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Five Pieces of Advice for Buffy’s New Lesbian Lover

Last week, in issue #12 of the Buffy the Vampire Slayer comic book, Buffy Summers–longtime friend to the male groinal area–slept with a lesbian. And liked it.

Buffy #12 Lesbian Scene

In spite of the subsequent media hubbub, writer Joss Whedon introducing a lesbian-centric subplot is about as novel and surprising as running into Britney Spears at the prescription counter at 3am, with her reeking of booze and clutching a bag of Double Bacon & Cheese Chiabatta Burgers from Jack in the Box. That is to say… there’s plenty of precedent.

Turns out Buffy hasn’t gone completely lez-bomb on us, though… she’s just “experimenting.” Yeah. I totally have naked ladies agreeing to be subjects of my “research” all the time, so I get that.

And now, on with my (fully PG-13-rated) advice for Satsu, Buffy’s poontang1-enamored paramour.

5) Be wary when going, um… downtown. The Original Slayer’s thighs have crushed much harder and thornier heads than yours in the heat of the moment. Consider protective headgear. Like a football helmet.

4) Just remember what happened to the last Guest-Starring Sympathetic Gay Girlfriend Character. You might remember her as “Tara.” She got shot. Don’t let that be you.

3) For Buffy’s former flames, there’s a high correlation between making love with her and undergoing a drastic personality turn to pure evil (Angel) or goodness (Spike). I’m not saying she has a magical vagina or anything, but you might want to consider a spell of sexual protection if you value your mental health and stability. Plus, who knows what sorts of mystical STDs she caught from those dirty vampires…

2) Don’t get too broken up if Buffy bites the big one. (And that’s a euphemism for dying, not for going “straight.”) She’ll be back.

1) Remember to mix things up a bit. You can’t just do that ‘alphabet with your tongue’ thing over and over and expect the magic to happen, ok?

    1 Sorry for the “poontang” action. The lure of alliteration was too strong for me.

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    6 comments… add one
    • Nathan D March 12, 2008, 9:26 am

      Did you just APOLOGIZE for being crude?

    • Great White Snark March 12, 2008, 11:26 am

      No… for being crude and lazy. Crude is ok, as long as it’s creative.

    • Cindi March 12, 2008, 11:33 am

      As your resident sex author, I feel like I should have something clever to add, but I’m speechless.

    • Patrick D. March 12, 2008, 2:06 pm

      Friggin’ hilarious. Thank you.

      (Hey, who won that Justice League prize???)

    • Great White Snark March 12, 2008, 2:52 pm

      Hey, Patrick, thank you.

      Nickolai won the New Frontier DVD in the random drawing. I updated the original post that Monday, but didn’t notify you guys in a new post… sorry about that. Will handle it differently next time.

    • Mina March 13, 2008, 1:09 am

      As always, pure golden comedy… it actually spiked me to go get the comic! (I haven’t read the number 11 nor the 12 yet) What will Wheddon do next? -sarcasm-

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