because I am so jealous of his unrestrained collecting.

  • Great White Snark August 13, 2007, 5:53 pm

    I knew I could count on you.

    From Wikipedia: “Stephen J. Sansweet (born 1945) is the Director of Content Management and Head of Fan Relations at Lucasfilm[1] and the owner of the world’s largest private collection of Star Wars memorabilia.”

    The world’s largest? Christ. I can even get my mind around the amount of Star Wars memorabilia that exists in the world.

  • Paul August 14, 2007, 2:20 pm

    GWS… the guy has a barn filled with Star Wars stuff. I believe he owns every star wars book made. There’s got to be stuff out there for you to do a big post on him. I can’t cite another guy where a guy who was so insane about Star Wars turned it into an official job.

  • Great White Snark August 14, 2007, 2:31 pm

    Sounds like I should try to line up an interview with him… he lives around here, somewhere, in the Bay Area. I have a friend who used to work at Lucasfilm, so I’ll start there…

  • williamhessian January 15, 2008, 12:41 pm

    http://beardedbunnyblog.blogspot.com/2008/01/orko.html

    i love your blog. i will be hanging around often to see your posts. Check out my link to my He-man series of bearded bunny art prints.

    i have a strong attachment to 80s toys and therefore to your blog.

  • peter chacon September 22, 2008, 6:58 am

    Hello ,I have an Old Blue Batman Boomerang used on the television series. I think you might be interested in it. Please let me know what you think.

Leave a Comment