≡ Menu

The Top Ten Things to Do in the Upcoming Firefly Online Game

Legions of fans of Joss Whedon’s short-lived TV series Firefly begged and pleaded for it, and now they’ve got it.

What is “it,” exactly? Well, a chance for Browncoats to pretend that they’re contemporaries of the fictional Capt. Mal Reynolds ‘n crew, without the hassle of dressing up in sci-fi-western garb for a themed convention or sea cruise.

Indeed, the recently-announced massively multiplayer online game adaption of the Firefly universe offers hardcore fans so very many things to look forward to.

And I don’t just mean another excuse to stare at pretty, pretty images on a glowing screen. (Although that’s a definite plus for this crowd. Myself included. I do so love the tube of boob.)

10) Make loud exclamations in nonsense Chinese, much like a boisterous five-year-old mimicking a new language.

Supposedly everyone speaks Chinese in the future. You know what else happens in the future? Ignorance gets even funnier.

9) Get in a knife fight with bruiser Jayne Cobb.

Because you don’t want to have a conversation with your other Browncoat buddies that starts, “Man, I had such an awesome chit-chat with Jayne today in the Firefly online game!”

8) Engineer your very own human weapon, a la River Tam.

The beauty of River is that she’s so unassuming; no one suspects that a delicate-looking, young dancer is the consummate death dealer.

That’s why I’d engineer my super-assassin out of a dirty, 10-year-old, Thai factory worker. He’d shuffle along behind me until I wanted him to spring into ass-kicking action, which I’d activate with the code word, “rutabaga.”

7) Taunt the hapless Alliance soldiers.

Mock their silly, blue berets with your most sarcastic French accent.

6) Figure out what the hell sketchy stuff Shepherd Book was up to before he became a preacher.

I mean, seriously, Joss. You tease it throughout the TV series and then tease it some more in the movie. Throw us a little bone called “resolution,” would’ja?

5) Engage in witty banter with Mal Reynolds.

You’d have as much chance in that battle of wits as you’d have climbing inside an operating clothes dryer to fight an angry raccoon, but it’d sure be something to tell the kiddie’s about.

4) Kick a baddie into a spaceship’s running engine turbines.

They make it look so fun on the show, don’t they? Just make sure you’re cool about it. You can’t go kicking people into jet engines all willy-nilly, lest you look like a tool.

You have to be all, “Oh, before I let you extort something from me, Mr. Bad Guy, I just thought of something.”

Then they say, “What?”

And then you kick them into the engine.

Yeah. I totally know how to be cool.

3) Force uber-mechanic Kaylee to build you a sweet-ass ship.

She’s pretty easily intimidated… I bet you could pull it off. I know it’s callous, but, what… you would spend your hard-earned, futuristic space dollars?

2) Hire professional “Companion” Inara Serra for a sensual night of, um… conversation.

She goes both ways, people. That means expensive, certified-germ-free fun for everyone. Giddyup.

1) Give pilot Wash a hug goodbye.

[SPOILER, for you kanuckle-heads who haven’t seen Serenity, yet.]

Don’t look at me like that. He dies, people. Dies. Heroically. So, yeah, I’d hug him.

In a manly-type fashion.

8 comments… add one
  • Nathan D January 25, 2008, 12:57 am

    You want resolution from a story less than a single season in the making just because it gets a movie? How would there be interest in sequels and such?

  • Karen January 25, 2008, 7:06 am

    I loved that series. And the movie too. Maybe I will actually attempt to play a game. Other than solitaire or mahjong.

  • Christy January 25, 2008, 1:28 pm

    I do so miss this series.

  • Jimmy B. January 25, 2008, 6:16 pm

    I morned for ol’ Wash… he was my favorite. I also morned the show after the cancellation but I relived the magic when I bought the series on DVD… only to relive the sadness when I watched the last unaired episode. But joy would fill my heart once again when news of the movie and the movie itself came out… only to once again have my heart broken when my buddy Wash was speared through-n-through… Why Wash?!? Now it sounds like I will have a chance to delve into the Firefly universe once again. Cool!

    Oh, and yeah… I’d give Wash a manly-type hug goodbye. My eyes might even well-up a little.

  • Nima January 25, 2008, 11:28 pm

    I could never come to terms with the fact that Inara’s head is so disproportionately small for her body. Am I the only one that noticed that? Weird.

    So, hey, if your character dies in the Firefly MMORPG does he or she get moved over to the Buffy/Angel MMORPG as a villain? That would be canonical.

  • Nathan D January 26, 2008, 12:01 am

    I’ll show you something canonical, Nima. I got your canonical right here….

  • anim8or January 26, 2008, 9:12 am

    “climbing inside an operating clothes dryer to fight an angry raccoon” – ok, this is why I read this blog. Now I have to go clean the coffee and chewed up chunks of my breakfast bagel off my screen and keyboard.

    but before I do, I think you need to submit this idea to the “the New American Gladiators” (which for some reason has not been made it on your blog yet).

    a blog on “top 10 ideas for the new AG to pull in the geek market”.

  • Madrox December 12, 2009, 2:56 pm

    After Serenity it’s pretty obvious what was Book doing before preaching)

Leave a Comment