In recent seasons, Smallville has become a shallow, meandering, nonsensical, hollow-melodrama version of its former self. With a mild case of scurvy.
Clark Kent and his best girl. And Lana Lang.
And that’s before lead actors started abandoning ship. Now I really have no excuse for continuing to watch, other than my inexplicable and undying commitment to geek TV shows that are w-a-a-a-a-y past their primes.
First, Michael Rosenbaum (he who shall forevermore in his career be referred to as “best known for his role as Lex Luthor on television’s Smallville“) announced last year that he’d be departing the show at the end of the current, seventh season. Then, Kristen Kreuk–she whose beauty is only surpassed by her unnatural ability to suck the life and energy out of a scene… a.k.a, Clark Kent’s girlfriend Lana Lang–confirmed that she’d only return for a “small number” of episodes in season eight.
Wow. No Lana Lang? (P.S.: Yippee!) No Lex friggin’ Luthor? That leaves Clark with only a best friend (Chloe Sullivan), a one-dimensional super-powered cousin (Supergirl), and a closet full of plaid, red shirts. He used to have a dog, but I think the dog who played the dog also departed a couple of seasons back to “explore other opportunities.” Sinking ship, people. That’s all I’m saying.
So that’s two major plot drivers out the window. What does that leave for storytelling fodder for season eight? Here are some suggestions.
5) Now that Pete Ross is out of the picture for good, Clark needs a new Token Black Friend. A quest like that in Smallville, Kansas could easily occupy six or seven episodes.
4) Chloe Sullivan has been pining over Clark for years. He should throw her a bone, already! A super bone.
3) Give Clark a new look. Listen, I know there’s a Banana Republic or at least a Gap at the Smallville shopping mall, so don’t tell me he doesn’t have anywhere to shop. Those stores are more ubiquitous these days than people who hate Dane Cook.
2) Regarding the already-plentiful and fully-gratuitous shots of actress Erica Durance (Lois Lane) in a bikini: Oliver Twist called, and he asked me to say, “Please, sir. I want some… more.”
1) Clark finally manifests his final super-power: the ability to fly… right into the arms of Lex Luthor, whose absence has brought Clark’s desire to an undeniable, unmitigated boil.
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