≡ Menu

The Top Five Reasons the Wolverines Will Not Last Five Minutes in the Red Dawn Remake

Few iconic 1980s genre movies have escaped Hollywood’s continuing “CGI makes everything better!”-inspired efforts to remake all pop culture entities from that era into newer, shinier, and explosion-ier versions.

These creatively-challenged plans have claimed as their latest casualty Red Dawn, a 1984 flick about a small group of Colorado high schoolers who wage guerrilla warfare against Cuban and Soviet military invaders of the U.S. during a hypothetical World War III.

Red Dawn

These teenage insurgents name themselves “The Wolverines” after their school’s mascot. Which sort of makes you glad for them that they didn’t attend Colorado’s Brush High School, home of the Beetdiggers. ‘Cause that wouldn’t have worked on a metaphorical, inspirational, or really any sort of level, now would it? It’s hard to imagine “The Beetdiggers” menacing much of anything, except maybe garden vegetables at harvest time.

The modern retelling of Red Dawn, which will be “…very much keeping in mind the post-9/11 world that we’re in,” according to screenwriter Carl Ellsworth, presents a particular set of challenges for the Wolverines. And I don’t just mean having to fit all of their toiletries into quart-size Ziplock bags at the airport. (Zing!)

5) No need to starve them out when you can just cut off their ‘Net access.

Today’s youth are about as resourceful as the internet will allow them to be. Without access to a Google search on “guerilla warfare,” any teenage-led rebellion has about as much chance as your next airline flight arriving on time.

4) Military technology has come a long way.

Yeah, so remember when The Wolverines of the 1980s eluded the Communists for so long by retreating into the hills of the Rockies, hiding beneath trees and stuff?

Thanks to airborne, infrared, heat-sensing scanners and smart bombs, the Pinko Commies of today will have every errant warm body locked down and toasted with “fire-and-forget” missiles before you can say “fricaseed land-dwelling weasel.”

And the Russians will watch the whole two-minute episode on CNN.

3) The MySpace effect.

Ok, forget fancy military tech. All Ivan’s going to have to do to track down those pesky armed teens is log onto their MySpace pages, where some kid will have posted cell phone pictures of their latest hideout, right alongside shots of his drunken friends in compromising positions.

And then that kid’s going to be all, “OMG, I totally thot only my friends culd see those pics! :-(”

At least you know the MySpace profiles of the unfortunate souls subsequently captured or killed by the Russians will get plastered with plenty digital wreaths and condolence comments.

2) Lack of proper defense, i.e., Jennifer Grey’s pre-surgery nose.

The Wolverines of the 1980s had a unique tactical advantage that has since been obviated by plastic surgery: Jennifer Grey’s schnoz.

Its extreme features could distort enemy radar signals, camouflage her compatriots against the craggy backdrop of the Colorado Rockies, and even act as a deterrent against enemy forces lacking the intestinal fortitude to face off against such a genetic mutation.

Please. Leave Baby in the corner. Somebody could get hurt with that thing.

1) Two words: Patrick Swayze.

Dalton is polite until it’s time to not be polite, Communist Invaders. And then Dalton puts a boot up your ass.

And then Dalton probably goes home and washes his luxurious hair. Don’t know. But the young actors of today have no answer to the Patrick Swayze of the 1980s, and that is why the Wolverines are pretty much hosed. I’m sure you see the logic there as plainly as I do.

Do yourself a solid and check out the original Red Dawn – Collector’s Edition.

If you enjoyed this post, consider subscribing to Great White Snark by or by RSS. It’s free.

7 comments… add one
  • Alex (FirstShowing.net) July 14, 2008, 2:49 am

    Wolverines!!! I have so many fond memories of Red Dawn! And this is one of the greatest lists I’ve ever seen – rock on Mike!

    You’re right about Patrick mother-fuckin’ Swayze! Him and Charlie Sheen made the original movie! Without them the Wolverines are nuthin’! Maybe they can hire a Swayze look-alike? Either way, I’m NOT looking forward to this remake. Instead, I think I’m going to go revel in the wonders of Red Dawn all night… Wolverines!

  • nickolai July 14, 2008, 2:06 pm

    This remake will just emphasize how much cooler Communists are as movie baddies than terrorists ever could be.

    I would add Leah Thompson to the list — she might have been a bigger asset to the original movie than Jennifer Grey’s nose.

  • Great White Snark July 14, 2008, 2:12 pm

    Yeah, Nickolai, I considered making a shout-out to ol’ Mouse Face, but Jennifer Grey’s honker won out in the end.

  • Paul July 14, 2008, 2:47 pm

    I think the tech angle changes if they make them terrorists or something in the new film. Hell, do the Russians even have enough money for tech like that in their military now?

  • Great White Snark July 14, 2008, 6:27 pm

    Yes, Paul, thanks to f**kloads of oil money from companies taken over by the government.

    It’s quite a racket, if you can swing it.

  • doubledumbassonyou July 14, 2008, 6:53 pm

    My favorite scene was when Rick Vaughn threw the dishes at Marty McFly’s mom and said that she needed to be useful and then Baby said no one puts me in a corner … I think I got confused.

    I used to watch Red Dawn on VHS all the time in college and I thought it was awesome. It was until recently that I caught it on Encore and realized it was an abortion of a movie and should be removed from our collective conscious.

  • Steph July 21, 2008, 2:40 pm

    I’m not sure that you would have to do something as drastic as cutting off the net access. Today’s youth might be waylaid by a well-placed bulletin on the would-be rebels facebook page – thus rendering them bereft and incapable of waging in rebel-type activities.

    …and at the end of the day the Ruskies will maintain their access to E-Bay.

Leave a Comment