By Great White Snark | November 20, 2007
Marvel Comics has apparently never heard of the “No takebacks!” rule, first popularized by third-graders in Pokemon card-trading circles, and more recently by President Bush, addressing the American electorate.
(Warning: Potential spoilers ahead on the current Spider-Man One More Day storyline.)
Way back in 1987, Marvel established a comic book milestone when Peter Parker married Mary Jane Watson in Amazing Spider Man Annual #21. Apparently twenty years is long enough for the Well o’ Storyline Ideas to run dry (or–arguably–for Marvel to contort the storyline to the point of no return), because now Marvel wants to take back twenty years of character and plot development so it can start from scratch with one of its marquee characters.
If the rumors are true, during the current One More Day storyline, Mary Jane makes a pact with some super-powered so-and-so to erase from history events including Peter revealing his secret identity to her, and their having a relationship and getting married. Essentially, Mary Jane hits a giant RESET button to send Peter Parker back to his life as a single guy with a secret identity. Old school Spidey.
I won’t even touch the rumor that Mary Jane gets her own set of powers and assumes the identity of “Jackpot.” I won’t touch it, for fear of catching rabies of the brain, or whatever is afflicting the flailing-and-ailing Marvel Universe.
(Hereith endeth the spoilers.)
What a waste of a take-back card. In case anyone anyone was wondering (except for Marvel, of course… it’s tricky to concentrate on wondering when you’ve got a thumbnail tickling your prostate)… here are the geek events I’d like to pretend never happened.
10. Vampire Spike Gets a Soul and Hooks Up with Buffy
I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you produce a TV show about a super-powered dog catcher. And then there’s this one really nasty, wild dog that constantly causes trouble for the dog catcher, including the frequent eating of people. One day, though, the wild, nasty dog decides the dog catcher (who has euthanized many of the dog’s pals) ain’t really so bad after all, so the dog teaches itself to drive just so it can visit the veterinarian’s office three states away to get itself neutered.
And then the dog catcher and the neutered dog have awkward sex.
9. The He-Man: Masters of the Universe Movie Gets Green-Lit. Again.
Does this not strike anyone else as so very, very wrong? On a fundamental level? I’ll only show up if they make it a He-Man vs. Jem vs. G.I. Joe vs. Silverhawks vs. My Little Pony movie.
By the way, when you start hearing announcements of “combination” projects coming out of Hollywood, remember you heard it here, first. And I totally call dibs on the rights to Snorks vs. Smurfs.
8. Michael Bay Selected to Direct Transformers
Listen, the special effects were great. It’s just that I have a hard time seeing anything when I grimace… which I do a lot at the dialogue and plot developments and Velveeta cheese of Michael Bay movies.
7. Tobey Maguire Dances in Spider-Man 3
The muddled plot wasn’t enough? You had to abuse our eyes with images of Tobey going all Saturday Night Fever?
In other news, Marvel Comics gives a f*#%-all about its characters.
5. Lana Lang Resurrected on Smallville
The seventeen other remaining viewers of Smallville and I cheered at the end of last season when Lana Lame appeared to have died in a fiery car explosion.
Us: We saw her get into the car! We saw the charred remains! Hooray!
The CW Network: You think we’d discard one of our preternaturally pretty CW actresses like that? It was a clone in the explosion, people! A clone! Duh!
4. Most of the Third Season of Battlestar Galactica
If I wanted to watch frigging Court TV in Space, then I’d… well, no. I’d never, ever want to watch Court TV in Space.
3. Half of the New Genre TV Shows for Fall 2007 Getting Green-Lit
“It’s the TV season of the geek!” Or so they told us. We had a whole slate of geeky TV shows to look forward to, and I managed to waste what adds up to about three days during the last two months giving these mediocre-to-bad shows a chance. I’m looking at you, Chuck, Bionic Woman, Moonlight, Heroes, and Pushing Daisies. Thank goodness I had the sense not to bother with Journeyman.
I can’t wait for Jericho and The Sarah Connor Chronicles to arrive and make it all better.
2. Furries Conventions
Ruht-roh, Shaggy. Is anyone else concerned that there are enough ardent Furries in the world to merit a convention? …let alone several conventions?
I kid, Furries, I kid. Mostly. Now excuse me while I make one of those half-hearted laughs that turns into tears.
1. The Star Wars Prequels
Rather than explicate the litany of reasons I wish the prequels had never happened, I’ll let you read the volumes that I’m filling with my burning, silent glare.
Did you get that? Good.