When someone wishes that they could shoot me into space, I don’t usually take it as a compliment. ‘Cause it’s usually not because they think I deserve a place among the stars.
NASA seems to think differently. (About space. Not about me.) On October 23, space shuttle Discovery will “honor” Luke Skywalker’s original Jedi lightsaber film prop from Return of the Jedi by carrying it into orbit. I appreciate the sentiment, but honor the damn thing in a museum, not in the metaphorical equivalent of a redneck rocket scientist’s front yard.
(Photo: Bonnie Burton/LFL)
The fact is, the space beyond our atmosphere is the World’s Garbage Dump. (Which, yes, makes the International Space Station the junkyard’s front office.)
Some 15,000 pieces of debris, ranging from fingernail-sized paint flecks to 10-ton rocket stages, are hurtling through Earth’s orbit at 5 miles per second — about 10 times as fast as a speeding bullet. And the junk is multiplying, Asteroids-like, as large objects break apart into smaller ones. Scientists warn of an approaching Kessler syndrome: the point at which flotsam from collisions makes future space ventures dangerous.
Great. So, in the not-too-distant future, chartering a ride on Virgin Galactic will have the added excitement of a dangerous game of real-life Frogger, where one wrong turn means getting splattered by a 10-ton piece of discarded rocketry.
So… do you consider a trip to the junkyard to be an honor? What we should really be doing is spitefully sending the stuff we disdain into space. Like Britney Spears’ family tree.
The T-1000 arm fragment from Terminator 2
Picture that image from the Transformers animated movie of Unicron’s scuttled, decapitated robot head, orbiting earth.
What better way to say, “Beware, don’t let this happen to your invading alien robot army!” than with the parts of destroyed, evil robots floating in space? I’m just thinking ahead.
Batman’s Costume from Batman and Robin
Let’s pretend that codpiece never happened, shall we? If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist… If we can’t see it, it doesn’t exist…
The creative geniuses behind TV’s Moonlight
While we’re at it, let’s gather up the creators of Cop Rock, Cavemen, Stacked, and that Urkel show so that they can never again corrupt America’s youth with their shoddy, ill-conceived wares.
Plus, then there’d be more coke and heroin available for all the other junkies who might want it.
“What part of Pokemon? The cartoon? The game? The adorable plush toys?”
Like I said: Pokemon. All of it. I want to launch an entire entertainment media property into space. Everyone wins.
Jar Jar Binks
I met someone from Lucasfilm a couple of weeks ago who told me that everyone… everyone who saw the early script of Phantom Menace thought that Jar Jar Binks was an awful idea. Everyone except George Lucas. Unbelievable.
The only reason I’m not suggesting that we stick George in the next space shuttle launch is that he has a chance to (somewhat) redeem himself with Indiana Jones 4: The one with the lame title I refuse to say.
It’s like the Highlander says (in every sequel, ironically), “There can be only one.” See ya, Transformers poseurs.
Bad Fan Fiction
Bad fan fiction is even more insulting than that 117th “sanctioned and official” book based on the Star Wars canon. If it ain’t yours, don’t muck with it. Witness this abuse of beloved Lord of the Rings characters:
Legolas got up and went into Laura’s room and said”good moring”and then Laura said “good moring too”.Then Legolas said”whats a matter”and then Laura said”Legolas I want to know how to ride a horse”.Then Legolas said”Ok”and then Legolas said”first you get dresses and have something to eat and then we will go for a horse ride lesson”.Mean while Strider and Gandalf was rideing towards where Legolas lived and then Strider said”Gandalf I did not know Legolas had a sister”and then Gandalf said”I did not know aswell”.Mean While at Mondor the dark lord was planing to kidnap the princess but not Legolas.Then the boss of the Orcs came and said”I’ll get her for you sir”and then the Dark lord said”yes you can”.
Ok, I admit it has some entertainment value. But, still.
Suggestions? What would you stuff in a rocket ship destined for a place in the junk-filled stars?