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What’s So Very Wrong With This Picture of the New Captain America?

Assuming you don’t just get your news from TMZ.com, you know that Marvel Comics killed off Steve Rogers, the original Captain America, a few months ago in a ploy to get mainstream media attention for about a day-and-a-half. The whole thing was more cheap and dirty than Paris Hilton in a Tijuana donkey show.

Today, Marvel unveiled images of the all-new Captain America, to be introduced in upcoming Captain America issue #34.

Um. He’s shiny.

And the problems don’t stop there. He’s carrying a mother-humpin’ gun, ya’ll!

(Now look what you’ve done, Marvel. I’m talking in my petulant Britney Spears voice.)

The original (and the best) Captain America had a strict no-killing policy. It’s what separated him from being a primary-color-clad version of the Punisher.

Is the new Cap operating sans-scruples, or is he just out to kneecap some bitches? Either way, the Captain America mantle and firearms do. Not. Belong. Together. In fact, this has inspired me to create a list of combinations that just aren’t right, ya’ll.

  • Spider-Man with a tail.
  • Michael Jackson in a bar fight.
  • Smallville with a sense of irony.
  • Bill O’Reilly with a ponytail.
  • The Highlander with a crewcut.
  • Yoda in gang colors.
  • John Kerry with a drawl.
  • Indiana Jones with a lisp.
  • Jack Bauer with unusually low blood pressure.
  • Sony with a jump on Apple.
  • Dick Cheney with a big ol’ cuddly bear hug.
  • Charlize Theron with an oozing lip sore.
  • Bret Ratner with an Oscar.
  • A Terminator with a live, working liver.
  • A nerd with biceps.
  • America with ill-will for Will Smith.
  • Mel Gibson with a yarmulke. (A Jewish beanie. You’re welcome.)
  • Bill Gates with a Mac.
  • Steve Jobs with an uncalculated move.
  • Kanye West with quiet, reflective time.
  • Condi Rice with a Yakuza back tattoo.
  • A Very Special Family Guy
  • Moonlight with a cult fan following. (God, that show sucks so hard.)
  • Optimus Prime with contemporary slang like, “My bad.” Oh…. wait. (Screw you, Michael Bay.)

* Note: This “X-treme!” version of Captain America is exactly what I feared Marvel would produce.

16 comments… add one
  • Paul October 12, 2007, 9:49 am

    If it’s not Steve Rodgers then the person in the costume can do whatever they want with guns. I’m sure he’ll be the tough shooting cap america and then when the real one comes back he’ll put this new guy in his place… kind of like when Batman’s back was broken and the new improved tough batman took over.

  • Shithead October 12, 2007, 10:19 am

    Did you ever play Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker on Sega Genesis? I seem to remember it opens with Michael Jackson fighting his way through … a bar. It also has him transforming into a robot, dance-fighting and “saving” cowering children.

  • Great White Snark October 12, 2007, 11:02 am

    Sigh. You’re probably right, Paul. Cap will probably go all Jason Todd for a while until he returns to original form, in one way or another.

    SH: Excellent point. I loved that frigging game.

  • nickolai October 15, 2007, 10:10 am

    You know, so long as the US upholds capital punishment, I don’t think it’s wrong for the Cap’n to follow suit. Given his moniker, isn’t he supposed to uphold the ideals of the land, no matter how morally tenuous they are?

    I don’t know what ideals stupid costumes and shields fall under though.

  • wcole01 October 15, 2007, 11:45 am

    No, nickolai.. Cap doesn’t have to uphold the morals of the land no matter what. During the Nixon administration he became the Nomad, leaving Captain America behind because he didn’t like what the gov was doing and didn’t like having to “uphold” the values that Nixon & Co. were puting forth. He returned to the red, white & blue, of course. But he did so with the belief that he would fight for what HE believed was best for the country. He continued this creed throughout the Civil War storyline when he fought the government and IronMan and basically the Patriot Act (thought Marvel wouldn’t come right out and say that).

  • Kenny October 15, 2007, 11:48 am

    Bang! Bang! Why not give him a broadsword as well? Think it’ll go better with the shield than a gun.

  • Great White Snark October 15, 2007, 12:15 pm

    wcole01: Excellent point, although I think nickolai was being a bit facetious.

    Kenny: Later perhaps we could replace his hand with a chainsaw, all Evil Dead-style.

  • nickolai October 15, 2007, 2:29 pm

    Thanks for that, wcole — there was a bit of facetiosity in what I said, but clearly I don’t know much about the Cap and I had no idea that Marvel used him so much to comment on real-world politics.

    Hopefully Marvel sees fit to dispatch him to North Korea to kick/shoot/chainsaw/nunchuk some Kim Jong Il ass.

  • Paul October 16, 2007, 10:35 am

    As for the capital punishment thing, that doesn’t work because Cap isn’t an official member of the government, therefore he can’t hand out punishments, he can merely capture or stop bad guys and then hopefully the judicial system can take care of them after that.

    And I’m pro Capital Punishment. Man, I must be the most conservative reader of this blog. hehe

  • Anim8or October 20, 2007, 7:03 am

    Captain with a gun goes against everything that makes him captain america… so lame…Where is Mark Millar when you need him.

  • Paul L. February 3, 2008, 10:12 am

    I’ve felt for YEARS that Capt. America should
    never have been taken out of his original element.
    His adventures should take place during the years
    of WWII. Think about all the potential story lines
    that could be touched on…not just doing battle
    against Nazis and the Red Skull, but perhaps ol’
    Cap not being all too thrilled about being allies
    with the communists, Steve Rogers working with
    the underground or anti-nazi Germans…stuff like that!

  • grayven1 February 5, 2008, 2:50 am

    Captain America is the crystalization of America. Espescially this new one. Bucky is scarred, has done terrible things (though under mind control)is guilt ridden and wants to redeem himself. Cap killed in battle, it was inevitable. He was a soldier and thats what soldiers do in a battle of life or death. You think his shield when thrown only ko’d someone? He is not the Punisher in stars and stripes because the Punisher kills criminals indiscriminately. This new Cap still stands for truth, justice and liberty.

  • Tighelander March 29, 2008, 1:43 am

    I don’t like the new design. Alex Ross is a hellava artist, but this is a weak design. The shape of the flag element made me think of the “Shield” character that MJL had during the 1940’s. Of course when you try to top a design god like Jack Kirby, you set yourself up for failure.

  • Tighelander March 29, 2008, 11:48 am

    At least I won’t have to bitch anymore that he’s being drawn wearing scale mail, and not in chain mail like he should be wearing. Chain mail offers more protection, and is more expensive to make. Being an “A” list character it’s only fitting that he should have chain mail. Second bananas like the 1940’s Blue Beetle wore scale mail.

  • rock n roll April 12, 2008, 5:05 pm

    stever rogers is dead and never coming back unless they do a timeline thing thats why his side kick bucky is taking over and hey he needs the extra protection beacuse he doesn’t have super solider serum lke stev rogers did and i think it looks cool but hey wake up people they actaully did kill steve rogers hes not coming back

  • Great White Snark April 12, 2008, 5:10 pm

    @rock n roll: Oh, no? Have you read a little thing called Secret Invasion?

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