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Great White Snark’s Completely Impractical Holiday Gift Guide for Geeks

It’s tough to navigate your way around the blogosphere these days without bumping your pale, tender noggin against a Holiday Gift Guide. Or, as we in the biz refer to it: a shameless ploy to convince blog readers to fill up the coffers of your Amazon Affiliates account with their hard-earned, holiday-budgeted dollar billz.

(There’s a lot of inappropriate use of the letter “Z” in the biz. Don’t ask me why, because I haven’t bothered looking into it.)

No such shameless ployery, here! I’m offering you this list of what I guarantee are mind-blowing (or at least mind-teetering) gifts for geeks, and I stand to make exactly zero-point-zilch dollars off of your purchases.

The flip side of this shiny dime is that there is zero-point-pi percent of a chance that you are wealthy or resourceful enough to procure or produce any of these gifts.

But it doesn’t hurt to dream. Unless you enjoy sleepwalking into oncoming traffic.

Happy Holidays.

5) Giant Optimus Prime Costume

Brace yourself: it doesn’t actually transform, as some other, more-diminutive Transformers costumes do. For what it lacks in… um, transforming… this 10-foot-tall costume more than makes up with detail and hugeness.

To check out the three-minute process of cladding some geek in an Optimus Prime suit, watch the following video (embedded in the post):

If you don’t see the potential for joy that can be derived from shuffling down the street in a giant robot suit, then might I suggest you’re in the wrong place. I’m sure Etsy has some lovely yarn-and-sequin-based gift ideas for you.

4) $60,000 Camera Watch

There’s nothing that puffs up a geek’s chest more than knowing that the specs of his latest toy out-spec the specs of everybody else’s toys. That’s why NVIDIA GeForce 8800GTX 768MB 384-bit GDDR3 PCI Express x16 HDCP Ready SLI Supported is gibberish to most of the English-speaking population, and says “nirvana!” to computer-building tech geeks.

Photographers are a bunch of specs-driven geeks, too. With this camera-watch, a geek can claim specifications superiority:

Oh, what’s that? You got a new Carl Zeiss lens for you DSLR? Hey, good for you. Guess what? I’ve got a new camera. It’s here in my watch. It’s a one-of-a-kind Kilfitt UKA 659, made in 1969 by the renowned optician Heinz Kilfitt. It has a 1.3mm-10.5mm lens, shutter speed from 1/15 sec to 1/1,000 sec, and it uses a custom film disc. It cost me almost sixty grand on Ebay, and it looks like something James-frigging-Bond would wear! But, hey, your camera’s nice, too… I guess.

3) Laser Gunship

Yeah, you read that right. Just before the image of the exploding popcorn-house from 1985’s Real Genius popped into your head.

This month, Boeing stuck a 12,000-pound laser in a rotating turret on the belly of a C-130 Hercules (a big-ass military cargo plane). Next year, it will demonstrate the power of this fully-armed and operational battle station! *

Sorry. Got a little carried away, there.

Mom. If you really love me… you won’t make me wait until next year to play with a laser gunship. Don’t make me whine. You know I’ll do it, and do it well.

2) Jet Pack

Guess what. The future is now. So expect to order your next Thanksgiving dinner from a Star Trek-style replicator and consume it in pill form. Right before you jump in your flying car to go to 7-Eleven to buy a lottery ticket to hopefully finance your ridiculous, futuristic lifestyle.

This holiday season, give the gift of a pre-order for a Jet Pack T-73 from Jetpack International. The T-73 has a range of 27 miles and can fly in excess of 80 mph. I think the $200,000 asking price is perfectly reasonable, especially considering it includes the cost of lessons on how not to get yourself caught in power lines.

Check out the demonstration video (embedded in the post):

1) The Jesus Phone

It’s an iPhone… that’s been blessed by the Lord with the complete set of features that every geek needs. Needs, I tell you!

  • 3G broadband internet speeds.
  • Unlocked to any mobile provider.
  • GPS 3-dimensional mapping.
  • Voice activation.
  • Touchscreen tactile feedback.
  • Wide-open to 3rd-party developers.
  • Crash-proof.
  • VOIP-enabled.
  • Slingbox compatible.
  • Flash-enabled browsing.
  • Controls home theaters and garage doors.
  • Sings you to sleep at night.
  • Two phaser settings: “Stun” and “Kill”
5 comments… add one
  • Nima December 17, 2007, 10:06 pm

    The Optimus Prime costume is freakin’ spectacular!!! Great find.

  • Great White Snark December 17, 2007, 10:08 pm

    Thanks, yo. I personally like the idea of flying around in a jetpack-powered Optimus costume outfitted with a 12,000-pound laser, camera watch, and Jesus phone.

  • nickolai December 18, 2007, 11:53 am

    Good lord! I need to re-write my letter to santa.

    How do jetpack-pilots not toast their calves and ankles?

  • anim8or December 19, 2007, 7:27 am

    the Jesus phone has “a tone” for your sins as well… bad-dum-pschhhhh

    I would prefer the flying spaghetti monster phone that only speaks in pirate (bless it’s noodly appendages, in his name we pray, and eat carbs).

  • Paul December 19, 2007, 10:41 am

    I know it’s not the same as a plane with a laser on it, but in Call of Duty 4 there’s a level where you shoot a giant gun out of the same plane. It’s awesome. I can only imagine how cool shooting a laser like that would be.

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