Terminator Salvation (i.e., the artist formerly known as Terminator 4) ain’t even hitting theaters until Memorial Day of 2009, but that hasn’t put the bug spray to the buzz of news and rumors about the flick in recent weeks.
I figure it’s time to dust off my advice for Mr. Dark Knight Returns in his role as John Connor, the savior of mankind from really mean robots in the war against Skynet.
- Try to avoid any time travel that would have you crossing paths with the mop-haired, eleven-year-old 1995 version of yourself. You would be disappointed. And annoyed. (P.S. He is a douche.)
- Consume the food supplies in that secret underground military installation sparingly. I’ve had a little preview of your future, and let’s just say farming will be about as productive as luxury-yacht-building.
- If you see someone who’s really clean, and has very neatly-kept hair, and wears a lot of leather… it’s a Terminator. Shoot them. A lot.
- Based on what I’ve read in the old Terminator comic books from Dark Horse Comics, you should stock up on Dustbusters. Apparently you can somehow convert those into plasma rifles.
- Good news! Your wife is Claire Danes Bryce Dallas Howard. Have lots of sex with her while you can, because she dies in the war. Sorry.
- Have faith in yourself. You have qualities that make you a natural leader of men: confidence, charisma, a strong jaw, and hair that maintains a healthy luster in spite of the future’s lack of shampoo and conditioner.
- There are two things that are likely to survive the nuclear holocaust: cockroaches and television’s ER. Avoid them both.
- Sorry to break it to you, but when we live in world where director/producer McG has taken over a beloved sci-fi franchise from James Cameron… the robots have already won.
- Guess what? David Silver from Beverly Hills 90210 is your future-uncle. Why? Because your life’s a bitch, and it keeps getting worse, John Connor.
- Soylent Green is people.
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