≡ Menu

Armageddon vs Deep Impact – Battle of the Redundant Geek Movies

There’s only one way to describe the situation when two movies released in the same year (1998) feature a “Texas-sized” space rock threatening to create a doomsday event upon collision with the Earth:

Pure, unadulterated coincidence.

Armageddon PosterDeep Impact Poster

Point: Michael Bay could suck the emotional resonance out of a live, actual childbirth.

Never would I have suspected that the impending whithering and demise of mankind could mean so very, very little. I’ve had hangnails give me more cause for concern.

ADVANTAGE: Deep Impact

Point: The soundtrack to the end of the world would never be performed by Aerosmith.

Guns ‘n Roses… maybe. But not the guys who brought us “Love in an Elevator” and “Walk This Way.”

ADVANTAGE: Deep Impact

Point: Tea Leoni gets eaten by a tidal wave in Deep Impact. Everyone knows that the token hot chick always gets to live.

…no matter how much I might wish death upon all of the characters in Armageddon–including Liv Tyler’s–for abusing my senses with their one-dimensional, Cheez Whiz-laden triteness.

ADVANTAGE: Armageddon

Point: Morgan Freeman was born to play the President in Deep Impact.

Stanley Anderson, on the other hand, with credits including Robocop 3 and ten episodes on The Drew Carey Show, was entirely miscast as the President in Armageddon, when he clearly should have been playing the role of Space Shuttle Technician #2.

ADVANTAGE: Deep Impact

Point: In Armageddon, Bruce Willis sacrifices himself so that Ben Affleck can return safely to the passionate embrace of Liv Tyler, back on Earth.

You can find that in the dictionary under “Gross Miscarriages of Justice.” It’s the second example right after “ex-stripper and current trash-bomb Tila Tequila has her own television series on MTV.”

ADVANTAGE: Deep Impact

WINNER: Deep Impact

If you had any doubt, then your name is probably Michael Bay’s Mom.

Did I miss any points?

Enjoy this post? Subscribe to Great White Snark by or by RSS.

15 comments… add one
  • Nathan D April 21, 2008, 1:31 am

    I had tried oh-so-hard to erase both from my mind.

  • doubledumbassonyou April 21, 2008, 8:24 am

    Armageddon is awesome, because well His Bayness is awesome. But as a pure science-geek .. the love has to go to Deep Impact which had a much more plausible explanation and execution of the efforts to thwart the pending apocalypse.

  • nickolai April 21, 2008, 10:11 am

    I despise both movies. Armageddon for being out-and-out terrible, and Deep Impact for being mediocre in every possible way.

  • Nima April 21, 2008, 11:42 am

    I think you’re technically correct on all points, but I still think Armageddon is a better movie. I could watch Armageddon again, if for no other reason than it’s fun to laugh at, but I will never watch Deep Impact again (unless it’s a precondition to sex with Téa Leoni).

    Also, doesn’t Deep Impact lose points for having Elijah Wood in a non-hobbit role? Weak.

  • Great White Snark April 21, 2008, 11:52 am

    @Nima You’re right, Elijah Wood in a non-Hobbit role should have been automatic cause for point-deduction.

  • Nathan D April 21, 2008, 12:06 pm

    Does that include Sin City?

  • Great White Snark April 21, 2008, 12:08 pm

    @Nathan Another good point. Part of his problem in most movies is that he’s an odd little bastard. Which kind of worked for his role in Sin City. Although I still didn’t love him for the role.

  • nickolai April 21, 2008, 5:19 pm

    Frodo was perfect for his role in Eternal Sunshine too, which makes sense because the role was playing an odd little bastard.

    And let’s not forget his big break, as the Gunsmoke-playing kid in Back to the Future 2.

  • Mina April 21, 2008, 8:19 pm

    @ Nickolai Wow, that’s some movie knowledge… I also knew about that and ended I up watchin Back to the Future 2 again to see if it was really him.
    I didn’t even like Elijah as Frodo! He wasn’t frodo-y enough for me, his creepy eyes kept distracting me throughout the movie!
    The only points of Armageddon that I remember were the lame catchy Aerosmith song (with the videoclip to match) and Liv Tyler… the only reason for me to see it again and again hehehe
    And what’s wrong with Deep Impact?!
    Cinema 101 : you do NOT kill your main character! I guess someone say “Hey let’s kill the audience surrogate!” and that was it! LOL

  • Mina April 21, 2008, 8:24 pm

    Oh, I forgot to mention the before the rocket launches scene from Armageddon… All that singing was really pointless and made me lose whatever faith I had in a decent ending!

  • Alex April 25, 2008, 5:30 pm

    I watched Armageddon after watching Deep Impact, and I couldn’t believe that they actually thought oil workers were the best choice to save the Earth (as opposed to highly trained astronauts).

    I agree with your choice. Deep Impact was more realistic in my opinion. Less “rock-n-roll” and more story driven.

    -Alex

  • Great White Snark April 25, 2008, 11:58 pm

    Alex, it’s clear you’r a person of great intellectual prowess. I salute you for so wisely agreeing with me.

  • Esbat April 29, 2008, 1:30 am

    damn you tila tequila… Just imagine there are children in third world countries with less on screen time than that trollop.

  • Alex May 1, 2008, 2:36 pm

    Thank you for appreciating my superb intellect for agreeing with your superb intellect.

  • Josh January 5, 2010, 5:31 pm

    “I watched Armageddon after watching Deep Impact, and I couldn’t believe that they actually thought oil workers were the best choice to save the Earth (as opposed to highly trained astronauts).
    I agree with your choice. Deep Impact was more realistic in my opinion. Less “rock-n-roll” and more story driven.
    -Alex”

    Are you serious? I don’t think that astronauts go through courses that teach them how to drill, they don’t know shit about it.

    So these guys were the best pick, they were born to drill!

    Armageddon rules and Deep Impact sucked! (compared to Armageddon)

    -Josh

Leave a Comment