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Aeon Flux vs. Ultraviolet - Battle of the Redundant Geek Movies
By Great White Snark | December 30, 2007
Don’t get me started on the forthcoming Street Fighter movie. Which is being produced concurrently with a Tekken movie. Ahead of yet another Mortal Kombat movie.
I know this sounds like the start of a rant, but seriously… don’t get me started. Where an entertaining blog post will eventually form in my mind, there is currently one of those swirling balls of dust from a Road Runner cartoon that has random appendages shooting out of it. Grr.
In the meantime, let’s take a look at another exercise in excessively lame and redundant movie-making: the freak-show-mirror-image films Aeon Flux and Ultraviolet.
Both films feature tall, skinny supermodels with preternatural combat skills. These two stone-faced ladies shoulder noble, against-the-odds campaigns against the corrupt leaders of their respective governments in glossy, artificial-looking futuristic societies. And they both kill hordes of Bad Guys in the most highly-choreographed, acrobatic, stylized, sexy, and ridiculous possible ways, with the aid of wacky futuristic weapons.
So which of these two me-too films is just a little less insulting to the senses?
1) Aeon Flux pissed on a perfectly good cult franchise, while Ultraviolet didn’t piss on anything but itself.
Which is fine, because Ultraviolet is a toilet bowl of a movie.
ADVANTAGE: Ultraviolet
2) Charlize Theron is the Sexiest Woman Alive. Milla Jovavich is not.
Plus, Charlize sports more tight leather outfits in her movie.
ADVANTAGE: Aeon Flux
3) The collective reviews of Aeon Flux gave it a score of 36 out of 100 on Metacritic. Ultraviolet got an 18.
That makes Ultraviolet exactly half the crappy movie of Aeon Flux.
ADVANTAGE: Aeon Flux
4) Your average Joe Shmoe has actually heard of Aeon Flux.
Neither Dennis Kucinich nor Mike Gravel has a good shot at the Democratic Party nomination, but at least people know Kucinich’s name. Ultraviolet is the Mike Gravel of crappy, futuristic, sexy-lady-assassin movies.
ADVANTAGE: Aeon Flux
5) Every scene in Ultraviolet looks like it was treated by an airbrush the size of a fire hose.
At least Aeon Flux had the courtesy to present its artificial-looking environments in a clear, sharp picture.
ADVANTAGE: Aeon Flux
6) Aeon Flux sullied the good name of actor Frances McDormand.
Meanwhile, almost no actor who appeared in Ultraviolet actually matters.
What? That stoic kid from X-Men 3: The Last Stand? Nah, his career’s death rattle started with Birth and Running Scared.
ADVANTAGE: Ultraviolet
Well, that settles it. Between two very similar movies that are both quite difficult to choke down, Aeon Flux is marginally more palatable.
WINNER: Aeon Flux
The producers must be so proud.
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Topics: Movies |
December 30th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
Mmmmm, palatable margarine
December 31st, 2007 at 1:47 am
I gave Ultraviolet a chance, but it was.. el terrible. Aeon Flux was at least watchable, for the most part. There are scenes in Ultraviolet that seem to suck endlessly, in some sort of black hole suckiness loop.
December 31st, 2007 at 7:15 am
I still think the Matrix sequels still take the cake for destroying the genre and being the most horrible caricature of itself in the history of film.
These copycat films were really really horrible, don’t get me wrong… but nothing is more insulting (and reminiscent of Lucas’ pissing on my childhood) than other people who forget what made their original film brilliant, doing a horrifying sequel that wreaks of fanboy writing, and focuses on nothing but flashy fight scenes, effects, and action sequences that take a film no where…. (Unless you are Michael Bay because that is what people expect you to do)
December 31st, 2007 at 1:06 pm
I think Ultraviolet may have raped me.
You should do more head-to-heads like this. You know, as a public service.
December 31st, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Nicholas, I know… Ultraviolet is absolutely cringe-worthy. You immediately wonder if anyone involved in the production was smart enough to be embarrassed.
Anim8tor, agreed, the Matrix sequels are a horrible insult, although I’d consider them more ‘a tragic devolvement of a perfect piece of filmmaking’ than ‘redundant’. Just to be nitpicky.
Nima, ask and ye shall receive. (But in a way that sounds less English and douchey.)
December 31st, 2007 at 2:44 pm
I’ve seen both, wouldn’t recommend either but love them both secretly. It’s a weakness. I
December 31st, 2007 at 2:46 pm
I “heart” crappy movies.
January 2nd, 2008 at 11:45 am
So glad I missed these. I’ll skip any movie featuring Milla “gosh-I-didn’t-know-I-was-pregnant-I -just-thought-I-was-getting-fat” Jovavich. Ditz.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:37 pm
There have been so many mirror image…’didn’t that already come out?’ kind of movies.
Armageddon / Deep Impact, A Bugs Life / Antz, Wyatt Earp / Tombstone, Dante’s Peak / Volcano…just to name a few.
What’s up with that? Are there that few idea’s left in Hollywood or is it more of a ‘I can get mine out before you can’ kind of competition?
January 4th, 2008 at 11:49 pm
There have indeed been plenty of these mirror-image movies, Jimmy, and I’ll address (skewer?) them in upcoming “Battle of the Redundant Geek Movies” posts.
January 4th, 2008 at 11:53 pm
Lookin forward to it my friend!