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The Seven Most Pathetic Upcoming Geek Movie Remakes

7) Adventures in Babysitting

I served (my time in junior high school) with Adventures in Babysitting. I knew (the dialogue of) Adventures in Babysitting. Adventures of Babysitting (on VHS) was a friend of mine. And (unless I hear the words, “starring Elisabeth Shue and directed by Chris Columbus,”) you, sir, are no Adventures in Babysitting.

6) Weird Science

After the original movie and eighty-eight episodes of the television series on the USA Network, this ship has sailed, folks! What freshness could Hollywood possibly bring to this “two nerds create a perfect woman in a home-based lab experiment” concept?

According to the Hollywood formula, there are exactly two possibilities:

1) A hotter chick in the lead role.

2) Not just one, but several hot chicks in the lead role.

And according to the Fanboy Pirate formula, Hot Chicks + Crappy Movie = many, many copies of the movie stolen from the internet tubes. Good luck recouping your costs on this one, Hollywonderdopes.

5) The Fly

What’s the definition of pathetic? A remake… of a remake.

Plus, how can you beat the casting of Jeff Goldblum? He looks exactly like the kind of guy who didn’t need the help of special effects to sprout quill-like insect fur.

Ew. Sticky.

4) Masters of the Universe

Have we learned nothing? Some cartoons can ably make the leap to the big screen. For years, fanboys have clamored for a live-action Transformers movie. On the other hand, some cartoons need to stay… cartoons. At no point in history has anyone uttered these words:

You know what’d be awesome? A live-action He-Man movie.

(…followed by, “Robert Duvall would be perfect as Man-At-Arms!” Even though he totally would.)

Ok, so there was the one time that someone said that. It was a movie exec. What resulted was film-puke starring Dolph Lundgren and Courtney Cox that grossed a paltry $17 million. And we want to revisit this ideawhy?

3) Tron

According to MovieWeb, “[screenwriter Lee] Sternthal said the new concept is that the computer programmer gets trapped in a cyberworld, so that the film can utilize the Internet.”

Yeah, because getting trapped in the cybernetic depths of Amazon.com sounds just s-o-o-o-o-o frigging sweet.

2) Evil Dead

Jesus Clockwork, Sam Raimi, what are you thinking? You must know that there are two guaranteed ways to piss off legions of fanboys:

1) Jar Jar Binks.

2) Produce any sort of Evil Dead property that doesn’t involve Bruce Campbell.

Trying to replace Campbell in the Evil Dead series is like trying to recast Charlton Heston’s Moses in The Ten Commandments. Those shoes just ain’t gonna get filled.

1) Seven Samurai

Dear The Weinstein Company:

What part of Akira Kurosawa being widely-recognized as a “genius” do you not understand? Do you wipe excrement (oh, sorry, CGI excrement, of course!) on a Van Gogh and call it a remake?

You are stupid, arrogant men. It’s true. I took a survey of me, and 100% of the respondents answered quite confidently in the affirmative.

Love Always,


P.S. The world wanted me to pass along a “thanks” for Who’s Your Caddy. Clearly a hearty slap on the back is in order.

For movie rentals, I recommend Netflix.com (‘Cause you know you’ve got a hankering for Bruce Campbell, now. Or, at least for Charlton Heston.)

5 comments… add one
  • Keith August 24, 2007, 11:08 am

    I could go with a Tron remake or sequel. I loved the original, but wouldn’t mind them making another run at it.

    I do think Sam Raimi has taken one to many Spider blows to the head to think that and Evil Dead sans Bruce is a good idea.

  • Great White Snark August 24, 2007, 2:01 pm

    It’s all about the delivery… if they seriously make a Tron movie about getting lost in the Internet tubes… oy vey.

    Good call. Sam has probably developed a bad case of “I can do no wrong” syndrome.

  • Djomigod September 13, 2007, 10:53 am

    Sequels don’t count as remakes, and Tron II could have some potential. In all honesty, I’ve never even seen the first one all the way through, at least not that I remember, but its look has always drawn me to want to see it on a big screen.

    If you were to do this list in order, I would put Seven Samurai as the number one most idiotic hollywood remake. Weinstein needs to get his head(s) out of his ass(es). I cannot think of any way that could possibly work. Kikujiro is just the most memorable cinematic character ever, and those actors were classically trained to make Kirosawa’s “photographic” paintings come to life in inimitably caricature-esque form. Good luck finding actors that could fit that bill today!

    They may as well make “Seven Samurai II: 7 Samurai vs. the Magnificent 7”, and then make a video game – first person shooter that allows you not only to shoot the Seven Samurai, but their director, Kirosawa, as well.

    And before you think twice- NO. That would NOT be Cool. AT ALL.

  • Great White Snark September 13, 2007, 1:12 pm

    Hey, D, when I wrote this, Tron was still planned as a remake. It was only the announcement this week that turned it into a sequel.

    Apparently you and I are sharing gray matter, because I [i]did[/i] list Seven Samurai as number one. You are a man of refined taste and respectable intelligence.

  • Anim8or November 3, 2007, 3:12 pm

    First- Tron, the problem for me with a Tron sequel is that…. well… HAVE YOU SEEN TRON recently? I mean the movie is characters who ARE computer programs, one of them is a piece of finance software, and the other is RAM (I mean… actually RAM, not just his name)…. OK, honestly, the movie was cool when no one had any idea what a computer really was or how a video game was made, or how a computer works. It just doesn’t make sense once the concept of RAM does make sense… it would be very hard to do a Tron2 and have it not just be… well… (sorry guys) as dumb a premise as the first one. The whole thing that made Tron TRON was the fact that it was the first 3D animation ever done in a film, it was an amazing breakthrough, and very cool (and done by a group of guys who had cocaine on the budget as “art supplies”, and each frame of 3D took more than a day to render). The point is, it had it’s time, and that time has past… you can’t go back to that story and have it be… not lame.. (which is painful to say because the impact of “TRON” is one of the reasons I do what I do for a living)

    That and playing Spy Hunter in my best friend’s basement ;)

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