Giant monsters, provoked and/or created by the missteps of Man, get pissed off and decide to bust up New York City. Aforementioned giant monsters bring along some smaller, pissed-off friends. The marvels of our modern military fail to quell the threats.
Point: Godzilla is a spectacle. Cloverfield is a ride.
It’s pretty easy to get numb to a spectacle rather quickly. I mean, if you’ve seen one paparazzi photograph of Britney Spears’s pantyless crotch, you’ve seen them all, right?
A proper cinematic ride, however–like any decent roller coaster–will whip you around, excite your senses, and more than likely leave you with a somewhat queasy sensation if you forget to take your Dramamine.
Point: There quite a few good directors in the world. And Roland Emmerich doesn’t know any of them.
Zing. I’m here all week, folks!
Point: Godzilla doesn’t put you in any physical discomfort. Unless you count falling asleep from boredom as physically discomforting.
On the other hand, Cloverfield will give you vomit-inducing motion sickness, given the chance.
Either way, both movies create moments during which you’ll wish you were anywhere else. Like getting a back massage from a sweaty, professional hot-dog-eating champion in a van down by the river.
Point: Cloverfield builds a sense of anticipation and dread amongst the audience by leaving the monster obscured until the end.
Godzilla, in spite of its clever marketing campaign, blows the money shot of the giant lizard early in the film. Any first-time porn director could have saved the production from that mistake.
Point: Matthew Broderick’s lameness is painfully distracting.
Rules of thumb: if you want to produce a guaranteed bomb, put together a romantic comedy starring Paris Hilton.
And if you really want to absolutely hose an action movie, cast Matthew “I’m not gay, I’m just a Broadway actor” Broderick in the lead.
Point: The hot, steamy military-on-monster action in Cloverfield rattles your teeth, dazzles your eyes, and has you gripping the sides of your chair.
Oh, yeah, and, um… Godzilla has some action scenes, too. I guess the special effects were good. Or whatever.
As if there were any doubt.
Did I miss any points?
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