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5) The Prom from Can’t Buy Me Love

Patrick Dempsey is an awkward nightmare in this scene. Every dorky thing about him makes me hope that his character on Gray’s Anatomy gets struck infertile by errant Angst and Drama.

That said… the 1980s don’t get enough credit for originating teen films with the distinctive formula of an ugly-duckling-turned-swan plot supported by a synchronized dance routine in the pivotal prom scene. Without that formula, Rachel Leigh Cook’s five-minute-long career would be nothing.

4) The Prom from Teen Wolf

Too bad, Mr. Teen Wolf, that your special werewolf powers of ’strength’, ‘acrobatic skills’, and ‘playing high school basketball really well’ weren’t accompanied by ‘an ability to avoid completely unimaginative dance routines’. If you were a teen vampire at prom, you’d try to pass off baring your fangs and flapping your arms like a bat as happenin’ dance floor moves.

When you make those playful little clawing gestures at your friend Boof, I want to put a leash on you and hit you on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Preferably the Sunday edition of The New York Times.

And no, you don’t get any slack for whipping out the Flashdance bit at the end of the clip. Nobody likes a flamboyant teen werewolf, ok?

The only redeeming quality of this scene comes from the unintelligible robotic voice in the music track. It makes me want to remix Rihanna’s recent craptacular single Umbrella with a robotic voice and dance to it in pegged pants and a Jams shirt.

(P.S. Oh, and… Rihanna? “Umbrella” has three syllables, honey. Not four. Thanks for your continuing the efforts to dumb down the youth of America. That is all.)

3) Mr. Fantastic at the Dance Club in Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Oh, sorry, I was looking for Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four. I instead seem to have stumbled upon Mr. Magorium having a typical Saturday night in the Wonder Emporium. On stupid pills.

I wonder if the producers kept mirrors off of the set of Fantastic Four 2. You know… so that the actors didn’t have to face themselves after filming shit like this.

2) The Jazz Club Scene in Spider-Man 3

Somebody better check Sam Raimi for head trauma, because there’s no other reasonable explanation for his having told Tobey Maguire to film this scene.

What’s with Tobey throwing his arms up in the air and whipping off his jacket? Is he a bullfighter? A spindly, squeaky-voiced, emo bullfighter? ‘Cause he’s got all the verve and sex appeal of a Goth kid that’s been shoved into the pool by the school jock.

When Tobey swings his hips, it gives me motion sickness. And then… herpes of the eyes.

1) Tobey’s Saturday Night Fever in Spider-Man 3

Those are the deadliest finger guns captured on film. They killed any chance of unbridled enjoyment of Spider-Man 3.

For most Americans, this scene evokes emotions that are more often associated with the process of getting to know our President. Astonishment initially produces laughter and derision, which quickly turn to anger and an overwhelming feeling that you want your money back.

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