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The Five Most Pathetic Upcoming Geek Movie Sequels

Every once in a while, Hollywood runs out of comic books to adapt. And then it spitefully unleashes another hack sequel upon us.

5) Lost Boys 2

So far the biggest buzz this movie has been able to muster has been around the news that both of the Coreys will reprise their roles from the original. Awesome. That is, if you’re into has-been, crying crybabies from Criertown.

I think it’s more important to note that Sutherland will be playing the lead vampire.

No, no. Not Keifer. Angus. Angus Sutherland, Keifer’s half-brother.

Now excuse me while I giggle myself to tears.

4) Species 4: The Awakening

If Natasha Henstridge’s naked breasts don’t intend to be a part of this sequel, then I see no reason for me to be a part of it, either.

Gratuitously naked Natasha Henstridge? Not coming soon to a theater near you.

Hell, even Michael Madsen, who will appear in just about anything that involves babes and violence (Bloodrayne, anyone?), isn’t touching this one.

3) Highlander 5: The Source

If the Highlander franchise were a royal lineage, the original film, Highlander, would be King Arthur. Then, if King Arthur and Mrs. King Arthur had twins, the first sequel, Highlander: The Quickening, would be the twin that looked like Danny Devito, not Arnold Schwarzenegger. Clumsily entertaining, but barely showing signs of having been derived from greatness.

Twenty years later, we’ve arrived at the fourth sequel, Highlander: The Source, the George W. Bush of the Highlander family. It’s exhausted any goodwill that might have remained towards a once-respected legacy, while desperately clawing for relevance and credibility.

(This analogy turned out better than my initial one, which had each of the sequels projecting increasingly-unsanitary bodily fluids on the beautiful, clean porcelain of the original storyline.)

2) Mortal Kombat (2010)

Hey, remember in the 1990s when all of those movies based on video games came out? Double Dragon, Super Mario Bros., Street Fighter, and Mortal Kombat? Remember how good they were?

Yeah, well, you shouldn’t remember anything like that unless your name is Bizarro and you’re from a cube-shaped planet orbiting a blue sun.

The original Mortal Kombat made a very-respectable $122 million worldwide. The first sequel, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, grossed $51 million. At this rate, Mortal Kombat 3 will owe moviegoers $9 million.

I might just show up for this flick, if and when it comes out in 2010. If only to pick up my $10 share.

1) Starship Troopers 3

I saw most of Starship Troopers 2: Hero of the Federation. (This sort of thing happens when you’re stuck watching cable at 2am at your parents’ house during a long weekend visit to the homestead.) It had the entertainment value of someone trying to stick a soggy, overcooked green bean in your ear for two hours.

Which orifice do you think Starship Troopers 3 will violate? I’ll give you one hint. There’s no sunshine.

Runner-Up: Return to House on Haunted Hill

Producing a direct-to-video sequel just to pimp a new, interactive feature on high-definition disc players? Now, that’s pathetic.

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14 comments… add one

  • Paul August 21, 2007, 1:10 pm

    Damn 24 and making K. Sutherland a semi-respectable star!

  • Great White Snark August 21, 2007, 3:42 pm

    I don’t know if he’s respectable actor. But I can tell you one thing. Angus is not.

  • Paul August 21, 2007, 8:37 pm

    True, I mean respectable in the sense that he’d be slumming if he was in Lost Boys 2, whereas five years ago it would have been an upgrade.

  • nickolai August 22, 2007, 6:56 pm

    What’s worse? A soggy, overcooked green bean in your ear, or a raw, crunchy one?

    I’ll take soggy.

  • Paige August 23, 2007, 7:09 am

    What about movies like AVP? Personally, I really enjoy watching that movie but MAN did it SUCK!! Thanks for the great comment – do you contribute to FSR? If so, and if you’re interested in collaborating on an article or throwing around ideas, feel free to e-mail me and we can chat :)

    *Paige*

  • Great White Snark August 23, 2007, 4:45 pm

    Hey, Paige… I briefly considered the new upcoming AVP sequel, but there’s a remote chance that it won’t be pathetic. As you said, I’ll probably enjoy watching it, even if it’s not very good. I know I won’t be able to say the same for Starship Troopers 3.

    Nope, I don’t contribute to Film School Rejects, but it’s a fine, fine site, nonetheless!

  • Keith August 24, 2007, 11:20 am

    Starship Troopers was a classic (in the sense it was outrageously overboard) and was the high point of Casper Van Dien’s career. 2 was like what happens if we remake The Thing in the Starship Troopers universe.

    LA, LA, LA…Highlander 2 never happened… La, La, I’m not listening…

  • Great White Snark August 24, 2007, 2:02 pm

    The Thing… good analogy. What would ST 3 be? “What would happened if we painted crap in gold and made it act with CGI insects in the ST universe?”

  • Alex (FirstShowing.net) August 25, 2007, 1:53 am

    If only they could get back and make a real Starship Troopers sequel… that would be amazing. The first is one of my all time favorite sci fi films.

    Mortal Kombat? Species?! This list is an awful sight to see… What the heck is wrong with Hollywood? How do they even think this is beneficial for their business or financially? All of these movies are going to be huge flops and hardly make a dime, so why are they do this? What a shame Hollywood…

  • Great White Snark August 25, 2007, 1:58 am

    I know, it’s disheartening, isn’t it? I think the cost justification for several of these (ST, Species, Highlander, at the very least…) is “straight to DVD.” Apparently they think there’s enough fanboys in the world to make it worthwhile.

    Glad to have you stop by, Alex. Really enjoy your blog… in fact, I was just there checking out the new AVP trailer.

  • Alex (FirstShowing.net) August 25, 2007, 2:16 am

    Yea… saw your comment on there, too. Glad you didn’t post the AVP2 sequel on here!

    I was thinking about that straight-to-DVD idea… Even with those though, I was wondering who buys them? Never, ever in my life have I bought a straight-to-DVD movie… ever! I think the closest is the Hellboy Animated series but you could say that appeared on Cartoon Network before…

    How many people in America are dumb enough to buy the worst-of-the-worst straight-to-DVD movies? Unfortunately enough to warrant these wretched sequels!

  • Great White Snark August 25, 2007, 2:30 am

    For better or worse, I know those people exist… because I’m related to one or two of them. Otherwise solid, red-blooded Americans who own DVDs like Starship Troopers 2 and Spawn: The Animated Movie. Sigh. Anyway, they’re out there.

    You know, I really wanted to enjoy the Hellboy animated movies, but I couldn’t get into them! Justice League or Clone Wars, on the other hand… cartoon nirvana.

  • TR Wong October 4, 2007, 12:28 pm

    Oh gods, they are so defacing some good movies. Lost Boys, Starship Troopers, Mortal Kombat (yes, I liked the first!), I so didn’t need to know they were going to mess this up even more.

    Having talked to a guy who had worked on the previous Highlander TV show and some of the movies, you are very, very correct to add Highlander the Source to it.

  • Great White Snark October 5, 2007, 2:26 am

    Yeah, TR, I think even fans of the Highlander TV series agree that the Source is the suck.

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