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No Takebacks! The Top 10 Geek Events I Wish Never Happened

Marvel Comics has apparently never heard of the “No takebacks!” rule, first popularized by third-graders in Pokemon card-trading circles, and more recently by President Bush, addressing the American electorate.

(Warning: Potential spoilers ahead on the current Spider-Man One More Day storyline.)

Way back in 1987, Marvel established a comic book milestone when Peter Parker married Mary Jane Watson in Amazing Spider Man Annual #21. Apparently twenty years is long enough for the Well o’ Storyline Ideas to run dry (or–arguably–for Marvel to contort the storyline to the point of no return), because now Marvel wants to take back twenty years of character and plot development so it can start from scratch with one of its marquee characters.

If the rumors are true, during the current One More Day storyline, Mary Jane makes a pact with some super-powered so-and-so to erase from history events including Peter revealing his secret identity to her, and their having a relationship and getting married. Essentially, Mary Jane hits a giant RESET button to send Peter Parker back to his life as a single guy with a secret identity. Old school Spidey.

I won’t even touch the rumor that Mary Jane gets her own set of powers and assumes the identity of “Jackpot.” I won’t touch it, for fear of catching rabies of the brain, or whatever is afflicting the flailing-and-ailing Marvel Universe.

(Hereith endeth the spoilers.)

What a waste of a take-back card. In case anyone anyone was wondering (except for Marvel, of course… it’s tricky to concentrate on wondering when you’ve got a thumbnail tickling your prostate)… here are the geek events I’d like to pretend never happened.

10. Vampire Spike Gets a Soul and Hooks Up with Buffy


I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you produce a TV show about a super-powered dog catcher. And then there’s this one really nasty, wild dog that constantly causes trouble for the dog catcher, including the frequent eating of people. One day, though, the wild, nasty dog decides the dog catcher (who has euthanized many of the dog’s pals) ain’t really so bad after all, so the dog teaches itself to drive just so it can visit the veterinarian’s office three states away to get itself neutered.

And then the dog catcher and the neutered dog have awkward sex.

9. The He-Man: Masters of the Universe Movie Gets Green-Lit. Again.

Does this not strike anyone else as so very, very wrong? On a fundamental level? I’ll only show up if they make it a He-Man vs. Jem vs. G.I. Joe vs. Silverhawks vs. My Little Pony movie.

By the way, when you start hearing announcements of “combination” projects coming out of Hollywood, remember you heard it here, first. And I totally call dibs on the rights to Snorks vs. Smurfs.

8. Michael Bay Selected to Direct Transformers

Listen, the special effects were great. It’s just that I have a hard time seeing anything when I grimace… which I do a lot at the dialogue and plot developments and Velveeta cheese of Michael Bay movies.

A lot.

7. Tobey Maguire Dances in Spider-Man 3

The muddled plot wasn’t enough? You had to abuse our eyes with images of Tobey going all Saturday Night Fever?

6. The New Captain America Gets a Gun

In other news, Marvel Comics gives a f*#%-all about its characters.

5. Lana Lang Resurrected on Smallville

The seventeen other remaining viewers of Smallville and I cheered at the end of last season when Lana Lame appeared to have died in a fiery car explosion.

Us: We saw her get into the car! We saw the charred remains! Hooray!

The CW Network: You think we’d discard one of our preternaturally pretty CW actresses like that? It was a clone in the explosion, people! A clone! Duh!

Us: N-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

4. Most of the Third Season of Battlestar Galactica

If I wanted to watch frigging Court TV in Space, then I’d… well, no. I’d never, ever want to watch Court TV in Space.

3. Half of the New Genre TV Shows for Fall 2007 Getting Green-Lit

“It’s the TV season of the geek!” Or so they told us. We had a whole slate of geeky TV shows to look forward to, and I managed to waste what adds up to about three days during the last two months giving these mediocre-to-bad shows a chance. I’m looking at you, Chuck, Bionic Woman, Moonlight, Heroes, and Pushing Daisies. Thank goodness I had the sense not to bother with Journeyman.

I can’t wait for Jericho and The Sarah Connor Chronicles to arrive and make it all better.

2. Furries Conventions

Ruht-roh, Shaggy. Is anyone else concerned that there are enough ardent Furries in the world to merit a convention? …let alone several conventions?

I kid, Furries, I kid. Mostly. Now excuse me while I make one of those half-hearted laughs that turns into tears.

1. The Star Wars Prequels
Rather than explicate the litany of reasons I wish the prequels had never happened, I’ll let you read the volumes that I’m filling with my burning, silent glare.


Did you get that? Good.

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12 comments… add one
  • Nathan D November 20, 2007, 10:16 am

    I have taken to never watching a show while it’s actually on air — been too often disappointed when the crap remains and the stuff I actually like dies an untimely death. Besides, taking in a show from beginning to end in a week or two is more fun. Wait For DVD, I say.

  • Paul November 20, 2007, 10:56 am

    My problem with BSG was more with all the stupid love affair crap and some of the Baltar magic shit. The trial was really awesome in comparison to that BS.

  • Great White Snark November 20, 2007, 11:58 am

    Paul, there was so much wrong with BSG S3, I think I’ve subconsciously pushed that trauma from my memory. Nathan, feel free to skip over that season on DVD.

  • Karen November 20, 2007, 2:46 pm

    Hey GWS! I gave you an award on my site, I thought I had pinged you but since I don’t really know what the hell I’m doing, I probably didn’t. Duh? You guys need to come and read the thing about the EntreCard too! Like blogrush but sooooooo much more fun! Link on my site for that too. Love the post.

  • Karen November 20, 2007, 4:18 pm

    Digg continues to diss me. Could they have discovered the horrible truth?

  • Ari November 20, 2007, 5:32 pm

    That’s a really cute picture of Spike and Buffy. Maybe you shouldn’t be putting up a pic of them looking all pretty and smiling together when you’re trying to make a case against them.

  • Great White Snark November 20, 2007, 5:39 pm

    Karen: Thanks for the kind shout-out, yo! I’ll check out EntreCard, although that sounds suspiciously French.

    Ari, they do look cute, don’t they? That’s what’s so very wrong with the picture. Spike used to be the Big Bad! Now look at him. Disgusting.

  • Kelson November 21, 2007, 1:04 am

    Hmm, I’m not sure a photo from an episode where Spike and Buffy are essentially mind-controlled into acting out of character for an hour (the one where Willow’s every casual comment has the force of an instantly-granted wish) is the best depiction of what happened to Spike in later seasons. There was *nothing* cute about that arc, though I’ll agree with you that it ripped out the core of what made Spike interesting and turned him into a watered-down version of Angel with a British accent.

    (Yes, I recognized the episode. I’m such a geek.)

  • Great White Snark November 21, 2007, 1:32 am

    Wow, Kelson. Wow. I had picked the picture purely for its (annoying) aesthetics, not even considering the context. You know, even if I had thought about it, I probably wouldn’t have been able to figure out which story arc that came from. Cheers.

  • Michael November 27, 2007, 10:10 am

    I agree with everything but the smack talk against Pushing Daises…and the idea that Sarah Conner Chronicles is going to save anything…that show is terrible…(and yes, I have seen it.)


  • Great White Snark November 27, 2007, 6:11 pm

    Michael, I briefly struggled with the decision to include Pushing Daisies. I really wanted to like it, especially after the hype from sources I generally trust, but I don’t find myself looking forward to it as much as I look forward to other shows like Reaper, or even Life!

    And I saw the Sarah Connor pilot, too, and I liked it. Of course, I’m perfectly well-aware that I might end up eating my words, and I even caveated my excitement for the show a couple of months back in another post:


    In fact, now that I look back at that post, my predictions about this season’s new shows seem strikingly prescient. :)

  • Judy January 8, 2008, 7:38 am

    I loved the shows “What About Brian” and “Journeyman”. I often taped the shows and watched them later because I was busy with my kids. I can’t believe they both went off the air. The show “What About Brian” reminded me of “Thirty Something” and “Journeyman” well it was just a good plot to stories each week. I Would love to see them come back!

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