A few weeks ago, Midway announced the upcoming Mortal Kombat vs. DC Universe game, bringing together the worlds of video games and comic books for the first time since… well, last Friday or so.
Gory and over-the-top finishing moves have long been the hallmark of the Mortal Kombat series. Check out the video if you need convincing. (Or if you’ve just got some violence fetish you need to sate, you sicko.)
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But Co-creator Ed Boon has been quick to put the kibosh on fanboy fantasies of Superman popping Sub-Zero’s head like a bloody canteloupe:
We […] acknowledge that we won’t be able to do the same kinds of outrageous moves, like tearing someone’s head off and the spine being attached to it. […] The names of these moves, and the level of violence we use, are to be determined.
Wait, what? I can’t finish off my opponent by yanking his dripping spinal column right out of his still-warm body? That’s… practically un-American. You’re talking about a world where Vladimir Putin is the commissioner of baseball and Paris Hilton’s vagina doesn’t have its own press agent. The Twilight Zone.
The finishing moves in this PG-rated world might look a little something like this.
5) Indian Rope Burn (Wonder Woman)
I’m not suggesting anything about her sexual predilections, but Wonder Woman sure does enjoy tying that magic lasso extra-tight around her opponents and then yanking it off fast enough to draw smoke.
I’d never play any bondage games with her in the bedroom, that’s all I’m saying.
(Mostly because she’s an made-up character. But still.)
4) Water Boarding (Aquaman)
Aquaman doesn’t know if you’ve heard, but water boarding doesn’t leave a mark, so it totally doesn’t count as torture.
I wouldn’t argue with him. He’s notorious for giving swirlies, and I wouldn’t want to be lowered face-first into a toilet by someone who has command over the powers of water, would you?
3) Super-Wedgie (Superman)
So, if all the injuries are internal, that doesn’t really count as “outrageous,” does it? Because Supes is all about making bunched-up underwear go where no bunched-up underwear has gone before.
2) Dutch Oven (Batman)
Baddies know that Batman has plenty of weapons at his disposal in his utility belt. That’s why they never see this attack coming.
Given the chance, he’ll wrap his cape around his foes and rip a vicious Bat-fart that will have the most hardened combatants cringing at his mercy.
Now the can of Bat-beans in Batmobile’s glove compartment makes sense, eh?
1) Titty Twister (Green Lantern)
When Hal Jordan’s power ring creates the form of two giant clamps, Mortal Kombat opponents best cover their nipples and run.
Unbeknownst to many, particularly devastating purple nurples can cause temporary blindness, passing paralysis, and fleeting gayness.