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Five Suggestions for the Lex-Luthor-Free Eighth Season of Smallville

In recent seasons, Smallville has become a shallow, meandering, nonsensical, hollow-melodrama version of its former self. With a mild case of scurvy.

Clark Lex Lana Smallville
Clark Kent and his best girl. And Lana Lang.

And that’s before lead actors started abandoning ship. Now I really have no excuse for continuing to watch, other than my inexplicable and undying commitment to geek TV shows that are w-a-a-a-a-y past their primes.

First, Michael Rosenbaum (he who shall forevermore in his career be referred to as “best known for his role as Lex Luthor on television’s Smallville“) announced last year that he’d be departing the show at the end of the current, seventh season. Then, Kristen Kreuk–she whose beauty is only surpassed by her unnatural ability to suck the life and energy out of a scene… a.k.a, Clark Kent’s girlfriend Lana Lang–confirmed that she’d only return for a “small number” of episodes in season eight.

Wow. No Lana Lang? (P.S.: Yippee!) No Lex friggin’ Luthor? That leaves Clark with only a best friend (Chloe Sullivan), a one-dimensional super-powered cousin (Supergirl), and a closet full of plaid, red shirts. He used to have a dog, but I think the dog who played the dog also departed a couple of seasons back to “explore other opportunities.” Sinking ship, people. That’s all I’m saying.

So that’s two major plot drivers out the window. What does that leave for storytelling fodder for season eight? Here are some suggestions.

5) Now that Pete Ross is out of the picture for good, Clark needs a new Token Black Friend. A quest like that in Smallville, Kansas could easily occupy six or seven episodes.

4) Chloe Sullivan has been pining over Clark for years. He should throw her a bone, already! A super bone.

3) Give Clark a new look. Listen, I know there’s a Banana Republic or at least a Gap at the Smallville shopping mall, so don’t tell me he doesn’t have anywhere to shop. Those stores are more ubiquitous these days than people who hate Dane Cook.

2) Regarding the already-plentiful and fully-gratuitous shots of actress Erica Durance (Lois Lane) in a bikini: Oliver Twist called, and he asked me to say, “Please, sir. I want some… more.”

1) Clark finally manifests his final super-power: the ability to fly… right into the arms of Lex Luthor, whose absence has brought Clark’s desire to an undeniable, unmitigated boil.

E-mail and RSS subscribers, visit the post to view the video. Feel the heat.

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8 comments… add one
  • Paul March 28, 2008, 10:14 am

    This show should have lasted 4 seasons, then Clark should have left for Metropolis.

  • Great White Snark March 28, 2008, 1:54 pm

    Amen, brutha.

  • Mina March 28, 2008, 7:55 pm

    So, I am not the only one who feels the heat everytime Lex and Clark look at each other? -blushes- I long for the end of the series when Clark kicks Lana and jumps into Lexy’s arms hahahaha
    I stopped watching when Lex begin to show his love for Lana… ewww… and began watching again to see Spike crash the party. Ahem at around 1:30 of the video it’s pretty ahem

  • Great White Snark March 28, 2008, 8:07 pm

    Mina, as you might know, the ‘Clex’ phenomenon has been long-observed among hardcore fans of the show. How could you not feel that Super-gay heat?

  • Jenny March 29, 2008, 9:59 am

    Hee! Great post. And the Clark/Lex vid is brilliant – they are the real star-crossed lovers of Smallville!

  • Michael April 2, 2008, 4:23 pm

    Moments of greatness outnumbered by moments of sheer embarrassment. That is my description of the entire Smallville series. I think they should have killed the show a couple of years ago, but I nonetheless continue to watch hoping, just hoping that something amazing is going to happen, that they will whisk us all off of our feet with the most amazing Superman series ever on TV. But then I wake up and realize that this is the CW that we’re talking about, and not one of the other more serious networks.

    I admit, I am still a trusty fan, but please, somehow figure out a way to give us the most amazing series yet (highly unlikely). But for some reason, I will continue watching until that happens (even if it never does).

  • Great White Snark April 2, 2008, 8:14 pm

    Well put, Michael.

    Sadly, I really have no legitimate excuse to keep watching, since I’m mostly confident at this point that nothing “amazing” will happen. They’ll just keep on abusing the rules of logic and continuity until I’m driven to watch repeats of Birds of Prey.

  • BILL September 5, 2008, 9:55 pm

    I wish they’d put more of the Justice League into the show. Maybe more characters from the Justice League. Such as Wonder Woman…! Have Chloe Be the home base monitor as she was in that one episode. Which one was it? Oh Yes! “Justice”.

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