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Top Five: Re-Casting the Actors in the Live-Action Dragonball Z Movie

The amount of stuff I know about Dragonball Z could barely fill the cup that Lindsay Lohan pees into at her court-mandated drug screenings.

  1. It’s an anime series popular among people who are not personally known by me.
  2. It’s the new Pokemon. That is, I don’t get it, but it seems really annoying.
  3. The majority of characters have huge, pointy, shocks of hair and unnaturally-expressive faces. (See #2.)
  4. In IGN’s words, the live-action movie adaptation currently in production has been “long-awaited.”

Then there’s the corollary to #4: IGN occasionally says stupid, stupid things.

Of course, the production team at 20th Century Fox has already cast the film. But they’ve foolishly hired actors who will need things like custom-made wigs and classes in obnoxious facial distortion to properly fill their roles.

That seems like a pointless exercise when there are plenty of actual human cartoons walking around who wouldn’t require all that extra money spent on make-up and lessons in avid douchebaggery.

5) That guy from Reaper

Tyler Labine

He’s frequently been described (sometimes unfavorably) as a young Jack Black. So you tell me: is he animated enough for the job?

(Stop blankly staring at me like that. It’s so hard for me not to judge you when you do that. The answer is “yes.”)

4) The dude from District B13

He’s got the hair, the ‘tude, and the martial artistry. Unfortunately, however, he’s also got a French passport, which means that–thanks to the dollar’s weakness against the Euro–it’d probably be cheaper to hire 500 Mexican wrestlers in Don King wigs for the part.

3) Yahoo Serious

Yahoo Serious

Give Young Einstein a job, already. Seriously. If he’s left to his own devices for too long, he does things like build one of the ugliest personal Web sites, ever.

2) Ace Ventura

Ace Ventura

Did someone order a dish of facial contortion with a side of ridiculous hair?

Just think of the delightful, hammy times we’ll have when someone punches Ace in the dragonballz. Physical humor at its finest, people!

I mean, not just anyone can bend over and talk out of their ass.1

1) Vanilla Ice

Vanilla Ice

Ice will stop what he’s doing and collaborate (and listen!) on your production under one condition: You must refer to him as “metal hip hop artist, Vanilla Ice” and not as “former early-90s rap sensation” or “frequent reality-TV-show participant” or “failed actor who debuted as himself in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II” or “the guy who got his ass beat in Celebrity Boxing by Todd Bridges.”

1 Unless, of course, your name is Uwe Boll.

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5 comments… add one
  • Jessica Rae April 10, 2008, 5:24 am

    This post is great :)

  • Mina April 10, 2008, 7:22 pm

    Well, you actually have A person who knows about this… me! Dragon Ball is a classic drawn by Akira Toriyama that inspired a lot of people to become manga/comic artists and it is even older than Pokemon.
    I have seen Hollywood doing remakes and Japanese Action movies which left me a bad after taste. (Read:Tastes like crap)I feel even worse for the real fans of this series, for they have already butchered the characters, by casting… people who are nothing like the characters.
    On a lighter note, we will be able to see Spike in this movie. Wheee! Yes, the only reason I will see this movie is to laugh … and then cry myself to sleep wishing I hadn’t seen it.
    Magnificent post by the way, and sorry for the long rant!

  • Great White Snark April 11, 2008, 1:54 am

    @Mina: Thanks for the edumacation, yo!

    Yeah, ol’ Spike will do just about any role these days. Which explains his recurring appearances on Smallville. At least he tends to stick to ‘genre’ projects…

  • Cindi April 11, 2008, 4:06 pm

    Hmmm. Vanilla Ice is featured on this blog, and the very next day, gets arrested:

    http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,350169,00.html

    Coincidence?

  • Mina April 11, 2008, 7:57 pm

    @ cindi hmmm suspitious… not that I care what happens to Vanilla Ice

    @ Great White Shark No problem, I even forgot to tell that Toriyama also made design for RPG games, for Snes:Chrono Trigger, Dragon Quest; and a new one called Blue Dragon (on PS3, I think)
    Yeah, I saw James Marsters even pop up in Without a Trace and then found him in my fav British series, Torchwood(well, in reality second favorite after Doctor Who)playing a pseudo villain, which I found to be very Spike-y! LOL

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