Now that I’ve gotten most of the mushy goodness out of my system with the post about the best geek tv hookups, let’s get back to the serious business of taking sarcastic verbal potshots at fictional TV characters who can’t defend themselves.
Sometimes, when there’s an awful accident or a set of tragic circumstances–like a trainwreck… or Britney Spears flashing her panty-less crotch–you can’t help but want to seek out more information: How did this happen? Who was affected? What -the-flying-fig-tree is wrong with Britney Spears? Oh, the humanity!
Ever experience that sensation when you witness the truly-miscalculated romantic coupling of particular characters on your favorite TV show? I do. It’s sad, really. TV is supposed to be escapist fare. If I wanted to be disgusted by the coupling of two annoying human beings, I’d imagine David Beckham holding back Posh’s hair during the “purge” phase of her “binge and purge” cycle, as he reassures her in his laughably pipsqueakish voice.
Buffy and Spike – Buffy The Vampire Slayer
Thanks to this relationship spanning several seasons of Buffy (the later, lamer seasons, I should mention), I have but one indelible image of this couple seared into my brain:
As they’re standing on a balcony Spike takes Buffy from behind (sorry for the cheap euphemism, but the scene really doesn’t deserve better than that…) in what will go on the record as one of the lamest, most-fake-looking sex scenes on TV. I was embarrassed for the actors, and even wondered for a brief moment if either of them had ever actually had sex in real life. It was that bad.
During the “act,” they’re both standing perfectly erect (possible, but not probable), and, oh–by the by–neither of them ever moves an article of clothing out of the way. And that’s not the last time that they simulate sex while fully clothed.
Maybe their sex life was actually based around a lot of dry humping? Check out the Boils and Blinding Torment site for more entertaining analysis of Buffy and Spike’s physics-defying sexcapades.
Meanwhile, enjoy your crappy music video tribute, Spuffy. (The dry-humpalicious moment in question is at 2:00.)
Lex and Lana – Smallville
The problem isn’t just that Lana and Lex started lying to and manipulating each other before they even got married. It’s not even that Lana’s heart so obviously belongs to Clark Kent.
The problem is that Lex’s heart so obviously belongs to Clark Kent. (Enjoy one of almost 200 videos on YouTube about Clex.)
Logan and Parker – Veronica Mars
Sorry, wait a tic, Parker. Are you, by any chance, a charming, petite, and witty teenage detective… last name of Mars?
I didn’t think so! Get yer dirty mitts off of him, you hussy! That’s Veronica Mars’ man! So say the Geek TV Gods!
You can’t just put a secondary, under-developed, flakey-ish character introduced in the third season with the fella who could easily make it onto my Top Five Man-Crushes list and expect that relationship to stick.
No vid for you, Parker! To spite you, I present this picture of Veronica Mars, looking adorable.
Jake and Heather – Jericho
Silly, silly girl. You presumed for even a second to tie down the mighty Jake? When he’s not delivering babies, saving lives, stopping the Plague, turning coal into diamonds, and defending the city of Jericho, he’ll be bedding the hottest blond in town, thankyouverymuch.
Go find yourself a supporting character, missy.
Here’s to Jake and the hot blond, ol’ what’s-her-face.