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If Favorite Characters from Canceled Geek TV Shows Lived On in New Roles

A slew of actors from canceled geek TV shows are making their way back onto the small screen. Who says they can’t bring a little of their old characters with them?

David Boreanaz on Bones as Angel from, um, Angel

Winner: Wussiest Vampire, 2005

I’ve never shot myself in the foot, enjoyed a prostate exam, or gotten into a who-can-contract-STDs-the-fastest contest with Paris Hilton.

The same sensibilities that have guided these choices have precluded me from watching Bones. If Boreanaz’s character weren’t just a detective, but a vampire detective… I might just tune into the episode where he is interrupted by a ray of deadly sunshine in the middle of delivering the show’s 117th incredibly-contrived “witticism.”

James Marsters on Without a Trace as Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Oh, how he l-o-o-o-o-ves to find missing persons…

Speaking of vampires from Buffy, consider the comic potential of having a closeted blood-sucker on the FBI’s Missing Persons Squad. They could spend an entire episode finding the missing-person-of-the-week, then at the end, Spike could eat the missing person when no one was looking.

Heh. It’d all be very, “Oh, crap, we lost another one. That’s the fifth one this month that’s been eaten. Something fishy is going on. Oh well! Better luck next time, I hope!”

Nathan Fillion on Desperate Housewives as Captain Mal Reynolds from Firefly

That’s not the sort of weapon that the characters of Desperate Housewives usually enjoy strapping on.

From what I understand, Desperate Housewives involves a lot of backstabbing, cattiness, and general pettiness. All I’m saying is that it’d be neat if Fillion’s character, the new gynecologist on the block, was comfortable kicking someone into a running jet engine for mouthing off a bit too much…. whomever that someone might be.

(You know… as long as that someone is Teri Hatcher.)

Adam Baldwin on Chuck as Jayne from Firefly

Looking for something to hit.

From NBC, on Baldwin’s character on the upcoming new show, Chuck:

Baldwin stars as Major John Casey, an National Security Agent whose main objective is protecting Chuck Bartowski and the vital government information stored in his brain.

Here’s how Jayne would handle this job: “So, wait. We’re protecting this guy? Why don’t we just sell him the next chance we get? No one needs to know. How much do you think he’d be worth on the black market? You think the buyers would care if he were sort of dead?”

Katee Sackhoff on Bionic Woman as Starbuck from Battlestar Gallactica

Have you seen my flask?

Talk about not operating heavy machinery while under the influence… every episode of Bionic Woman would involve a game of, “What happens when you give bionic abilities to a raging alcoholic?” Can’t you imagine Sackoff’s character accidentally propelling herself through the ceiling in the course of simply attempting to walk up a flight of stairs?

Just don’t let her hold any babies.

Jason Segel on How I Met Your Mother as Nick Andopolis from Freaks and Geeks

Don’t let that gay guy pick on you. Panzy.

Is it just me, or is Jason Segel’s character, Marshall, on HIMYM just a grown-up version of Nick Andopolis? I expect him to break out a guitar and sing pathetic, forlorn love songs to his wife, Lily, at any moment.

Man, how’s that for some burdensome typecasting: Put-upon, dorky, pushover with hang-dog demeanor. Segel’s got that all locked up. Could be worse, I guess. Could be typecast as a small, eccentric mutant… like Clint Howard.

Alyson Hannigan on How I Met Your Mother as Willow from Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Someone needs to stop by the Maybelline counter.

Hannigan’s Lily on HIMYM with Willow’s magical witch’s powers could accomplish so very much. She could stop Ted from reeking of desperation. (Even when you’re acting “cool,” Ted, we still see it in your eyes. It’s not like you have eggs that are going to dry up… relax, already.) She could morph her husband Marshall from a spineless mope into an actual man. (See above.) She could free Barney from the shackles of closeted gayhood. (Seriously, Barney… overcompensate, much?) And, finally she could stop Robin from talking in that ridiculous Canadian accent.

Really, Robin, you can’t be hot and talk funny if you expect anyone to take you seriously.

I should know. Ahem.

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