Few iconic 1980s genre movies have escaped Hollywood’s continuing “CGI makes everything better!”-inspired efforts to remake all pop culture entities from that era into newer, shinier, and explosion-ier versions.
These creatively-challenged plans have claimed as their latest casualty Red Dawn, a 1984 flick about a small group of Colorado high schoolers who wage guerrilla warfare against Cuban and Soviet military invaders of the U.S. during a hypothetical World War III.
These teenage insurgents name themselves “The Wolverines” after their school’s mascot. Which sort of makes you glad for them that they didn’t attend Colorado’s Brush High School, home of the Beetdiggers. ‘Cause that wouldn’t have worked on a metaphorical, inspirational, or really any sort of level, now would it? It’s hard to imagine “The Beetdiggers” menacing much of anything, except maybe garden vegetables at harvest time.
The modern retelling of Red Dawn, which will be “…very much keeping in mind the post-9/11 world that we’re in,” according to screenwriter Carl Ellsworth, presents a particular set of challenges for the Wolverines. And I don’t just mean having to fit all of their toiletries into quart-size Ziplock bags at the airport. (Zing!)
5) No need to starve them out when you can just cut off their ‘Net access.
Today’s youth are about as resourceful as the internet will allow them to be. Without access to a Google search on “guerilla warfare,” any teenage-led rebellion has about as much chance as your next airline flight arriving on time.
4) Military technology has come a long way.
Yeah, so remember when The Wolverines of the 1980s eluded the Communists for so long by retreating into the hills of the Rockies, hiding beneath trees and stuff?
Thanks to airborne, infrared, heat-sensing scanners and smart bombs, the Pinko Commies of today will have every errant warm body locked down and toasted with “fire-and-forget” missiles before you can say “fricaseed land-dwelling weasel.”
And the Russians will watch the whole two-minute episode on CNN.
3) The MySpace effect.
Ok, forget fancy military tech. All Ivan’s going to have to do to track down those pesky armed teens is log onto their MySpace pages, where some kid will have posted cell phone pictures of their latest hideout, right alongside shots of his drunken friends in compromising positions.
And then that kid’s going to be all, “OMG, I totally thot only my friends culd see those pics! :-(”
At least you know the MySpace profiles of the unfortunate souls subsequently captured or killed by the Russians will get plastered with plenty digital wreaths and condolence comments.
2) Lack of proper defense, i.e., Jennifer Grey’s pre-surgery nose.
The Wolverines of the 1980s had a unique tactical advantage that has since been obviated by plastic surgery: Jennifer Grey’s schnoz.
Its extreme features could distort enemy radar signals, camouflage her compatriots against the craggy backdrop of the Colorado Rockies, and even act as a deterrent against enemy forces lacking the intestinal fortitude to face off against such a genetic mutation.
Please. Leave Baby in the corner. Somebody could get hurt with that thing.
1) Two words: Patrick Swayze.
Dalton is polite until it’s time to not be polite, Communist Invaders. And then Dalton puts a boot up your ass.
And then Dalton probably goes home and washes his luxurious hair. Don’t know. But the young actors of today have no answer to the Patrick Swayze of the 1980s, and that is why the Wolverines are pretty much hosed. I’m sure you see the logic there as plainly as I do.
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