I hope he knows that it’s too warm for flannel shirts down there.
This George Lucas was created entirely with CGI. (Photo by joeff)
No annoying head cold is going to keep me from this golden opportunity to take back-handed shots at the guy who sullied perfectly happy childhood memories for thousands of geeks in my generation. So, here goes. My advice for writers who might actually want to land a sub-market-rate job at LucasFilm.
- Pepper the dialogue with, “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.” A lot.
- Find excuses for R2D2 and C3P0 to insinuate themselves into the storyline at inopportune or inappropriate times. A lot. If you’re writing a scene for them and it feels juvenile and pointless… you’re on the right track.
- Invent even more spectacular magical powes for the Jedi. Laser vision might work. Or pyrokinesis. By no means should you use Vader’s or Luke’s abilities in the original trilogy as a guidepost.
- Only write scenes for sets that must be created via CGI. Do not plan on the use of actual sets or on-location shoots.
- Whenever you’re setting a scene, make sure that some random creature is being unruly or is eating something in the foreground.
- If you can begin to formulate every thought you have as a bad pun, you’re off to a good start.
- Every good story has romance, but don’t focus too much energy on developing that part of the story; you’ve got epic lightsaber battles to script! Just toss your characters some hackneyed lines like, “I love you so much. No, really. I do.” And perhaps throw together a scene with your lovers frolicking among daffodils. That should cover that.
- Create an insultingly-lame character with an accent based on the distinctive speaking pattern of a real-life minority group. Just make sure the minority group isn’t big or vocal enough to protest. Like Rastafarians. Or Canadians.
- Extend Boba Fett’s family tree. (Corollary to this advice: Pander to the fanboys at every opportunity.)
- Running short on inspiration? Fill up some screen time introducing a new planet or alien race. George loves him some new CGI fodder.
Ok, I know you guys have your two cents. Let’s have it.