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The Top Five Geek Icons Who Deserve Action Figures In Their Likenesses

In just two weeks, Herobuilders.com can create a personalized 12-inch action figure in your likeness… for only $425. Or, if you think of it in another way… for the cost of an original, G1 Optimus Prime, still in its package. In other words, perfectly reasonable. Especially when you consider the finished product, which I think is best described as, “Um, wow, seriously? That’s what I get for my money?”

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A service like this exists for exactly one type of situation: When your ego demands a statue of your likeness in every city park, but your wallet only allows a 1/6th-scale plastic figurine with a disproportionately-shaped head.

Let’s face it… there’s no good reason for you to have an action figure version of yourself. Believe me, your kid would much rather have a Red Power Ranger, or whatever bullshit toy from Japan is as hot right now as Power Rangers were ten years ago. (Pokemon? Shake-me-like-a-baby Elmo? I don’t know. Sue me.)

No, Average Schmo, you don’t merit an action figure, but there are plenty of geeks–more famous than you, but not necessarily better-looking–who would have their molded-plastic, fully-articulated likenesses snatched off the shelves by adoring fanboys.

5) Wil Wheaton

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The draw here is not in owning a scale model of a former television actor / current bitchy geek-writer. No, thousands of fanboys, including Yours Truly, would love to stage a battle of Star Trek TNG‘s doe-eyed Wesley Crusher vs. legions of Imperial Stormtroopers.

Guess whose small, plastic head would end up on a pike on the front of a toy Tie Fighter?

4) Stephen Hawking

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I know. This toy wouldn’t exactly put the action in action figure. But every science geek would want to display a Stephen Hawking figure in his lab or cubicle as a show of nerd-cred. And every toy collector would want one for its distinctive accessories; namely, the computerized wheelchair, the funny glasses, and the little, rolled-up map of the galaxy. (C’mon, toy collectors, tell me I’m wrong. You know you want a funky, little plastic wheelchair.)

3) John C. Dvorak

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There’s one key to making this cranky tech-pundit’s action figure a best-seller: It needs to be a “talker.” That is, you need to be able to pull a string and have the mini-Dvorak offer the same half-baked, off-the-cuff conjecture and opinions that make its real-life doppelganger such an entertaining blowhard:

Apple should pull the plug on the iPhone

Thus a cloud is rising over OS X and its future unless Apple makes its boldest move ever: turning OS X into an open-source project.

Apple would ditch its own OS for Microsoft Windows

Eric [Schmidt, Google CEO] needs to take his billion dollars and buy a place in Tuscany and spend about six months there telecommuting. Then perhaps he might, maybe, heal. Meanwhile, he’s losing it.

2) Leo Laporte

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The appeal for this geeky broadcaster’s figure is purely in its novelty. When was the last time you had a portly action figure? That Gamorean Guard you had when you were eight years old?

1) Steve Jobs and Bill Gates

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…with G.I. Joe-style kung fu grip. Equip them with an assortment of scaled replica weapons from Marauder Gun Runners, and you’ve got a true Battle of the Tech Giants. On your coffee table. Whee! Take that, four-eyed purveyor of shoddy operating systems!

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5 comments… add one
  • Nathan D May 9, 2008, 11:01 am

    Double-Dipping, eh?

  • Cindi May 9, 2008, 11:02 am

    What about a Steve Wozniak plush doll? That would be cuddly.

  • Mina May 13, 2008, 2:00 pm

    I actually had a crush on Weasley Crusher, so I would want that one! and the Wheelie too! LOL

  • Chris May 13, 2008, 4:59 pm

    I would DEFINITELY buy a Steven Hawking figurine.

  • 'Nara May 22, 2010, 11:45 am

    I know this is an old post, but . . .you know there’s a Stephen Hawking acton figure in the ‘Simpson’s’ line, right? Personally, I want him so I can hook him up with my Wheelchair Becky, the most shamelessly wrong Barbie ever.

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