…As Measured Against the Standard Set by George W. Bush

First, let’s clarify something. Making fun of George Bush isn’t a political statement, and I’m certainly not going to start decorating the blog with In 2008: Barack Will Rock widgets.

Although there’s a strong likelihood that he will. Rock, that is.

No, accusing George Bush of having been hit with the comically-stupid stick is something that can be substantiated by a variety of objective, quantifiable, scientific tests. In fact, I just ran your vitals through one of those tests, and it said you’re a mouth-breathing simpleton if you take this post for anything more than a satirical jab at our Flubber in Chief.

And, hey, don’t get all bent out of shape with the messenger, I’m just telling you what the test said. The very scientific test.

That said… I reserve the right to make political jokes. If you want to bitch about it in the comments, your feedback must be accompanied by a comprehensive plan for fixing our educational system. And none of that underfunded, pie-in-the-sky bullshit, ok, Mr. No Child Left Behind?

So, disclaimers and jabs (at you) aside, let’s examine which fictional Presidents in geek movies best represent the kind of Presidentering perpetrated by a lovable oaf from Texas who just this week visited the APEC summit in Australia, and called it the OPEC summit just before referring to his hosts as Austrians.

Now, to his credit… because you know this is how he rationalized it in his head… yes, Australians and Austrians do both have silly, silly accents.

5) Bill Pullman as President Whitmore in Independence Day

President Whitmore has that whole earnest, do-gooder thing that would make his teenage kids want to claw their own eyes out in embarassment.

Bush is less earnest about doing good and more earnest about putting his buddies in administration positions for which they’re not in the least bit qualified (a glorified horse trainer as head of FEMA, anyone?), but he does have that special knack for embarassing the shit out of any teacher who’s ever been responsible for any aspect of his education.

Case in point:

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream.

We’ll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America will be the pacemakers.

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.

I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.

4) Donald Moffat as President Bennett in Clear and Present Danger

This guy was a born propagandist. He probably had a whole storage room dedicated to “Mission Accomplished” banners. He didn’t lose too much sleep over illegal or immoral policies, ’cause he was pretty sure that 1) he knew better than everyone else, and 2) any sticky situation that came to light could be remedied with savvy political maneuvering.

Now, if only our citizens and media were all as smart, resourceful, dedicated, and handsome as Harrison Ford.

3) Tommy ‘Tiny’ Lister as President Lindberg in The Fifth Element

Before Bush became “The Decider”, President Lindberg proved that you don’t need to be informed or intelligent to act decisively.

Except Bruce Willis can’t haul our fat out of the fire every time Bush decides we need to “liberate” another country or disregard another article of the Constitution. (Hey, remember the one that guarded against search and seizure without warrant or probably cause? Yeah. That was awesome. Remember?)

2) E.G. Marshall as The President in Superman II

Oh, generic “President” of Superman II. You were a man of such courage, selflessness, and self-sacrifice. Even in the country’s darkest hour, you carried yourself with dignitiy and put the well-being of the citizenry before your own. You were the imaginary, comic book version of what a President should embody.

So, wait a tick. What are you doing on this list?

1) Mel Brooks as President Skroob in Spaceballs

President Skroob and his inner circle of diabolical warmongers attacked a sovereign territory to plunder its natural resources.

Who would have thought that Mel Brooks would produce one of the most prophetic political satires of the last two decades? Not me, man. I was busy laughing at all the dick jokes.

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