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Advice for Aspiring Writers of the Star Wars Live-Action TV Show

Next week, Senor Jorge Lucas himself is making a pilgrimage to Los Angeles to hunt for writers for his planned live-action Star Wars television series.

I hope he knows that it’s too warm for flannel shirts down there.

This George Lucas was created entirely with CGI. (Photo by joeff)

No annoying head cold is going to keep me from this golden opportunity to take back-handed shots at the guy who sullied perfectly happy childhood memories for thousands of geeks in my generation. So, here goes. My advice for writers who might actually want to land a sub-market-rate job at LucasFilm.

  • Pepper the dialogue with, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” A lot.
  • Find excuses for R2D2 and C3P0 to insinuate themselves into the storyline at inopportune or inappropriate times. A lot. If you’re writing a scene for them and it feels juvenile and pointless… you’re on the right track.
  • Invent even more spectacular magical powes for the Jedi. Laser vision might work. Or pyrokinesis. By no means should you use Vader’s or Luke’s abilities in the original trilogy as a guidepost.
  • Only write scenes for sets that must be created via CGI. Do not plan on the use of actual sets or on-location shoots.
  • Whenever you’re setting a scene, make sure that some random creature is being unruly or is eating something in the foreground.
  • If you can begin to formulate every thought you have as a bad pun, you’re off to a good start.
  • Every good story has romance, but don’t focus too much energy on developing that part of the story; you’ve got epic lightsaber battles to script! Just toss your characters some hackneyed lines like, “I love you so much. No, really. I do.” And perhaps throw together a scene with your lovers frolicking among daffodils. That should cover that.
  • Create an insultingly-lame character with an accent based on the distinctive speaking pattern of a real-life minority group. Just make sure the minority group isn’t big or vocal enough to protest. Like Rastafarians. Or Canadians.
  • Extend Boba Fett’s family tree. (Corollary to this advice: Pander to the fanboys at every opportunity.)
  • Running short on inspiration? Fill up some screen time introducing a new planet or alien race. George loves him some new CGI fodder.

Ok, I know you guys have your two cents. Let’s have it.

7 comments… add one
  • nickolai October 17, 2007, 1:00 pm

    Oh, thought of one. Show every conceivable spacecraft in their take-off and landing procedures.

    Nothing’s more exciting than watching a dood park his space-car.

  • Nathan D October 17, 2007, 9:07 pm

    One word: Noooooooo!

  • Great White Snark October 18, 2007, 1:40 am

    I second that emotion.

  • Anim8or October 20, 2007, 3:16 pm

    This series is supposedly the one that follows the life of Boba-Fette post clone wars, Lucas could use a Jedi ass kicking but I hear there won’t be any in this show… what’s StarWars with no lightsabers and no Jedi? uhm…

    I can actually imagine Lucas making a Starwars character who says “aboot”, and puts an “eh” at the end of every declarative statement. It would work for him, especially if he had big ears, a beer gut, and a pair of man boobs. Call him something like Canuk Beermaker and let him kiss his sister just like Luke did.

  • Great White Snark October 20, 2007, 3:30 pm

    Sadly, I can imagine that very same thing. It’s almost like you’re picking thoughts directly from Lucas’ brain.

  • Anim8or October 28, 2007, 11:12 am

    It’s unfortunate that we can’t get a restraining order.

    1. Respondent George Lucas must stay 100 words away from the childhood of Generation X or Generation Next, while writing any work of fiction.

    2. The Respondent is hereby enjoined from threatening to commit or committing acts of fiction writing set in either the “Indiana Jones” or “Star Wars” universes.

    3. The Respondent is ordered to stay away from the plots, characters, and/or home planets of the characters’ of or related to said universes. The Respondent is further ordered to refrain from any acts of writing in the following medium(s) of entertainment that is/are frequented by the Characters and/or the family, household members, or descendants of said characters: Video Games, Comics, Novels, Television, Film, Stage, Ice Capades and any other means of media conveyance where character existences’ may continue to exist.

    Where is Lawrence Kasdan when you need him?!? He is like the stepmother who saved the kids from their drunken father.

  • Chris from the North January 31, 2008, 4:22 pm

    1.illuminate all interior shots with a million light sources to eliminate all kiddy-frightening shadows and allow all the cool furniture designs your concept artists created after referencing shower faucets and toothpaste caps to be fully visible at all times. Atmosphere is bad. Seeing every possible detail in super high def digital: good.

    2.Annoying creatures/mounts with annoying mating/battle calls should be given ample sceen time to make said noises time and time again.

    3. I wanna be able to count not only the lustrous hairs on yoda’s head, but each dandruff flake on his green scalp. Guess the little guy would be “one with the force” at this point though. Still, no excuses, bring him back and have him say even more complex syntactically challenged sentences.

    4. Chewie/wookies should and must appear randomly, without reason, context or provocation at all points in the plot.

    There should be more, hrm.

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