J. Alberto Christ knows that if I had ridiculous amounts of money, I’d buy up every model of Transformer and G.I. Joe ever made, and then hire the guy who made Wallace and Gromit to create a stop-motion Transformers vs. G.I. Joe: Battle for Earth animated movie.
(Actor Chris Tucker would provide the voice of Wheelie. He would be killed early in the movie by his fellow Autobots, who rationalize that they’re doing the world a momentous favor.)
Chris Tucker: “Do you understand the words that are coming out of my…” [SQUISH. Crushed under Grimlock’s dino-foot.]
Just because you can do something… doesn’t mean that you should do something.
Which can often describe the world of adult-onset toy collecting.
5) STAR WARS SUPER FANBOY
You, sir, have earned my skenvy. (No, that’s not the little tuft of hair from my lower back that looks like a tail. I totally don’t have one of those. At all.) I envy you for having had the resources and dedication to have fulfilled every little Star Wars fanboy’s dream… to recreate the Star Wars movie, scene-for-scene, with your Star Wars action figures and toys. Meanwhile, I think I can safely assume you are no longer a boy, but a manchild… politely submitting a cinematic Flash-video request for my unabashed scorn.
Seriously, who owns all the figures from the band in the Mos Eisley cantina? Dude.
4) NUTTY WONDER WOMAN COLLECTOR
Listen, Sam. It couldn’t any more obvious that you’re gay, even if rainbows were shooting out of your ass. And I know Super-Hero Chic has been all the rage amongst the gays, lately. But, c’mon… buy yourself a retro-style Wonder Woman t-shirt or something. Don’t spend $1,000 on a Wonder Woman phone and devote a room in your home to Wonder Woman memorabilia.
Let me put it in perspective. Imagine some college frat boy (not that all frat boys are straight, but let’s gamely enjoy the stereotype for now, shall we?) turning his dorm room into a shrine to some ‘straight’ icon, like Jessica Simpson. He spends hundreds of dollars on Jessica Simpson action figures, stickers, posters, lunch pails, DVDs, CDs, etc. And the cou de gras is a $1,000 blow-up doll of Ms. “Chicken of the Sea”, herself.
You are the gay version of that guy.
3) BATMAN “ENTHUSIAST”
Having a notably large collection of Batman memorabilia–including toys, costumes, and movie props–makes you a “collector” or an “enthusiast”.
When you keep the collection in your poorly-lit, low-ceilinged basement, and the collection includes between seventy-five and eighty Batman cowls and masks… you’re officially a fetishist. It doesn’t help that you look like the sadistic, leather-hooded, gimpy bad guy from that Nic Cage movie about snuff films, 8mm.
Picture this guy in one of those cowls… and shudder.
2) THE GUY WHO HAS EVERYTHING
When you have nearly-complete collections of action-figures from He-Man, G.I. Joe, Transformers, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Justice League, Avengers, Superman, Batman, X-Men, World Wrestling Entertainment, Dragonball, Street Fighter, and various fantasy and sci-fi movies like V for Vendetta, Blade, The Terminator…
YOU HAVE SPENT ENOUGH MONEY TO OPEN A TOY STORE.
1) SLAVE TO SUPERMAN
Are you still wondering if your toy-collecting habit has at some point crossed the line and become an obsession? Generally, if you have to ask… yes, you have a problem. Probably the best thing to do is set your house on fire and start fresh.
More specifically, you know you have a problem when you have collected enough super-hero memorabilia to open up a museum.
Very specifically, if your name is Jim Hambrick, you own 100,000+ items related to Superman, and you move to Metropolis, Illinois (GET IT??) to open up your Superman museum… well, then… medical science hasn’t caught up with you, yet. Hopefully, someday, there will be a cure.
Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs