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Real-Life Celebrities Who Should Fight Zombies in Comics and Movies

I tell you what… God hates him some zombies. At least in the realm of comic books.

The Pope and his buddy Jesus have battled zombie hordes in (brilliant) writer Robert Kirkman’s Battle Pope. More recently, thanks to Stephen Lindsay (soon to be appearing here in an interview by yours truly), Jesus continues his zombie-bustin’ adventures in Jesus Hates Zombies. Finally, the production company behind 300 just picked up the rights to comedian Brian Posehn’s The Last Christmas, in which Santa Claus himself saves the world from the undead.

I see this as the early stages of a burgeoning new genre for comic books (and subsequently for movies, of course). A zombie sub-genre in which all kinds of larger-than-life, unexpected characters take up the charge against the brain-eaters.

Why should God’s messengers get to have all the fun?

Bill O’Reilly

Who needs to scrounge for weapons when you can deter and disorient the zombies with bombastic, ill-reasoned diatribes.

Carrot Top

Just how fun would it be to see shemale-ish, prop-comic Carrot Top dragging around a chest full of wacky, cobbled-together zombie-fighting gadgets?

And then see him get eaten? Slowly?

Shaquille O’Neal

…as his character from Kazaam. ‘Nuff said.

Michael Jackson

The perfect double-agent. He can infiltrate the zombie ranks disguised as, well… himself… and then burst their ugly zombie skulls wide open with a high-pitched shriek.

Accompanied by a kick, point, and spin, of course.

UPDATE: I told you he could pass for a zombie.

Vladimir Putin

Not only can the Russian President put his 6th-degree black belt in Judo to good use, but he can also employ his special attack: creating deadly fireballs with a lighter and his vodka-powered belches.

He’s no Boris Yeltsin, but unfortunately Boris is in some cemetery plot somewhere, preparing for his fat, drunk, zombie-rific return.

Paris Hilton

Give Paris about eight tequila shooters and put her behind the wheel of an SUV. Then let’s see how motivated those zombies really are.

Run away, you lifeless bitches! Run away!

Denis Kucinich and his Wife

Do you ever look at them and think that perhaps they’re ready to spring into ninja action at any time? I envision this scenario where she swings him around in a deadly arc like a tiny, flailing, well… a tiny, flailing Denis Kucinich.

5 comments… add one
  • Cindi October 10, 2007, 9:55 am

    If I weren’t laughing so hard, I’d have some suggestions of my own.

  • Nima October 10, 2007, 10:57 am

    Best title for a blog post ever! Hilarious.

  • Paul October 10, 2007, 11:51 am

    Have you seen Carrot Top in the last year or so? That guy is ripped. I believe he’s turned to the roids because he’s bashed so much.

  • Great White Snark October 10, 2007, 12:18 pm

    Hey, Paul, I have… sadly his new buffness has done nothing for his face. Or personality. Or act.

    If anything, it will lend itself pretty well to a zombie-fightin’ action comic.

  • lattegirl January 25, 2008, 11:15 am

    Love love love all the zombie stuff. Hilarious. My new Top Read of the Day for sure (about on par with The Superficial!).

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