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No Big Whoop! Upcoming Geek Movie Titles and Taglines

Fanboys everywhere are spilling more Pepsi and Oreos on their keyboards than usual thanks to the big reveal of the title of the upcoming Indiana Jones movie.

Why the big fuss, Gus? Sure a clever, catchy, or cool title is all well and good, but no amount of clunkiness (Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull) is going to stop the fanboy (and -girl) legions from spending two hours watching a 65-year-old man in a fedora move with the skill and agility of a 55-year-old man. In a fedora.

Would you even consider not seeing the next Bond movie, even if it were, indeed, called Property of a Lady? (Listen, I know that a movie franchise that’s been around for over 45 years is probably running low on suitably-cool-sounding potential titles, but Lord Moses in Heaven, that’s just bad. Just call it Handbag of a Dandy, why don’t you?) No, we’re all going to see it when it comes out, and we’re all going to enjoy its shameless pilfering of gimmicks from lesser, smaller-budgeted action movies.

So why all the hubbub, Bub? If movie names for geek movies are really such a big deal, I figured I’d get the ball rolling with my own names and taglines for upcoming geek movie features and sequels.

  • Lost Boys 2 – The Really Lost Boys. Like Angus Sutherland, Keifer’s long-lost half-brother.
  • Highlander 5 There Can Be Only One. Not counting the other ones.
  • G.I. Joe – A Real American Hero When He’s Not Racking Up Collateral Damage
  • The Departed 2 – Everybody Dies. Again.
  • Terminator 4 – Time traveling cyborgs are a never-ending bitch.
  • Superman Returns Again. Now more lifelike than ever!
  • Underworld 3 – Three times the skintight leather.
  • Cloverfield – The Cryptically Enigmatic Monster Movie of Opaqueness
  • Tron – Journey to the Center of Buy.com
  • Thundercats – Half Man, Half Cat, All CGI
  • Masters of the Universe – I Have the Power! To kick a dead franchise while it’s down.
  • Starship Troopers 3 – Troopers go where audiences won’t venture.
  • Hollow Man 2 – The Story of Kevin Bacon’s Career
  • The Mummy 3 – Bad dialogue can’t keep a good mummy down.

Ok, what have you got?

4 comments… add one
  • nickolai September 11, 2007, 8:59 am

    Star Wars Episode 7: George Lucas Wants your Money
    Finding Nemo 2: What the f*ck is wrong with this fish?
    King of Kong 2: Wiebe’s back and he’s not taking sh*t from no one

    Yeh, I know. It’s early.

  • Great White Snark September 11, 2007, 12:51 pm

    No excuses, those merited a chuckle. Or two.

  • Martin September 12, 2007, 6:14 am

    What, no Lost Boys 2, Electric Boogaloo? I still think the new Indiana Jones movie should be Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Viet Cong.

  • Great White Snark September 12, 2007, 10:40 am

    Martin, I like it. John Rambo could make a cameo.

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