In honor of tomorrow’s post, which will feature a lively, entertaining, and fully-sacrilegious interview with Stephen Lindsay, writer/creator of the Jesus Hates Zombies anthology, I present this guide to helping you avoid mistakenly bludgeoning a hapless–and likely drunk, knowing this bunch–celebrity during the next zombie outbreak.
As you very well know after studying your zombie survival guide, you can identify a zombie by the following characteristics:
- Unhealthy, unkempt hair.
- Pale, sallow skin.
- Eyes that are sunken and dull (Romero-esque) or inflamed and insane (Boyle-esque).
- Guttural, incoherent groaning and mumbling.
- A shuffling gait.
- A demonstrated need for brains.
- An odor of death.
Easy to see, then, how one could mistake any of the following famous folks for the walking dead.
5) NICK NOLTE
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Nick Nolte on an average day (i.e., soiled, shoeless, and three sheets to the wind), but it’d be easy to take him for an animated corpse that had just woken up after three weeks buried under a pile of dirt.
4) AMY WINEHOUSE
Ms. Winehouse seems to revel in her drug-laced lifestyle. Too bad she neglected to consider one little thing: crack heads look a lot like the undead. Smelly, shambling, annoying undead.
I bet she won’t be so proud of her habits when well-intentioned, shotgun-toting vigilantes are after her and her zombie-ish buddies. I got your “rehab” right here, sweetheart.
3) GARY BUSEY
On second thought, if you see Gary Busey ambling towards you during a zombie outbreak, you might want to just go ahead and take him out with whatever undead-smashing tool is handy.
Just to be on the safe side. That dude is nutter-butter.
2) DON IMUS
Wait. He’s not actually a zombie, right?
Hold on a sec while I check Wikipedia…
1) STROM THURMOND
Ha, ha, just kidding. If you see Strom Thurmond around, he’s definitely a zombie. Go ahead and form a biracial mob to lynch his cadaverous ass.
Not that he’ll appreciate the irony any more in death than he would have in life, but still. It’s the thought that counts.