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Six Dragon Movies and Their Celebrity Counterparts

A week ago, it would have been hard for me to imagine circumstances in which I’d actually sit still long enough to watch fantasy film Eragon in its entirety. Well, there’s no further need for imagining. Turns out, those circumstances are: immobilized on my couch for hours on end thanks to a nasty case of tendinitis in my shoulder, with a dearth of palatable options on TV.

As I let the waves of Eragon‘s mediocrity and anti-inflammatory ibuprofen wash over me, I thought back to all the other unremarkable dragon films that Hollywood (and Korea) have produced. By my recollection, there’s never been a truly great dragon film of Spielbergian caliber that combined spectacular effects with a compelling, well-told story. For better or worse, the emphasis has always been on the spectacular effects.

They’re a bit like Hollywood actors in that sense. Fun to look at, but there’s not necessarily anything appealing beneath the surface.


Reminds me of:

Matthew McConaughey


It’s highly-stylized (but doesn’t want you to think that it’s stylized) and is definitely fun for a couple of hours. After you spend some time with it, though, you’re left feeling empty inside.

(I know, I just described Matthew and so very many of his films.)


Reminds me of:

Paris Hilton


It’s fun to watch. Sometimes because it’s flashy and attractive… but mostly because it’s such a trainwreck.


Reminds me of:

Mr. T


It was definitely pretty bad-ass in its time. Which, specifically, was in the1980s. And it hasn’t aged gracefully.


Reminds me of:

Any extras on the original Star Trek.


It’s completely forgettable.


Reminds me of:

Roger Rabbit


Goofy, cartoonish, and a complete embarrassment when held up to today’s standards for animation.


Reminds me of:

Pamela Anderson


Wow, what fun to look at. Check out the, um… special effects. But, please… enough with the lame storyline, already.

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6 comments… add one
  • Nima November 12, 2007, 9:53 am

    Eragon has the best first line of dialogue in a film ever!

    “I suffer without my stone. Do not prolong my suffering.” – Galvatorix

    (It was so awesome I had to write it down.)

  • Paul November 12, 2007, 1:13 pm

    Heh, I own DragonSlayer. The worst thing about it is that the hero doesn’t do a lot. The best thing? When that old king takes credit for slaying the dragon. What a kick in the balls.

    BTW I listen to Adam Carola show a lot and it’s funny that he pointed out a little bit ago that every few years there’s a dragon movie and they never seem to do that well and there really isn’t a demand for them.

    Sorry to hear about your illness man!

  • Great White Snark November 12, 2007, 1:39 pm

    Nima, John Malkovich’s role in the film…starting with that line… makes me wonder how he was ever taken seriously as an actor.

    Paul, I haven’t heard Adam since he left Loveline, but I’m glad to hear that he’s still always right. ;)

  • Nima November 12, 2007, 1:52 pm

    I had a conversation about Malkovich (and Eragon) just last week, and the conclusion my buddy and I came to is that he’s a grossly over rated actor. I think Being John Malkovich had something to do with that.

    Malkovich Malkovich. Malkovich!

  • Anim8or November 13, 2007, 9:11 pm

    one more obvious one for the Pam Anderson – Aragon (which I am surprised you missed)

    “you would be impressed by the large number of famous male actors that managed to get into it”.

  • Great White Snark November 13, 2007, 10:16 pm


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