Most advice is like Paris Hilton. No one wants to hear it unless it means getting one step closer to getting laid.
Fortunately for you, my advice is like Exxon-Mobil: unabashedly and unnaturally rich. (And often at the expense of helpless consumers.)
Example: In the midst of a plague of the undead, don’t start swinging the nearest-available hefty garden tool all willy-nilly, lest you diminish your ability to differentiate friend from foe.
After all, zombies and drug-addled celebrities do share many of the same identifying characteristics:
- Unhealthy, unkempt hair.
- Pale, sallow skin.
- Eyes that are sunken and dull (Romero-esque) or inflamed and insane (Boyle-esque).
- Guttural, incoherent groaning and mumbling.
- A shuffling gait.
- A demonstrated need of brains.
- An odor of death.
With the following guide, I hope to spare you the inconvenience and embarrassment of accidentally caving in the head of a tabloid darling with a shovel during the next attack of the walking dead.1
5) PETE DOHERTY
Did I say celebrity? I meant celebritard.
What exactly does Kate Moss see in this guy? Is it the charming way in which he slurs his words as he’s carted off to his latest stint in rehab? Or perhaps it’s those oh-so-sexy withdrawal symptoms. I mean, if sweat, vomit, and shivering does it for her, then Kate deserves every “Oh, Jesus, Doherty pooped himself again,” moment.
4) AMY WINEHOUSE
Source: The Superficial
I know she already topped the previous Celebrities Likely to Be Mistaken for Zombies list. But she deserves to be mentioned again. Just… look at her. But not for too long… a skankbot infection starts in the eyes. (Bet’cha didn’t know that.)
I also listed her again to bring your attention to her husband, Blake Fielder-Civil, another doppelganger of the undead.
I’m pretty confident that the next zombie outbreak will happen when these two freaks start procreating.
3) KEITH RICHARDS
I mean, you guys know that Keith Richards legally died in 1994, right? But his corpse is contractually obligated to keep playing Stones concerts until 2012.
2) IGGY POP
Ah, the miracles of intravenous drug use. Eliminate body fat and scare the shit out of small children everywhere.
1) COURTNEY LOVE
To confuse matters further, I wouldn’t put it past her to take a zombie-like chomp on someone’s skull as a boozed-up publicity stunt. Or as a cry for help. Or as whatever it is that explains this unhygienic stain of a frequently-indecently-exposed trainwreck.
Now that you’re done here, check out the first Celebrities Likely to Be Mistaken for Zombies list.