When I’m looking over the new releases on the Hasbro Toys Web site, I feel the same gleeful enthusiasm that Dick Cheney has when he’s flipping through the latest copy of AARP magazine, looking for old men to shoot in the face.

So imagine my dismay when I came upon these truly pathetic excuses for Transformers.

5) Power Up VT6

Aside from Photoshopped “spy” photos of the next version of the iPhone, handheld gaming systems are perhaps the most-scrutinized objects in the universe of consumer electronics.

“Hey, sweet, what sort of system is that, man? Does it have touchscreen, and SD card slot, and multi-player over Wifi?”

“Uh, no… it’s got, um, these brightly-colored buttons, and, uh… oh, screw it! Power Up VT6 transform and vaporize this moderately-observant fleshbag!”

At least Hasbro didn’t waste a halfway-decent name on this clunker. Fact: “VT6″ is actually the name of a conveyor belt at one of their Chinese factories.

4) Digital Dagger

The size of the screen on this phone screams “1998,” in a world where a phone model from 2006 prompts disdain and ridicule. Way to avoid attention. Disguise = fail.

By the by, Hasbro, a dagger popping out of a cell phone does not a Transformer make. If that were the case, you’d see Michael Bay featuring my flask disguised as a pair of binoculars in his next movie.

3) Meantime

This could only be mistaken for a wristwatch on a planet where a Honda Civic is mistaken for a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed^TM.

2) Spy Shot 6

Hey, it’s got more seams than a jigsaw puzzle, but sure, I’m convinced it’s a digital camera! You know… so long as I squint real hard. And run headlong into a door frame a couple of times, first.

If this is Spy Shot version 6, I’d hate to see versions 1-5. Did they involve a robot curling into a ball, holding up a lens, and declaring, “I’m a camera! I’m a camera!” ?

1) Night Beat

At first I thought this was an awful, awful likeness of an MP3 player, thanks to that glaring split running down the center of the screen. And then I realized that I’ve seen iPod knockoffs from half-assed Chinese counterfeiters with worse design flaws.

So this might actually be the best disguise among the bunch. As long as you encounter it in a Dollar Store, and not a Best Buy.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by email or by RSS. It’s free.