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The Shortest Route to Sacrilege: Suggesting New Characters for the Next Bibleman Video Game

Bibleman (who?) has got himself a video game. Stick this in your holy pipe and take a puff:

Voice-over: “Imagine an animated world where there is no God… or no faith. Where the arch-villian Wacky Protester can trap you there… forever. Now you have the power to help Bibleman, Cypher, and Biblegirl in this true, interactive videogame… A Fight for Faith!”

Bibleman: “Cypher, Biblegirl… we need some help! The Protester must be stopped!”

The mind reels, stumbles, and falls in contemplation of the creative juices in play, here.

Covenant Studios, it’s too bad your marketing copy stinks worse than a door-to-door bible salesman in Alabama in July… ’cause your gameplay sure as shit isn’t going to move any units. For better or worse, A Fight for Faith is destined to sail into the Heavens of oblivion. Without a miracle, the next Bibleman game will suffer the same fate.

Thank Jehovah’s Witness that I’m here to provide a little help. And help I must. The power of Christ compels me.

I see a golden opportunity to turn Bibleman’s next game into an instant cult-classic, resonating the over-the-top audacity and painfully-clunky lack of self-awareness of the world’s classic B-movies.

All Bibleman needs is a new supporting cast of characters.


The Drunken Clergyman

Even the most stalwart of God-fearing superheroes are vulnerable to lapses of faith. Thanks to the powers of Drunken Clergyman, moments of doubt are washed away (or, drowned, really) by Johnny Walker’s special healing sauce!

Battle Pope

Ok, I didn’t come up with this. Comic book writer Robert Kirkman did. But Battle Pope is screaming for a video game appearance.

When he’s not leadin’ mass, he’s out kickin’ ass!

The Convicted Sex Offender Catholic Priest

He strikes fear into the hearts of sinners, heathens, Democrats, and… well, just about everybody, really.

The Televangelist

Once he starts talking, enemies of the Church are powerless in his thrall! Hell, they might even throw him a few bucks.

The Abortion Clinic Protester

When the endless fight against sin is almost too much to bear, it’s the boundless endurance of Abortion Clinic Protester to the rescue! Her ability to scream incendiary slogans at the top of her lungs until her opponents whither from exhaustion knows no equal.


The Athiest

The Atheist’s evil powers of logic and reason threaten to confuse and confound Bibleman in his quest. Thank the Gods for his indomitable will to blindly follow the word of the Bible!

The Pre-Marital Sexers

Be wary, Bibleman! They can infect you with their deadly rabies!

The Liberal

Don’t be fooled by his feebleness and cowardice, Bibleman! He controls one of your most formidable enemies.


The Pinko Commies

These godless heathens share their wealth with each other… but not with the Lord! Bibleman would rather get a bad case of the whooping cough than live in a world without tithing!

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4 comments… add one
  • Shithead August 17, 2007, 12:40 am
  • Great White Snark August 17, 2007, 12:50 am

    Now that there is a biblical fightin’ game! Except for the part where Eve kicked my ass with nothing but a snake and a figleaf.

  • Cindi August 17, 2007, 9:52 am

    I just talked to Jesus, and he’s laughing with you.

  • Great White Snark August 17, 2007, 11:24 am

    No you weren’t. Because he was busy talking to me.

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