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Top Five Celebrities Likely to be Mistaken for Zombies

In honor of tomorrow’s post, which will feature a lively, entertaining, and fully-sacrilegious interview with Stephen Lindsay, writer/creator of the Jesus Hates Zombies anthology, I present this guide to helping you avoid mistakenly bludgeoning a hapless–and likely drunk, knowing this bunch–celebrity during the next zombie outbreak.

Zombie Stock Broker

As you very well know after studying your zombie survival guide, you can identify a zombie by the following characteristics:

  • Unhealthy, unkempt hair.
  • Pale, sallow skin.
  • Eyes that are sunken and dull (Romero-esque) or inflamed and insane (Boyle-esque).
  • Guttural, incoherent groaning and mumbling.
  • A shuffling gait.
  • A demonstrated need for brains.
  • An odor of death.

Easy to see, then, how one could mistake any of the following famous folks for the walking dead.

5) NICK NOLTE

Nick Nolte

I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Nick Nolte on an average day (i.e., soiled, shoeless, and three sheets to the wind), but it’d be easy to take him for an animated corpse that had just woken up after three weeks buried under a pile of dirt.

4) AMY WINEHOUSE

Amy Winehouse

Ms. Winehouse seems to revel in her drug-laced lifestyle. Too bad she neglected to consider one little thing: crack heads look a lot like the undead. Smelly, shambling, annoying undead.

I bet she won’t be so proud of her habits when well-intentioned, shotgun-toting vigilantes are after her and her zombie-ish buddies. I got your “rehab” right here, sweetheart.

3) GARY BUSEY

Gary Busey

On second thought, if you see Gary Busey ambling towards you during a zombie outbreak, you might want to just go ahead and take him out with whatever undead-smashing tool is handy.

Just to be on the safe side. That dude is nutter-butter.

2) DON IMUS

Don Imus

Wait. He’s not actually a zombie, right?

Hold on a sec while I check Wikipedia…

1) STROM THURMOND

Strom Thurmond

Ha, ha, just kidding. If you see Strom Thurmond around, he’s definitely a zombie. Go ahead and form a biracial mob to lynch his cadaverous ass.

Not that he’ll appreciate the irony any more in death than he would have in life, but still. It’s the thought that counts.

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9 comments… add one
  • Jason - GorillaSushi January 7, 2008, 11:44 am

    These 5 should get together and make a feel-good buddy movie.

  • Cindi January 7, 2008, 12:40 pm

    Great picks. Britney Spears is well on her way to joining this list.

  • Great White Snark January 7, 2008, 1:53 pm

    Jason, you can’t just suggest something like that and not come up with a working title…

  • Nima January 7, 2008, 3:11 pm

    Dick Cheney. He is the damned.

  • Jason - GorillaSushi January 7, 2008, 3:22 pm

    “Singing in the BRAINS”? No, that doesn’t eve make sense.

  • Great White Snark January 7, 2008, 3:51 pm

    Nima: The Dick was briefly a contender for one of these spots.

    Jason: I like it. At least it has a ring to it.

  • Stephen Lindsay January 8, 2008, 12:31 pm

    I’d call it “Skin Bagz: A Musical Love Story… With Brains!” The ‘Z’ in ‘Bagz’ makes it hip and edgy.

  • Penelope September 18, 2009, 8:21 am

    I think for the last 10 years of Strom Thurmond’s life, he really was just a reanimated corpse.

  • Mike celeb smiles January 19, 2010, 1:43 am

    I think that Gary Busey is actually a zombie, that guy is werid

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