At some point, it wasn’t enough any more to have the greenest lawn in the neighborhood. Instead, the best way to burnish your suburban reputation was to throw a truly obnoxious birthday party for your kid in the backyard.
Around the time my younger brother was still young enough to have birthday parties in the backyard, clowns and balloon animals no longer cut it. First it was pony rides. Then moon bounces. Then donkey shows. Or something. I can’t really remember the actual evolution, but you get the point.
And the madness has escalated to the point of the culture vomit that is MTV’s My Super Sweet Sixteen. Or, as I like to call it, More Evidence That We’ll Find a Way to Wipe Ourselves Out Long Before Global Warming Ever Gets Us.
Fine. If your suburbanite ego needs so badly to lavish demonstrable opulence upon your undeserving child, here are the toys you should check out.
Full-Size Camarasaurus Dinosaur Replica
Who needs a boring, old slide in the yard, when you can slide down the back of a 6-meter tall, 17-meter long dinosaur?
If it’s good enough for Fred Flintstone, it’s good enough for your ungrateful child.
Full-Scale 59 Foot Gundam Robot
There’s only one thing that kids might like more than dinosaurs, and that’s fart jokes. And then, robots.
Assuming you’ve got a spare 60′ x 20′ swatch of land available in your yard, you can be the first one to make your neighbors’ fancy swing-sets and jungle-gyms obsolete with a humongous (reclining) Gundam robot.
Giant Replica Robots
Speaking of robots, why let your kid play with his Transformers and other toys alone in his room–away from the neighbor-parents’ envious eyes–when he can play outside with his giant frigging robot toys.
All little boys enjoy playing “Versus,” whether it’s Transformers vs. Robotech, G.I. Joe vs. Marvel Superheroes, He-Man vs. My Little Pony, G.I.Joe vs. firecrackers that you stick up his ass… whatever. Now Trump Jr. can play vs. Transformers Optimus Prime (2-meter tall statue) and Devastator (4’8″-tall poseable toy). May the best badass robot win.
And throw in , , and for the requisite collateral damage. Because what good is a robot battle without aimless destruction of property.
Life-Size Semi-Poseable Latex Zombies
This one is fun for the whole family. After little Johnny Spoiledpants is done “hunting” zombies with his BB gun outside, mommy and daddy can play a game of Let’s hide Shotgun Zombie (pictured) under Johnny’s covers again. It was so funny last time he got into bed and shit his gold-sateen underpants.
If your kid doesn’t like any of this stuff, maybe you can trick him into standing under the safe in a life-size game of Mousetrap.