7) Adventures in Babysitting
I served (my time in junior high school) with Adventures in Babysitting. I knew (the dialogue of) Adventures in Babysitting. Adventures of Babysitting (on VHS) was a friend of mine. And (unless I hear the words, “starring Elisabeth Shue and directed by Chris Columbus,”) you, sir, are no Adventures in Babysitting.
6) Weird Science
After the original movie and eighty-eight episodes of the television series on the USA Network, this ship has sailed, folks! What freshness could Hollywood possibly bring to this “two nerds create a perfect woman in a home-based lab experiment” concept?
According to the Hollywood formula, there are exactly two possibilities:
1) A hotter chick in the lead role.
2) Not just one, but several hot chicks in the lead role.
And according to the Fanboy Pirate formula, Hot Chicks + Crappy Movie = many, many copies of the movie stolen from the internet tubes. Good luck recouping your costs on this one, Hollywonderdopes.
5) The Fly
What’s the definition of pathetic? A remake… of a remake.
Plus, how can you beat the casting of Jeff Goldblum? He looks exactly like the kind of guy who didn’t need the help of special effects to sprout quill-like insect fur.
4) Masters of the Universe
Have we learned nothing? Some cartoons can ably make the leap to the big screen. For years, fanboys have clamored for a live-action Transformers movie. On the other hand, some cartoons need to stay… cartoons. At no point in history has anyone uttered these words:
You know what’d be awesome? A live-action He-Man movie.
(…followed by, “Robert Duvall would be perfect as Man-At-Arms!” Even though he totally would.)
Ok, so there was the one time that someone said that. It was a movie exec. What resulted was film-puke starring Dolph Lundgren and Courtney Cox that grossed a paltry $17 million. And we want to revisit this idea… why?
According to MovieWeb, “[screenwriter Lee] Sternthal said the new concept is that the computer programmer gets trapped in a cyberworld, so that the film can utilize the Internet.”
Yeah, because getting trapped in the cybernetic depths of Amazon.com sounds just s-o-o-o-o-o frigging sweet.
2) Evil Dead
Jesus Clockwork, Sam Raimi, what are you thinking? You must know that there are two guaranteed ways to piss off legions of fanboys:
1) Jar Jar Binks.
2) Produce any sort of Evil Dead property that doesn’t involve Bruce Campbell.
Trying to replace Campbell in the Evil Dead series is like trying to recast Charlton Heston’s Moses in The Ten Commandments. Those shoes just ain’t gonna get filled.
1) Seven Samurai
Dear The Weinstein Company:
What part of Akira Kurosawa being widely-recognized as a “genius” do you not understand? Do you wipe excrement (oh, sorry, CGI excrement, of course!) on a Van Gogh and call it a remake?
You are stupid, arrogant men. It’s true. I took a survey of me, and 100% of the respondents answered quite confidently in the affirmative.
P.S. The world wanted me to pass along a “thanks” for Who’s Your Caddy. Clearly a hearty slap on the back is in order.
For movie rentals, I recommend Netflix.com (‘Cause you know you’ve got a hankering for Bruce Campbell, now. Or, at least for Charlton Heston.)