Legions of fans of Joss Whedon’s short-lived TV series Firefly begged and pleaded for it, and now they’ve got it.
What is “it,” exactly? Well, a chance for Browncoats to pretend that they’re contemporaries of the fictional Capt. Mal Reynolds ‘n crew, without the hassle of dressing up in sci-fi-western garb for a themed convention or sea cruise.
Indeed, the recently-announced massively multiplayer online game adaption of the Firefly universe offers hardcore fans so very many things to look forward to.
And I don’t just mean another excuse to stare at pretty, pretty images on a glowing screen. (Although that’s a definite plus for this crowd. Myself included. I do so love the tube of boob.)
10) Make loud exclamations in nonsense Chinese, much like a boisterous five-year-old mimicking a new language.
Supposedly everyone speaks Chinese in the future. You know what else happens in the future? Ignorance gets even funnier.
9) Get in a knife fight with bruiser Jayne Cobb.
Because you don’t want to have a conversation with your other Browncoat buddies that starts, “Man, I had such an awesome chit-chat with Jayne today in the Firefly online game!”
8) Engineer your very own human weapon, a la River Tam.
The beauty of River is that she’s so unassuming; no one suspects that a delicate-looking, young dancer is the consummate death dealer.
That’s why I’d engineer my super-assassin out of a dirty, 10-year-old, Thai factory worker. He’d shuffle along behind me until I wanted him to spring into ass-kicking action, which I’d activate with the code word, “rutabaga.”
7) Taunt the hapless Alliance soldiers.
Mock their silly, blue berets with your most sarcastic French accent.
6) Figure out what the hell sketchy stuff Shepherd Book was up to before he became a preacher.
I mean, seriously, Joss. You tease it throughout the TV series and then tease it some more in the movie. Throw us a little bone called “resolution,” would’ja?
5) Engage in witty banter with Mal Reynolds.
You’d have as much chance in that battle of wits as you’d have climbing inside an operating clothes dryer to fight an angry raccoon, but it’d sure be something to tell the kiddie’s about.
4) Kick a baddie into a spaceship’s running engine turbines.
They make it look so fun on the show, don’t they? Just make sure you’re cool about it. You can’t go kicking people into jet engines all willy-nilly, lest you look like a tool.
You have to be all, “Oh, before I let you extort something from me, Mr. Bad Guy, I just thought of something.”
Then they say, “What?”
And then you kick them into the engine.
Yeah. I totally know how to be cool.
3) Force uber-mechanic Kaylee to build you a sweet-ass ship.
She’s pretty easily intimidated… I bet you could pull it off. I know it’s callous, but, what… you would spend your hard-earned, futuristic space dollars?
2) Hire professional “Companion” Inara Serra for a sensual night of, um… conversation.
She goes both ways, people. That means expensive, certified-germ-free fun for everyone. Giddyup.
1) Give pilot Wash a hug goodbye.
[SPOILER, for you kanuckle-heads who haven’t seen Serenity, yet.]
Don’t look at me like that. He dies, people. Dies. Heroically. So, yeah, I’d hug him.
In a manly-type fashion.