≡ Menu

Five Pieces of Advice for the New Writer of Spider-Man 4

Last week, the Hollywood Reporter announced that writer James Vanderbilt will write the next Spider-Man movie. Clearly, the suits at Sony Pictures–sensitive to the criticisms of the over-burdened plot of Spider-Man 3–are pitching Vanderbilt to the media (and thusly to the geek nation) as the Guy Who Wrote Zodiac. And Zodiac, as we all know, is a Perfectly Respectable Movie.

Behold the headlines of publications unwittingly executing Sony’s PR plan:

“Zodiac” scribe to write “Spidey 4” (Reuters)

Zodiac Screenwriter James Vanderbilt Writing Spider-Man 4 (FirstShowing.net)

Spider-Man 4 nets Zodiac writer James Vanderbilt (The List)

Yeah, I’ve got a few bits of advice for the dude who Sony would like you to believe began life with Zodiac.

  • Don’t ever mention to anyone that you also wrote The Rundown (59 out of 100 on Metacritic), Basic (34/100), and Darkness Falls (23/100).
  • More wet t-shirt scenes with Mary Jane. Anything to help us forget those beady little eyes.
  • No more dancing. Great Moon God of Cheese in heaven, please… no more dancing.
  • Give us the Lizard, already. (Wait… that came out wrong.) The last two films have already teased us with appearances of his alter ego, Dr. Curt Connors. Anyway, it’s not like there’s any other major Spidey villains left in the queue. What, the Vulture? Somehow I don’t think an old man with mechanical wings would translate well to the big screen.

 

  • Don’t bring Spider-Man back to his “comic book roots.” We all saw how that worked out for Batman & Robin. Somehow “comic book roots” always turns out to be “cartoony bullshit.” Leave the cartoony bullshit to Britney Spears. (A-a-a-a-and cue the rimshot.)
2 comments… add one
  • Anim8or November 7, 2007, 8:28 pm

    “word on the street” is that villains will be Carnage and Lizard with effects R&D underway at Imageworks. Still no solid word on Toby’s return as far as I know (although it sounds like he is going to do it). I have heard floating rumors that black-cat will make a showing. finally, a villain(?) that necessitates boob jiggle in the effects work! Maybe I’ll have to pack it up and go back to film work after all… After X2 I vowed I would only do shots where I would get to animate a super-model’s boobs again.

    I was so pissed they killed off Venom, he really needed his own movie. Not sure how they do carnage without Venom involved.

    The Rundown was totally underrated. It’s in my “guilty pleasures” DVD library (and no… not the on that lives in the locked trunk at the foot of our bed with the key hidden in Bill Clinton’s autobiography).

  • Great White Snark November 7, 2007, 8:55 pm

    Black Cat would be great… a character who could actually bring some intrigue back to Spidey’s love life, versus the non-entity of Gwen Stacy in the last one. Plus, the tight, black costume action wouldn’t hurt.

    I always thought that Carnage was a pale shadow of Carnage in terms of how interesting the characters are.

    The Rundown is definitely a great catch-it-on-cable movie. Actually, pretty much all of the Rock’s movies are my guilty pleasures. Although he lost me with that recent one about the football player who finds out he has a mischievous and adorable daughter. Vomit.

Leave a Comment