By Great White Snark | August 21, 2007
Every once in a while, Hollywood runs out of comic books to adapt. And then it spitefully unleashes another hack sequel upon us.
5) Lost Boys 2
So far the biggest buzz this movie has been able to muster has been around the news that both of the Coreys will reprise their roles from the original. Awesome. That is, if you’re into has-been, crying crybabies from Criertown.
I think it’s more important to note that Sutherland will be playing the lead vampire.
No, no. Not Keifer. Angus. Angus Sutherland, Keifer’s half-brother.
Now excuse me while I giggle myself to tears.
4) Species 4: The Awakening
If Natasha Henstridge’s naked breasts don’t intend to be a part of this sequel, then I see no reason for me to be a part of it, either.
Gratuitously naked Natasha Henstridge? Not coming soon to a theater near you.
Hell, even Michael Madsen, who will appear in just about anything that involves babes and violence (Bloodrayne, anyone?), isn’t touching this one.
3) Highlander 5: The Source
If the Highlander franchise were a royal lineage, the original film, Highlander, would be King Arthur. Then, if King Arthur and Mrs. King Arthur had twins, the first sequel, Highlander: The Quickening, would be the twin that looked like Danny Devito, not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Clumsily entertaining, but barely showing signs of having been derived from greatness.
Twenty years later, we’ve arrived at the fourth sequel, Highlander: The Source, the George W. Bush of the Highlander family. It’s exhausted any goodwill that might have remained towards a once-respected legacy, while desperately clawing for relevance and credibility.
(This analogy turned out better than my initial one, which had each of the sequels projecting increasingly-unsanitary bodily fluids on the beautiful, clean porcelain of the original storyline.)
2) Mortal Kombat (2010)
Hey, remember in the 1990s when all of those movies based on video games came out? Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, and Mortal Kombat? Remember how good they were?
The original Mortal Kombat made a very-respectable $122 million worldwide. The first sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, grossed $51 million. At this rate, Mortal Kombat 3 will owe moviegoers $9 million.
I might just show up for this flick, if and when it comes out in 2010. If only to pick up my $10 share.
1) Starship Troopers 3
I saw most of Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation. (This sort of thing happens when you’re stuck watching cable at 2am at your parents’ house during a long weekend visit to the homestead.) It had the entertainment value of someone trying to stick a soggy, overcooked green bean in your ear for two hours.
Which orifice do you think Starship Troopers 3 will violate? I’ll give you one hint. There’s no sunshine.
Runner-Up: Return to House on Haunted Hill
Producing a direct-to-video sequel just to pimp a new, interactive feature on high-definition disc players? Now, that’s pathetic.